Q. I'm 46 and my wife of 13 years is 39. When we first met, the sex was great, and she was fun to be around. I make six figures and can easily support us, but my wife wants to work full-time. We have two sons, 8 and 11. We have a maid, gardener, and my mom to baby-sit when we need her. My wife is always stressed and tired, and sex is horrible, rushed and infrequent. She's never in the mood and she's always stressed. She has been seeing a therapist, but nothing’s changed. I go outside the marriage for (safe) sex on a regular basis. I don't want to destroy my kids’ lives and cause problems, but I need sex. My wife appears to know, although I deny it. When we do have sex, it's great. But my needs aren’t being met due to its infrequency. I have gotten on her about following up with her stress problem and low sex drive. She was on medication recently, but went off it.
I love my wife very, very much and am still very sexually attracted to her. I generally touch her so much she gets sick of it, and she is not interested in being affectionate. Am I doing the right thing by doing things this way?
—Starving for Sex
You say, “Sex is horrible, rushed and infrequent,” and you also say, “When we do have sex, it's great.” Make up your mind, man! You blame your wife’s disinterest in sex on a job YOU don’t think she needs since YOU’RE such a superb wage earner. And when you don’t get your way, you grab her “so much she gets sick of it.” Then you’re on her case about her stress and low sex drive?
You ask whether you’re using the right approach. Duh! You’ll never get affection by bullying and cheating.
Research says working women are stressed because of guilt they feel from leaving their families. Do you suffer guilt when you’re tucked in elsewhere? Try supporting your wife’s efforts! Sir, when you reinforce her dreams, maybe then she’ll reinforce yours!
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About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.