When a Single pursues a mate who belongs to someone else, it’s a clear sign that she herself fears intimacy. Somewhere in her unconscious, she believes that she doesn’t deserve a mate of her own, and she probably suffers from a case of low self-esteem.
In her thinking, whether conscious or unconscious, she would feel better about herself as the winner of a mate’s affections in a tough competition. This is a triad that replays the childhood game of mommy, daddy, and baby-makes-three, where baby continues to compete for the attention of one parent over another. That’s the motive usually behind a Single who competes against a would-be mate’s spouse.
Usually, the outsider must play to her unavailable mate’s schedule, which makes her own life insignificant. But even if she eventually wins the love of her otherwise attached crush, Trust is the immeasurable ability to count on your partner as much as you can count on yourself. The partner you may have stolen away from his spouse now has a history of cheating. Since he’s already done so before, he’s destined to repeat his disloyalty. But even if a Single would rather believe he won’t, how can she ever be sure?
Singles who continue to pursue unavailable partners must discover the reason they avoid a lover who is emotionally and physically within reach. It usually centers on what she believes she deserves. A person’s Deserve Level sets the stage for which she achieves everything or nothing in her life. If a woman doesn’t feel she deserves to have a happy and monogamous relationship, this Deserve Level will dictate her future. When she raises her Deserve Level, that level is what magically appears.
Rather than blame your mate for not leaving his current partner to whom he’s attached, question why you even want to put up with the drama of being with someone who is not available. The hardest part of this questioning is to level with yourself. Do you truly believe you deserve the full enchilada? Or do you think you’re really just entitled to a few measly crumbs? When you realize your motives, you’ll attract a partner who can return your love.
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About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 15 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist ” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show pilot.