When this midlife couple met, they briefly discussed marriage. After dating awhile, she’s ready, but her beau is happy with the way things are. Is it time to move on?
Dear Dr. Gilda,
I am a divorced female in my late 50s. I’ve been dating someone for two years. When we met, he asked if I wanted to remarry, and I said that I did, eventually. I told him then that I did not want to date for years, seeing that I’m not getting any younger. He said that if I had said no to marriage, he wouldn’t have continued to see me. We talked
briefly about marriage, but he has not popped the question. He keeps saying that we get along so well that he doesn’t want it to change. I have grandchildren, and I want to leave a good impression with them. We do not live together. I’m attractive and I feel I could find someone else, but maybe not the good person he is. I’m not the type to play games, and I really don’t want to lose him, but something tells me maybe we should move on. I don’t want to be the one to bring up the marriage thing; I want him to be the one to ask! I guess I’m asking for suggestions as to how I could handle the situation.
—In a Dilemma
Dear Dilemma,
You say, “I’m not the type to play games.” So what do you call it when you want something, yet you’re unwilling to ask for it? A game by any other name is STILL a game. Let me get this straight: For the two years you’ve been with Good Person, you’ve put your own desires on the back burner, you’ve played Shrinking Violet, and you’ve HOPED that Mr. Good Person would spring the idea to change this comfy setting into something unknown. Hmm…
What prompts any human being to want to alter what s/he knows for sure? Well, perhaps honesty with someone s/he loves. Yet you say, “I don’t want to be the one to bring up the marriage thing; I want him to be the one to ask!” That’s another game, girlfriend! Get with the program; this is not the 1950s, and you’re not June Cleaver!
I have invested my life’s work in training people to:
1) identify their deep desires, and
2) have the guts to communicate them.
These are difficult skills, but in order to make any relationship work, you must have them!!
If you don’t tell Mr. Good Person that marriage is important to you, do you think he’ll uncover your feelings through osmosis? What are you waiting for? As my Gilda-Gram says, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always go where you’ve always gone.” And for you, honey, I’m afraid that means nowhere!
You claim you don’t want to lose him. He claims he doesn’t want to change what’s already working well. This may be painful to hear, but it seems like each of you has become cozy in your semi-single status.
To determine your next steps, I suggest you follow this sequence:
1. After these two loving years, decide whether becoming a married woman truly appeals to you after all. Discover what prompted you to conclude that enough is now enough. Then decide whether this was a fleeting thought or an ongoing desire.
2. Pick up a book on assertiveness. Practice enunciating your needs with everyone you meet. The test is whether they hear what you say.
3. With Mr. Good Person, begin to voice your wants for things having nothing to do with marriage. Acknowledge how it feels to communicate honestly.
When you become sure of what you want and you’re not reluctant to share it, you will request it with ease. There is a possibility that Mr. Good Person may actually want what you want! But you’ll never know until you speak your mind.
XXX
DR. GILDA CARLE is an internationally-known relationship expert, author, professor, and Match.com columnist of ASK DR. GILDA, published on MSN.com and Happen Magazine. Her best-selling book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!" has become a classic. Her latest E-Books are "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity" and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Visit her at www.DrGilda.com
Friday, November 6, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Blanketed by Sunday LOVE
Sunday was a wonderful day. I spent the morning becoming a Godmother—without the magic wand. My adorable 3-year-old Goddaughter slept through the service, even as the female, married Episcopalian priest also incorporated songs. Believe it or not, one song sounded like the Israeli Hava Nagila, and I wondered if the crowd would soon break into a Hora! When I asked about that, the priest shrugged her shoulders and said that we are all ONE! How true that is!!
We went to my Goddaughter’s grandparents’ house, and had a delicious lunch to celebrate. Man, can these folks cook!! My Goddaughter's father decorated a multicolored salad for me, because he knows I'm part rabbit. How touching when people prepare your favorite foods for you. But especially, how LOVING that is!! By the time we ate, my little honey was fully awake and filled with energy. How beautiful to watch this tiny ball of fire, intelligence and thought-flow. The love throughout this house was effervescent, and each moment I shared with this family was special. I am grateful to have been a participant in this event, and to have been made to feel so welcome in this, an addendum to my biological family. I truly want to make an impact on this little being’s life—with God’s help!
My next stop was a celebration for my friends’ older daughter who had just finished running the NYC marathon. Thirty-three years ago, I introduced my girlfriend to the man who turned out to be her husband. This couple remains as my closest friends. Their daughter, and another, are the brilliant and beautiful spawn of their union. Joining us were some of the runner’s friends from Yale, where she recently received an MBA. What a fabulous group of young and accomplished achievers! There were perhaps 12 of us in all. We ate at Ben’s on W. 38th Street in Manhattan. From there, I think we became transfixed into a Seinfeld episode with a waitress who was servicing us from Planet Uranus. She told us her earth name was Margaret, but I wonder what her real planetary name is . . .
Problems began when I told Margaret that my knife was dirty, and she gave me another one. When I showed her that that one was dirty, too, we suddenly heard crash, boom, bang. She was now THROWING the silverware in a bin right behind us in her anger over the dirty utensils. The crashing sounds were so loud, we jumped.
Then came my hot tea—carelessly spilled on the pants of my girlfriend and me. I joked, “It’s a good thing I’m not wearing white pants.” But we laughed and kind-heartedly took it in stride, as we continued our conversations. However, after that, Margaret managed to practically throw the soup at us, spilling it on the same spot she nailed us on with the hot tea. A second bowl of soup was spilled, too. At this point, I began to surmise that Margaret’s actions were deliberate. How clumsy an oaf could a waitress be? When she cleared our table to make room for our entree, the empty soup bowls were sloppily spilled on my camel cashmere coat. That was it!
She moved to the table next to ours which she was also serving. Suddenly, she issued the “F” word, which left the talkative gang at our lively table suddenly silent. We heard Margaret apologizing to the other table for SOMETHING. But then she was back to us, now apologizing to me for all the spillage. I told her I was sending the restaurant my dry cleaning bill for the coat, so she brought me an array of amazing chocolate cookies, which I passed around to the twenty-somethings who don’t have to work out as I to keep in shape. Then she offered to bring me a huge slice of some gooey cake. I nixed that. My girlfriend told the restaurant that Margaret needed to take a pill. Maybe she had already taken one, and we were reaping the effects.
Today my girlfriend’s husband called to tell me, “I understand there’s a new waitress school, and they’re looking for someone to practice on as a target. Would you consider the role?” I told him I had already put in my time, thank you very much. Although Ben’s Restaurant served tasty food, Margaret left a bad taste in my mouth, and I’ll ever eat there again. Aren't restaurants in recessionary times supposed to bend over backwards? Earth to Uranus, did you get the message??
Sunday was quite a day! Celebrations and honors for young and old, and a Seinfeld script that no one could have made up! But love blanketed me this Sunday, and it will be the LOVE part of this weekend that I will hold in my heart forever!
We went to my Goddaughter’s grandparents’ house, and had a delicious lunch to celebrate. Man, can these folks cook!! My Goddaughter's father decorated a multicolored salad for me, because he knows I'm part rabbit. How touching when people prepare your favorite foods for you. But especially, how LOVING that is!! By the time we ate, my little honey was fully awake and filled with energy. How beautiful to watch this tiny ball of fire, intelligence and thought-flow. The love throughout this house was effervescent, and each moment I shared with this family was special. I am grateful to have been a participant in this event, and to have been made to feel so welcome in this, an addendum to my biological family. I truly want to make an impact on this little being’s life—with God’s help!
My next stop was a celebration for my friends’ older daughter who had just finished running the NYC marathon. Thirty-three years ago, I introduced my girlfriend to the man who turned out to be her husband. This couple remains as my closest friends. Their daughter, and another, are the brilliant and beautiful spawn of their union. Joining us were some of the runner’s friends from Yale, where she recently received an MBA. What a fabulous group of young and accomplished achievers! There were perhaps 12 of us in all. We ate at Ben’s on W. 38th Street in Manhattan. From there, I think we became transfixed into a Seinfeld episode with a waitress who was servicing us from Planet Uranus. She told us her earth name was Margaret, but I wonder what her real planetary name is . . .
Problems began when I told Margaret that my knife was dirty, and she gave me another one. When I showed her that that one was dirty, too, we suddenly heard crash, boom, bang. She was now THROWING the silverware in a bin right behind us in her anger over the dirty utensils. The crashing sounds were so loud, we jumped.
Then came my hot tea—carelessly spilled on the pants of my girlfriend and me. I joked, “It’s a good thing I’m not wearing white pants.” But we laughed and kind-heartedly took it in stride, as we continued our conversations. However, after that, Margaret managed to practically throw the soup at us, spilling it on the same spot she nailed us on with the hot tea. A second bowl of soup was spilled, too. At this point, I began to surmise that Margaret’s actions were deliberate. How clumsy an oaf could a waitress be? When she cleared our table to make room for our entree, the empty soup bowls were sloppily spilled on my camel cashmere coat. That was it!
She moved to the table next to ours which she was also serving. Suddenly, she issued the “F” word, which left the talkative gang at our lively table suddenly silent. We heard Margaret apologizing to the other table for SOMETHING. But then she was back to us, now apologizing to me for all the spillage. I told her I was sending the restaurant my dry cleaning bill for the coat, so she brought me an array of amazing chocolate cookies, which I passed around to the twenty-somethings who don’t have to work out as I to keep in shape. Then she offered to bring me a huge slice of some gooey cake. I nixed that. My girlfriend told the restaurant that Margaret needed to take a pill. Maybe she had already taken one, and we were reaping the effects.
Today my girlfriend’s husband called to tell me, “I understand there’s a new waitress school, and they’re looking for someone to practice on as a target. Would you consider the role?” I told him I had already put in my time, thank you very much. Although Ben’s Restaurant served tasty food, Margaret left a bad taste in my mouth, and I’ll ever eat there again. Aren't restaurants in recessionary times supposed to bend over backwards? Earth to Uranus, did you get the message??
Sunday was quite a day! Celebrations and honors for young and old, and a Seinfeld script that no one could have made up! But love blanketed me this Sunday, and it will be the LOVE part of this weekend that I will hold in my heart forever!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Great Gallery Opening
I went to a GREAT gallery opening last night at DLC on W. 26th St. in NY: http://tinyurl.com/ybk27vs I spoke to an amazing Australian artist who paints dark, intriguing work. He was funny and quirky. And his handsome friend, also from Australia, filled me in on the artist’s life. Then he asked to take a photo of my legs with the slit up the back of my pants. Since he’s an artist, too, perhaps I’ll see my legs duplicated in some gallery in Europe one day!
The opening also featured a 21st C bronze sculptor of female nudes, whose work I love!! Unfortunately, that artist was not there, but I had met him at another opening last year where I saw much more of his sculptures.
The crowd was eclectic, interesting, and some were bedecked in Halloween garb. A man began to talk to me, but he didn’t know the laws of social distance. He stood only 2 inches from my mouth. Knowing the laws of social distance is a must for anyone who goes out of the house. The rule is to stand about 15 inches from the person you’re speaking with. Anything closer gives the impression of intimacy. In the case of this dude talking to me, there was NO intimacy present there and there was not going to be any intimacy in the future. Perhaps he thought otherwise, and that’s why he stood so close. But my end of the conversation showed my body language as no. No. NO! Dude didn’t read me, so I moved on, mixed with others, and soon left. I felt like I needed a shower!
It was a gorgeous, warm October evening. I am so grateful to enrich myself whenever I can. Every experience I have and every person I meet expands me...
The opening also featured a 21st C bronze sculptor of female nudes, whose work I love!! Unfortunately, that artist was not there, but I had met him at another opening last year where I saw much more of his sculptures.
The crowd was eclectic, interesting, and some were bedecked in Halloween garb. A man began to talk to me, but he didn’t know the laws of social distance. He stood only 2 inches from my mouth. Knowing the laws of social distance is a must for anyone who goes out of the house. The rule is to stand about 15 inches from the person you’re speaking with. Anything closer gives the impression of intimacy. In the case of this dude talking to me, there was NO intimacy present there and there was not going to be any intimacy in the future. Perhaps he thought otherwise, and that’s why he stood so close. But my end of the conversation showed my body language as no. No. NO! Dude didn’t read me, so I moved on, mixed with others, and soon left. I felt like I needed a shower!
It was a gorgeous, warm October evening. I am so grateful to enrich myself whenever I can. Every experience I have and every person I meet expands me...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Open Letter to Mrs. Letterman
Dear Dave Letterman's Wife,
Plenty of people defend their mates no matter what. The Craigslist Murderer was described as an “all-American boy,” an innocent-looking blonde med student “with a GQ smile.” His fiancé hung in with him until the evidence was absolutely irrefutable. The fiancé of the alleged murderer of the Yale lab student stood by her man after other women blasted him with sexual harassment claims, and even after the murder indictment. She insisted, “He is definitely not the best judge of character but, he is a good guy.” Ted Bundy was engaged to a “beautiful fiancé who never suspected his murderous tendencies.” And the fictitious Dexter, on his own TV series, is now married with a child. His wife, too, has no idea.
The terrible truth is that your mate doesn’t have to be a murderer for you to be involved in emotionally barren love. When gorgeous Christie Brinkley was divorcing Peter Cook after 12 years of marriage, she admitted, “I really didn’t know him.” That’s also what South Carolina’s First Lady said about her husband after she discovered his love for the Argentine Tango. And now I wonder, during 23 years together, whether you, Dave Letterman’s girlfriend-turned-wife, ever acknowledged his emotional distancing.
Women don’t own the franchise on not knowing who their mate is. A male client emailed me, “I am divorced now. We dated for 7 years, and were married for one. I don’t know why, but she cheated on me. I still love her.” I asked, “What do you love about her??” He couldn’t answer; after all these years, he didn’t even know who she was!
My concern here is for the partners involved with and even married to mates they barely know. A client I counseled just told me her middle-aged, white-collar husband has joined a rock band, his excuse to be mauled each night by adoring groupies. I had counseled her earlier that he seemed to have one foot out the marital door. She did not want to hear me . . .
Even if you fear the answers you may get, ask the questions you need to know. If your honey is evasive, find out why. If your sweetie is closed down, penetrate the metal armor. If your relationship is derailing, discover the reason. With all my clients, I examine the kind of relationship they REALLY had—beyond their comfy rationalizations. I ask what payoffs they were REALLY getting. And why they continued to hang in when their gut warned them otherwise—as it always does.
Vow never to be caught off guard again! If you remove your rose-colored glasses NOW, you can set the template for future love that is truthful and transparent! Please believe that you deserve it!!!
Dr. Gilda Carle
XXX
DR. GILDA CARLE is an internationally-known relationship expert, author, professor, and Match.com columnist of ASK DR. GILDA, published on MSN.com. Her best-selling book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!" has become a classic. Her latest E-Books are "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity" and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Visit her at www.DrGilda.com
Plenty of people defend their mates no matter what. The Craigslist Murderer was described as an “all-American boy,” an innocent-looking blonde med student “with a GQ smile.” His fiancé hung in with him until the evidence was absolutely irrefutable. The fiancé of the alleged murderer of the Yale lab student stood by her man after other women blasted him with sexual harassment claims, and even after the murder indictment. She insisted, “He is definitely not the best judge of character but, he is a good guy.” Ted Bundy was engaged to a “beautiful fiancé who never suspected his murderous tendencies.” And the fictitious Dexter, on his own TV series, is now married with a child. His wife, too, has no idea.
The terrible truth is that your mate doesn’t have to be a murderer for you to be involved in emotionally barren love. When gorgeous Christie Brinkley was divorcing Peter Cook after 12 years of marriage, she admitted, “I really didn’t know him.” That’s also what South Carolina’s First Lady said about her husband after she discovered his love for the Argentine Tango. And now I wonder, during 23 years together, whether you, Dave Letterman’s girlfriend-turned-wife, ever acknowledged his emotional distancing.
Women don’t own the franchise on not knowing who their mate is. A male client emailed me, “I am divorced now. We dated for 7 years, and were married for one. I don’t know why, but she cheated on me. I still love her.” I asked, “What do you love about her??” He couldn’t answer; after all these years, he didn’t even know who she was!
My concern here is for the partners involved with and even married to mates they barely know. A client I counseled just told me her middle-aged, white-collar husband has joined a rock band, his excuse to be mauled each night by adoring groupies. I had counseled her earlier that he seemed to have one foot out the marital door. She did not want to hear me . . .
Even if you fear the answers you may get, ask the questions you need to know. If your honey is evasive, find out why. If your sweetie is closed down, penetrate the metal armor. If your relationship is derailing, discover the reason. With all my clients, I examine the kind of relationship they REALLY had—beyond their comfy rationalizations. I ask what payoffs they were REALLY getting. And why they continued to hang in when their gut warned them otherwise—as it always does.
Vow never to be caught off guard again! If you remove your rose-colored glasses NOW, you can set the template for future love that is truthful and transparent! Please believe that you deserve it!!!
Dr. Gilda Carle
XXX
DR. GILDA CARLE is an internationally-known relationship expert, author, professor, and Match.com columnist of ASK DR. GILDA, published on MSN.com. Her best-selling book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!" has become a classic. Her latest E-Books are "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity" and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Visit her at www.DrGilda.com
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
California Dreamin'
I just returned from LA. It was a beautiful trip, the weather was gorgeous, and I saw many wonderful friends I have missed. One of my most memorable experiences was spending time with Robert Spencer, partner for 65 years to the legendary Hollywood icon, Mr. Blackwell. “Spencer,” as his friends call him, ran the huge Blackwell fashion business. Now he is 88 years old, and in fairly good health. He is a relative to Princess Diana Spencer, and he has stories of when he and Blackwell visited the Royal Palace in London. What a gentleman he is! There are photos around their estate showing both men in their earlier days. How handsome, dapper, and opulent their surroundings! They had a splendid life together, a relationship from which we can all learn.
Spencer is saddened by the loss of his partner, as am I. It is now one year since Mr. Blackwell died. He was a supportive mentor to me. I remember once when I introduced him to two young women who said they wanted to produce me. He took me aside and said, “They don’t know what they’re talking about.” Blackwell had had his own TV spectacular for a number of years, and he knew the medium well. For sure, he was right, and I moved along to greener pastures. More recently, I told him about my latest TV show idea. He grasped it immediately, recognized the public’s need for it, and encouraged me to pursue it. That show is still in the works. Mr. Blackwell was no B.S.; he said everything as he saw it. Yet, few people knew what a wonderful marshmallow he was beyond his tough exterior.
While I was in LA, a friend visited me with a psychic by her side. She gave me a reading as a gift. He told me something sensational that 3 other psychics from all over the country had also been predicting. Do these people all belong to the same union?? I’ll let you know if and when that comes to pass. Very intriguing!!
It was grand going to Agape with another friend, as we always do on Sunday mornings. Michael Beckwith’s sermon struck some important chords in me that I will remember forever. And another darling friend and I had a glorious dinner where we planned a new and exciting business venture. I also met my agent for lunch, and had a few other lunches and dinners by the beach in magnificent Santa Monica. Breathtaking!
All in all, the reason I THOUGHT I was being called to LA turned out to be something entirely different. And doesn’t that really describe most of life? But I noted how I had grown. While meeting with a producer friend of mine, I was prepared to hand him a TV show treatment I had created. However, I sensed his negativity about the industry, so I changed my mind. These days, I avoid negatives even after I’ve worked hard to prepare an agenda of my own. This is a big step for me who is used to customarily barreling through my plans whether or not my listener is receptive. On this trip, I listened carefully to what people had to say, I was open to what I heard, whether I liked it or not, and I was not afraid to change my course.
I returned home to NY in a rested state of mind. But as a result of the insights I gained, my business partner and I are proceeding on a different path with our TV show. We both feel very good about the change. As I’ve learned from Robert, “Two roads diverged in a road, and I, I chose the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.” I don’t yet know what that “difference” truly is. But one of the things the California psychic heard during my reading was a Frank Sinatra song, “The Best is Yet to Be.” I hope he’s right. I’ll let you know!
XXX
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.), is a media personality, a product spokesperson, has a private practice, and is an associate professor at Mercy College, in New York. Her best-selling books include "Don't Bet on the Prince!," "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity," and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Please visit her at www.DrGilda.com
Spencer is saddened by the loss of his partner, as am I. It is now one year since Mr. Blackwell died. He was a supportive mentor to me. I remember once when I introduced him to two young women who said they wanted to produce me. He took me aside and said, “They don’t know what they’re talking about.” Blackwell had had his own TV spectacular for a number of years, and he knew the medium well. For sure, he was right, and I moved along to greener pastures. More recently, I told him about my latest TV show idea. He grasped it immediately, recognized the public’s need for it, and encouraged me to pursue it. That show is still in the works. Mr. Blackwell was no B.S.; he said everything as he saw it. Yet, few people knew what a wonderful marshmallow he was beyond his tough exterior.
While I was in LA, a friend visited me with a psychic by her side. She gave me a reading as a gift. He told me something sensational that 3 other psychics from all over the country had also been predicting. Do these people all belong to the same union?? I’ll let you know if and when that comes to pass. Very intriguing!!
It was grand going to Agape with another friend, as we always do on Sunday mornings. Michael Beckwith’s sermon struck some important chords in me that I will remember forever. And another darling friend and I had a glorious dinner where we planned a new and exciting business venture. I also met my agent for lunch, and had a few other lunches and dinners by the beach in magnificent Santa Monica. Breathtaking!
All in all, the reason I THOUGHT I was being called to LA turned out to be something entirely different. And doesn’t that really describe most of life? But I noted how I had grown. While meeting with a producer friend of mine, I was prepared to hand him a TV show treatment I had created. However, I sensed his negativity about the industry, so I changed my mind. These days, I avoid negatives even after I’ve worked hard to prepare an agenda of my own. This is a big step for me who is used to customarily barreling through my plans whether or not my listener is receptive. On this trip, I listened carefully to what people had to say, I was open to what I heard, whether I liked it or not, and I was not afraid to change my course.
I returned home to NY in a rested state of mind. But as a result of the insights I gained, my business partner and I are proceeding on a different path with our TV show. We both feel very good about the change. As I’ve learned from Robert, “Two roads diverged in a road, and I, I chose the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.” I don’t yet know what that “difference” truly is. But one of the things the California psychic heard during my reading was a Frank Sinatra song, “The Best is Yet to Be.” I hope he’s right. I’ll let you know!
XXX
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.), is a media personality, a product spokesperson, has a private practice, and is an associate professor at Mercy College, in New York. Her best-selling books include "Don't Bet on the Prince!," "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity," and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Please visit her at www.DrGilda.com
Sunday, September 6, 2009
"I Want Him to Be Monogamous"
When they started dating, she didn’t mind that he was seeing other women, but now she wants him to commit to her and her alone. Does she stand a chance?
Dear Dr. Gilda,
I have been in a nonmonogamous relationship with a man I met at the end of my marriage. I have not been with other men, but he let me know from the start that he was with other women. At the time, I didn’t care because I was not ready to be in another relationship.
This weekend at his house I found another woman’s clothes. I shut down immediately. He apologized and I asked how many other women he was sleeping with, and he said two. I asked how he ranked us in order from one to three. He said he didn’t think of it in that way, and he was offended that I asked.
He said he has never tried to flaunt the other women. That is true; when we are together, it is always about us.
I am having a hard time with this. I felt that we’d been getting so close during the past few months. We go away together, and our children know each other.
Everyone says I should bail out now! I feel lied to. He always told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he has a bad heart ailment. He was married for 10 years and felt he wasted a lot of time with his ex, and that all relationships require work. I have always made myself accessible to him, and now I feel so stupid!
—Ready for More
Dear Ready for More,
OK, exactly when did you become “Ready for More”? Not after your marital breakup. Not when you entered a nonmonogamous relationship with this man. Within the last few months when you sensed that you and Mr. Noncommittal were bonding, that’s when you became “ready for more.” But, honey, you bought the farm as it was. When you suddenly decide to change the mortgage agreement, how would you expect any guy to react?
All along, your boyfriend assumed that things were fine with you and his harem. But, as my Gilda-Gram says, “What you accept, you teach.” From the outset, you accepted the conditions of your affair and you (unwittingly) taught him that nonmonogamy was your choice, too. In actuality, you told him “Keep it coming!”
Unfortunately, you miscalculated that the two of you were “getting so close” during the last months. I have a concern about this: How “close” could you have been if you didn’t know what he was doing when he wasn’t with you?
You insecurely put yourself in a bad position by asking him to rate your importance when compared with the other women. Have you no pride?
You made yourself “accessible to him” even though you knew that he was not interested in anything long-term. Did you believe this would buy his affection and turn him around? Listen, Ready, you can’t buy love. If you give in order to get, resentment will only build over time — he would think he’s being had, and you would never get what you really wanted.
Here’s what I suggest you do now:
1. Decide what YOU really want from this player. He blames a heart condition for not wanting commitment, but his heart seems healthy enough to pump out his sexual gyrations! How does that work, exactly?
2. Reexamine your definition of a “close” relationship and amend your definition since it’s not what you thought this union would bring.
Assess whether this guy’s need to play the field is the attitude of someone you want to continue seeing.
3. Stop beating up on yourself for past vulnerabilities. You met the guy on the rebound — which is not a good time to begin dating. Thankfully, your dark cloud has now lifted!
Fortunately, you’ve grown and changed since the two of you met. Celebrate your progress. If this guy doesn’t fit with the person you are today, let him go without malice. You are now indeed “ready for more” — with someone else!
XXX
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.), is a media personality, a product spokesperson, has a private practice, and is an associate professor at Mercy College, in New York. Her best-selling books include "Don't Bet on the Prince!," "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity," and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Please visit her at www.DrGilda.com
Dear Dr. Gilda,
I have been in a nonmonogamous relationship with a man I met at the end of my marriage. I have not been with other men, but he let me know from the start that he was with other women. At the time, I didn’t care because I was not ready to be in another relationship.
This weekend at his house I found another woman’s clothes. I shut down immediately. He apologized and I asked how many other women he was sleeping with, and he said two. I asked how he ranked us in order from one to three. He said he didn’t think of it in that way, and he was offended that I asked.
He said he has never tried to flaunt the other women. That is true; when we are together, it is always about us.
I am having a hard time with this. I felt that we’d been getting so close during the past few months. We go away together, and our children know each other.
Everyone says I should bail out now! I feel lied to. He always told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he has a bad heart ailment. He was married for 10 years and felt he wasted a lot of time with his ex, and that all relationships require work. I have always made myself accessible to him, and now I feel so stupid!
—Ready for More
Dear Ready for More,
OK, exactly when did you become “Ready for More”? Not after your marital breakup. Not when you entered a nonmonogamous relationship with this man. Within the last few months when you sensed that you and Mr. Noncommittal were bonding, that’s when you became “ready for more.” But, honey, you bought the farm as it was. When you suddenly decide to change the mortgage agreement, how would you expect any guy to react?
All along, your boyfriend assumed that things were fine with you and his harem. But, as my Gilda-Gram says, “What you accept, you teach.” From the outset, you accepted the conditions of your affair and you (unwittingly) taught him that nonmonogamy was your choice, too. In actuality, you told him “Keep it coming!”
Unfortunately, you miscalculated that the two of you were “getting so close” during the last months. I have a concern about this: How “close” could you have been if you didn’t know what he was doing when he wasn’t with you?
You insecurely put yourself in a bad position by asking him to rate your importance when compared with the other women. Have you no pride?
You made yourself “accessible to him” even though you knew that he was not interested in anything long-term. Did you believe this would buy his affection and turn him around? Listen, Ready, you can’t buy love. If you give in order to get, resentment will only build over time — he would think he’s being had, and you would never get what you really wanted.
Here’s what I suggest you do now:
1. Decide what YOU really want from this player. He blames a heart condition for not wanting commitment, but his heart seems healthy enough to pump out his sexual gyrations! How does that work, exactly?
2. Reexamine your definition of a “close” relationship and amend your definition since it’s not what you thought this union would bring.
Assess whether this guy’s need to play the field is the attitude of someone you want to continue seeing.
3. Stop beating up on yourself for past vulnerabilities. You met the guy on the rebound — which is not a good time to begin dating. Thankfully, your dark cloud has now lifted!
Fortunately, you’ve grown and changed since the two of you met. Celebrate your progress. If this guy doesn’t fit with the person you are today, let him go without malice. You are now indeed “ready for more” — with someone else!
XXX
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.), is a media personality, a product spokesperson, has a private practice, and is an associate professor at Mercy College, in New York. Her best-selling books include "Don't Bet on the Prince!," "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity," and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Please visit her at www.DrGilda.com
Saturday, September 5, 2009
ARE YOU ON RESERVE? Why He Wants Your Waiting in the Wings, and How You Can Take Your Power Back
HERE'S AN ARTICLE I DIDN'T WRITE, BUT IN WHICH I'M QUOTED. IT'S FUN! The author is Jordan Salvatoriello, from the Boston Singles Examiner. I enjoyed reading it and I hope you will, too.
Dr. Gilda
XXX
We’ve all had reservations. You raised an eyebrow when leg warmers made a comeback and when Crocs found their way into mainstream fashion. And we’ve all made them, like for patio seating on Newbury Street or that regrettable bikini wax. But what about when a romantic interest puts you “on reserve”? I am referring, of course, to the all too common, but very hush-hush social practice of keeping one potential mate waiting on hold, while actively pursuing the affections of another.
The Symptoms
The act of being placed “on reserve,” also referred to as “plan B," has been known to emotionally bench even the most sensible of bachelors, and can be spotted by its dizzying array of distasteful symptoms.
“If he never wants to make a definite date (‘would you like to go out Friday night?’) and just wants to come over to your house on the spur of the moment, if he doesn't make an effort to keep in touch and doesn't seem to think about the future, he's probably not really interested in you or in commitment,” said Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (a.k.a. "Dr. Romance"), psychotherapist and author.
But, let’s be honest, you didn’t need a doctor to tell you that. So why is it that so many singles manage to keep someone waiting in the wings, and even more puzzling, why do so many smart and successful singles allow themselves to be second best? And if you are indeed his “Miss Right,” but not “Miss Right Now,” how do you get off that bench and get in the game?
The Methods Behind the Madness
Reason #1: Fear of commitment
With 30 being the new 20, your mother stopped nagging you to settle down and get married already. After all, this is the era of online dating, and with an endless array of options just a click away, it’s no wonder we feel no sense of urgency to commit to just one.
“Several men I dated in the past would tell me they found me attractive, had a lot of fun with me, but that I was the kind of woman to ‘take home to mom,’ and therefore could not get involved with me,” said M.B., a public relations executive. “The message is essentially: ‘I like you a lot and find you very attractive, but I am afraid of commitment, so instead of being with you, I am going to date some chick who I know I don't want to marry. She gets to go out and have fun with me, while you get to stay home and wonder what you might have done to make me not want to be with you.’”
Reason #2: Fear of being alone
“Singles who keep others ‘on reserve’ are terrified of being alone,” said Match.com’s resident advice columnist, Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., adding that repeat offenders sometimes feel a need for control, or perhaps come from meager beginnings and therefore want to safeguard a secure future. “And it’s not just men. I have a client who always has someone she calls a ‘plan B’ waiting around the corner, just in case her current steady boyfriend disappears. One of her secrets is that she never gets too close and maintains the mystery, so they continue to flock.”
OK, so maybe your crush has a few emotional insecurities. You get it and are ready to move on, except for the fact that he keeps calling or texting you without provocation and confusing your sensible brain. So, what’s with all of the mixed messages?
“A woman ‘on reserve’ is like the ‘safe zone’ in a game of tag,” said Christine Agro, a clairvoyant and spiritual teacher. “He knows he can always go there and feel safe, be nurtured and loved, and not have to give much in return, and can then venture out to explore a relationship with more challenges.”
Reason #3: Filling a void
This rationale takes a little from column A and a little from column B, where a romantic interest may be in a committed relationship, but isn’t feeling entirely fulfilled and is unable to emotionally jump in with both feet.
“My ‘plan B’ fills needs that aren’t necessarily being met in my current relationship,” said Nick, a marketing manager. “A ‘plan B’ provides that excitement and thrill of the hunt; that fun, sexual tension I crave, without my having to actually cheat.”
Don’t Rationalize Second Best
Sure, intermittent communications and the occasional cancelled plans seem like minor offenses compared to other dating atrocities you may have suffered (which is likely why so many singles get away with it for so long), but it is a much more self-destructive act than it may appear to be on the surface.
“Being willing to accept the ‘on reserve’ position says as much about her as it does about him,” said Agro. “A woman who accepts this position either thinks she can change him, or isn’t valuing herself.”
“There are some women who won’t mind being ‘on reserve,’ because they themselves aren’t ready to commit. But most women will make concessions emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually,” adds Agro. “They get so hooked into this person that they neglect their own desires, wants and needs.”
Getting Back in the Game
This might come as a surprise, but only you have the power to take yourself off reserve status. The experts agree: Don’t wait around, take control and get a life!
Tip #1: “Women need to ask themselves: ‘What is it that I want in a relationship?’ I can guarantee you, for most, it isn’t waiting in the wings,” said Agro. “If you are sitting and waiting for Mr. ‘Not Right Now,’ you will never meet the man you can truly have a meaningful relationship with.”
Tip #2: “Don't look for the surface stuff. Handsome is as handsome does,” said Tessina. “Find a guy with character, which you're more likely to find out if you are socially involved with him before you are personally involved with him.”
Tip #3: “Stop depending on a guy to come around,” said Carle. “Go out and find your own adventure. If ever you’ll have a chance with a guy, it’s when you are seriously in love with what you do.”
Dr. Gilda
XXX
We’ve all had reservations. You raised an eyebrow when leg warmers made a comeback and when Crocs found their way into mainstream fashion. And we’ve all made them, like for patio seating on Newbury Street or that regrettable bikini wax. But what about when a romantic interest puts you “on reserve”? I am referring, of course, to the all too common, but very hush-hush social practice of keeping one potential mate waiting on hold, while actively pursuing the affections of another.
The Symptoms
The act of being placed “on reserve,” also referred to as “plan B," has been known to emotionally bench even the most sensible of bachelors, and can be spotted by its dizzying array of distasteful symptoms.
“If he never wants to make a definite date (‘would you like to go out Friday night?’) and just wants to come over to your house on the spur of the moment, if he doesn't make an effort to keep in touch and doesn't seem to think about the future, he's probably not really interested in you or in commitment,” said Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (a.k.a. "Dr. Romance"), psychotherapist and author.
But, let’s be honest, you didn’t need a doctor to tell you that. So why is it that so many singles manage to keep someone waiting in the wings, and even more puzzling, why do so many smart and successful singles allow themselves to be second best? And if you are indeed his “Miss Right,” but not “Miss Right Now,” how do you get off that bench and get in the game?
The Methods Behind the Madness
Reason #1: Fear of commitment
With 30 being the new 20, your mother stopped nagging you to settle down and get married already. After all, this is the era of online dating, and with an endless array of options just a click away, it’s no wonder we feel no sense of urgency to commit to just one.
“Several men I dated in the past would tell me they found me attractive, had a lot of fun with me, but that I was the kind of woman to ‘take home to mom,’ and therefore could not get involved with me,” said M.B., a public relations executive. “The message is essentially: ‘I like you a lot and find you very attractive, but I am afraid of commitment, so instead of being with you, I am going to date some chick who I know I don't want to marry. She gets to go out and have fun with me, while you get to stay home and wonder what you might have done to make me not want to be with you.’”
Reason #2: Fear of being alone
“Singles who keep others ‘on reserve’ are terrified of being alone,” said Match.com’s resident advice columnist, Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., adding that repeat offenders sometimes feel a need for control, or perhaps come from meager beginnings and therefore want to safeguard a secure future. “And it’s not just men. I have a client who always has someone she calls a ‘plan B’ waiting around the corner, just in case her current steady boyfriend disappears. One of her secrets is that she never gets too close and maintains the mystery, so they continue to flock.”
OK, so maybe your crush has a few emotional insecurities. You get it and are ready to move on, except for the fact that he keeps calling or texting you without provocation and confusing your sensible brain. So, what’s with all of the mixed messages?
“A woman ‘on reserve’ is like the ‘safe zone’ in a game of tag,” said Christine Agro, a clairvoyant and spiritual teacher. “He knows he can always go there and feel safe, be nurtured and loved, and not have to give much in return, and can then venture out to explore a relationship with more challenges.”
Reason #3: Filling a void
This rationale takes a little from column A and a little from column B, where a romantic interest may be in a committed relationship, but isn’t feeling entirely fulfilled and is unable to emotionally jump in with both feet.
“My ‘plan B’ fills needs that aren’t necessarily being met in my current relationship,” said Nick, a marketing manager. “A ‘plan B’ provides that excitement and thrill of the hunt; that fun, sexual tension I crave, without my having to actually cheat.”
Don’t Rationalize Second Best
Sure, intermittent communications and the occasional cancelled plans seem like minor offenses compared to other dating atrocities you may have suffered (which is likely why so many singles get away with it for so long), but it is a much more self-destructive act than it may appear to be on the surface.
“Being willing to accept the ‘on reserve’ position says as much about her as it does about him,” said Agro. “A woman who accepts this position either thinks she can change him, or isn’t valuing herself.”
“There are some women who won’t mind being ‘on reserve,’ because they themselves aren’t ready to commit. But most women will make concessions emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually,” adds Agro. “They get so hooked into this person that they neglect their own desires, wants and needs.”
Getting Back in the Game
This might come as a surprise, but only you have the power to take yourself off reserve status. The experts agree: Don’t wait around, take control and get a life!
Tip #1: “Women need to ask themselves: ‘What is it that I want in a relationship?’ I can guarantee you, for most, it isn’t waiting in the wings,” said Agro. “If you are sitting and waiting for Mr. ‘Not Right Now,’ you will never meet the man you can truly have a meaningful relationship with.”
Tip #2: “Don't look for the surface stuff. Handsome is as handsome does,” said Tessina. “Find a guy with character, which you're more likely to find out if you are socially involved with him before you are personally involved with him.”
Tip #3: “Stop depending on a guy to come around,” said Carle. “Go out and find your own adventure. If ever you’ll have a chance with a guy, it’s when you are seriously in love with what you do.”
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