Dr. Gilda Carle

DR. GILDA SAVES WOMEN FROM DEMI'S PLIGHT

2012-01-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

Dr. Gilda is Out to Save Our Women from Demi’s Plight

www.Celebzter.com

Each day, the reports over why Demi Moore was hospitalized get even more heartbreaking. Across the board, one thing seems to be fact: She had a seizure and her health has been in decline for some time.

People.com is claiming she didn’t try and commit suicide,, whilst TMZ is reporting that Demi is seeking treatment after a nitrous oxide-induced medical emergency. So, where is Ashton whilst all this drama is unfolding? Oh, he’s out clubbing with young women.

Here’s Dr Gilda’s take on all this…

WHAT WE LEARN FROM DEMI'S MARRIAGE

Dr. Gilda Carle

It’s bad enough to find your husband cheating again and again. It’s also bad for each of his trysts to be broadcast in the media as you feel more and more betrayed and humiliated. But the marriage between Ashton and Demi was no ordinary one. And despite what anyone might think, their age discrepancy was not the issue! It was the roles this couple played in each other’s lives that did them in. Ashton is an immature child and Demi donned the role of “mommy” to her little boy.

These are the antics that continue to play out for this pair. The NY Post’s Page Six reports that Ashton continues to play with models, but then seek out Demi for consolation when he’s feeling lonely and down.

Ladies, what’s up with us? So many of my female clients think they have to be the mommy to their men. My chapter in “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” is titled, “Give From the Overflow, Not from the Core.” Yes, girls, give to your honey after you’ve first CARED FOR YOURSELF! Demi became exhausted from overfunctioning for Ashton while underfunctioning for herself. And look where she’s at now: in rehab!!! Warning: Being a mommy to your man-child is dangerous to your health.

Tags: shton Kutcher partying in Brazil, Demi Moore, Demi Moore being treated for exhaustion, demi Moore hospitalized, demi Moore rehab, Dr Gilda Carle

MADONNA BADGER'S GRIEF

2012-01-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

Doctors Speak Out On How Madonna Badger Can Recover From Her Terrible Tragedy

Tags:

Dr. Gilda Carle, Dr. Jeff Gardere, Madonna Badger

Overcome by grief over the loss of her three young daughters in a tragic fire, Madonna attempted suicide — and experts tell HollyBaby.com exclusively how she can get the help and strength she needs to heal.

A heartbroken Madonna Badger, 47, bravely made it through the funeral of her three young daughters and parents, who she lost in a Christmas Day fire, but in the weeks following she tried to take her life after clearly not being able to handle the extreme emotional pain. She’s now been released from the hospital, and experts that HollywoodLife.com consulted suggest how she can begin to cope with such a devastating loss.

The experts we spoke to say that while in the hospital Madonna would have been under constant supervision, been given mood stabilizers and kept from anything that she could use to harm herself. “She would have been getting psychotherapy or intervention — doctors would have been speaking with her, helping her identify” why she tried to take her own life, explained psychologist Jeff Gardere, Associate Professor at Touro College in Osteopathic Medicine.

“She undoubtedly is in the mindset of ‘if only,’” says psychotherapist Dr. Gilda Carle, author of How To Win At Love. “If only I had done this, done that… then this would not have happened. You know you just can’t do that to yourself. That will only make you more upset.”

Now that she’s out of the hospital, Madonna can take this step towards recovery:

Don’t place blame on anyone. “Just accept that this happened, this just happened,” says Dr. Carle. “This is one of those situations where no one can even begin to fathom that kind of loss, that kind of tragedy, unless it's happened to you.”

We hope Madonna will be able to somehow get through this very tragic time!

DEMI DID DRUGS IN FRONT OF RUMER!

2012-01-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

Demi Moore: It’s Horrendous That You Did Drugs In Front Of Your Daughter, Rumer Willis!

Demi — there’s no excuse for doing drugs in front of your children!

You are making your daughter “become the mother. Role reversal can do terrible damage,” says Psychotherapist to the Stars, Dr. Gilda Carle, of drgilda.com. "Rumer is being forced to act as the responsible parent, having to take care of Demi. She had to watch her convulse and lose consciousness and had to oversee her care at the hospital. In photos of Rumer outside the hospital where Demi was treated, she looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
What can end up happening is she will begin to resent not having a mother,” explains Dr. Gilda Carle, author of How to Win at Love.

– Bonnie Fuller

Dr. Oz + Dr. Gilda

2012-01-27T09:38:00.000-08:00

The camera caught us IN ACTION, while Dr. Oz was asking me a question. Of course, my mouth is always in motion anyway!! Now everyone knows. :)

"I DRESS MY KID LIKE ME!"

2012-01-25T01:31:00.000-08:00

'I dress my kid like me!'

By JANE RIDLEY

January 24, 2012

On a recent Saturday afternoon at the Carlyle Hotel, Cherie Corso and her pint-size companion, Julia, were enjoying an elegant lunch.

They both ate a plate of beet salad — “We always wind up ordering the same dish,” says Corso, 43, with a laugh — and their mannerisms mirrored each other’s exactly.

And just in case anyone was in doubt as to whether the pair were mother and daughter, their identical outfits helped spell it out loud and clear.

“We like to wear our Burberry for a ‘mommy and me’ day with lunch and shopping along Madison Avenue,” says Corso, creator of the G2 Organics skin- and nail-care products sold at Bergdorf Goodman.

“I bought a vintage Burberry skirt and had it shortened to look like Julia’s. I’ll wear my black mink, which I’ve kept since the ’80s because I’m an environmentalist, and she’ll have her faux black-fur jacket.

“We coordinate all the time and buy the same items in different sizes. My father says it’s like dress-up for us. I used to play dress-up with my dolls, but now I’ve changed up to a little girl.

“It’s fun and it shows that we’re very proud to be together.”

Corso and 8-year-old Julia, of Pelham, NY, subscribe to the celebrity fashion trend led by Victoria Beckham and Gwen Stefani.

The stars routinely dress their kids as mini-mes, kitting them out in clothes and accessories that copy their own.

Gwen Stefani’s sons, Kingston, 5, and Zuma, 3, frequently appear alongside the singer in plaid pants which match flamboyant jackets from her edgy L.A.M.B label.

Baby Harper Seven Beckham, impeccably turned out at just 6 months old, never clashes with her mom’s style or color scheme. In November, the baby’s $94 chocolate-toned Terre de Sienna onesie, nice and cozy for a flight from JFK, perfectly accented Beckham’s brown fur jacket. In an interview with Google+ last week, LA Galaxy soccer star David Beckham joked about his daughter: “Her wardrobe is ridiculous already. I’m glad I got a two-year contract!”

Meanwhile, Suri Cruise, 5, was photographed in 2010 holding a small, custom-made version of mom Katie Holmes’ $1,000 Salvatore Ferragamo handbag. Last October, the duo wore different colors of the same fluffy cape — Katie in black and Suri in cream — while visiting Dad, Tom Cruise, on the Pittsburgh set of his new movie “One Shot.”

Upper West Sider Jené Luciani, fashion expert and author of “The Bra Book,” might not be an established target of the paparazzi. But she and daughter, Gigi, 2, are always camera-ready — in coordinated clothes. “Gigi is a fashionista, and it’s all my fault,” confesses Luciani, who favors Missoni (she bought much of the Missoni for Target line for Gigi), Gucci and Fendi.

Their matching ensembles began when Gigi was first born.

“I got us pj’s and a sleep sack with the same pink-and-white stripe for our first night out of the hospital,” recalls Luciani.

“Her first Christmas, when she was 2 months old, she was wearing a houndstooth skirt and red sweater. So was I.”

The pair wear identical pink Juicy Couture tracksuits for classes at the exclusive kids’ club Citibabes. They also run errands in the $200 casual outfits. The family’s holiday card featured the pair in organza pink dresses with green trim, ordered from the Manhattan-based designer Lotusgrace.

Lotusgrace is among a number of upscale brands with lines for the mommy-and-me market. Hanna Andersson, Lilly Pulitzer and MamaOm offer adult and child versions of a variety of designs, ranging from summer dresses to sweaters and swimwear. The kid size generally costs between 25 and 50 percent less than the grown-up size.

“Celebrities are more visible, but many women who are interested in fashion enjoy dressing alike with their children,” says Jenny Feldman, senior fashion editor at the designer and boutique fashion Web site myhabit.com. Luxury design brand Aviva Stanoff has created a range of mother-and-baby cashmere hoodies from Mongolia at $310 for mom and $245 for baby.

“I was a girlie girl and always wanted to have a daughter,” says Elizabeth Amorose, 39, who runs a design business in Manhattan. The two routinely match their outfits for movies, meals out and parties. “People make fun of me because I’m very much a Martha Stewart, 1950s-style mom,” admits Amorose. “I dress Amelie like my mini-me because she’s at an age when I can. She won’t stay my little doll forever.”

Amorose’s foresight is a relief to psychotherapist Dr. Gilda Carle, of the Web site www.drgilda.com. Otherwise, she spots red flags. “The occasional bit of matching is fun,” Carle says. “Most little girls want to dress like Mommy because she is their first female role model.

“It’s when it gets to be a habit that you start to wonder. It’s common among insecure mothers who see their little one as an extension of themselves and live vicariously through them.”

So far, the only stress that new mother Leigh Rossini has suffered on this matter is flack from older relatives.

“They hate that I dress my baby exactly like me,” says the Brooklyn publicist, who has a 3-month-old son, Rome.

“Everyone over 60 insists he should be in pale-blue outfits, not black. But I say: ‘No way! He’s a rock ’n’ roll kid.’ ”

The 37-year-old always coordinates her boy’s clothes with her “hippie Goth” look. “The only time we’re not in solids, it’s patterns like skulls and motorcycles,” she says. “I just bought us matching skull-and-crossbones T-shirts from Bendel’s. The difference is mine cost $95 and is covered in rhinestones. Rome’s cost $65.”

This desire to present herself, daughter Amelia, 4, and son Daniel, 2, as a team also motivates Lark-Marie Anton, the vice president of public relations for Loews Hotels.

Anton, 34, will plan a harmonized look for special times such as Christmas, family portraits and trips to the theater.

“My daughter and I will often wear the same style of fur vest or skinny jeans. Amelia is at an age where she picks up on my looks and wants to copy them.”

Anton places herself in the Victoria Beckham camp of subtle coordination.

“You won’t ever find us dressing like the von Trapp family,” she shudders.

Seal & Heidi: Do We Care?

2012-01-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

Seal and HeidiDiscord: Do We Care?

Six years ago, we watched as two seeming opposites fell inlove, got married, had children, and ceremoniously and ostentatiously renewedtheir marital vows each year—with their kids in tow! Could you hear the communal sigh, as people wished that they,too, could enjoy such romance? Butnow there’s trouble in paradise. Dowe care? Believe it or not, thiscouple’s marital discord does affect us!

As a culture without a royal pecking order, we have become celebrityrubberneckers. Celebs are our royalty, and we look to them for templates ofwhat we want and what we want to avoid.

Now we see that this celebrity couple is just like us. In full view, we’ll watch as they discover thatCinderella’s castle is cracked. Ihope they’ll learn that cracks let in the light, our only source of growth.

Anyone can divorce—and 50% of our population does. But the true test is to ride the tide,and smooth the kinks that accompany life. We will see whether Seal and Heidi have that kind of wherewithal, but meanwhile, we’ll be comparing their circumstances to ours.

Happiness is easy in good times. But it’s the rough ones that prove our true commitment.

Dr. Oz + Evamor Press Event

2012-01-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

Last night, in the gorgeous, crisp New York air, we overlooked the beautifully lit city on the 44th Floor of the Hearst Tower in an elegant suite. Waiters were serving delicious water with a healthful PH of 8.8, along with assorted delicacies.

We were at a celebration to announce the launch of Evamor Alkaline Water's Official Sponsorship of HealthCorps, Dr. Mehmet Oz's organization that penetrates inner city schools across the country to alter the way teens eat. Since Evamor is located in Louisiana, I met many people with those Southern drawls I love. When one of the men said I was "perrty," we Northerners laughed. We collected and distributed so many business cards that when I returned home, I found that I had none left!

I had invited some of my friends, including Megan Alexander, correspondent for Inside Edition, Vanessa Tyler, news anchor for WPIX and FiOS, my new editor at Today.com, Vidya Rao, and my Creative Director, Lawrence Pitonza. I don't know where our photos with Dr. Oz will show up, but it was great meeting people who feel as strongly about this worthy cause as I do. I look forward to combining our efforts.

After the event, Glenn Morris, a principal of Evamor, took me to eat at one of the city's best restaurants, LINCOLN, at Lincoln Center. Glenn's not only a scientist, but also an explorer. He came upon this magnificent eatery the night before, when he took in a couple of acts of Tosca (while I had to attend to a conference call.) What scrumptious food! Especially thrilling was the licorice ice cream. We almost slid under the table in delight!

As we exited the posh restaurant, Lincoln Center's fountains were spurting and flowing on one of the most beautiful nights New York has ever seen. We were the only ones in this mass space, since the opera was still going on. Glenn was appropriately cold, since he's from Mississippi, but I was toasty warm under a sweeping winter wrap. We both agreed that it was a deluxe night.

Watch for great things to come from HealthCorps and Evamor! I will definitely be in touch with all the wonderful people I met at this event.

CELEBRITY STORIES OF THE WEEK

2012-01-15T12:40:00.000-08:00

CELEBRITY STORIES OF THE WEEK

www.Celebzter.com

Dr. Gilda gives her take on two of the biggest showbiz stories this week.

Dr. Gilda Carle, Relationship Expert to the Stars, has penned two letters with her advice for Khloe Kardashian and Heather Locklear.

She certainly has not only an interesting slant, but also some pearls of wisdom for both of these women, who have had quite a difficult week.

What is Heather’s Problem?

Dr. Gilda Carle

Relationship Expert to the Stars

As the public wonders whether Heather Locklear’s broken engagement to Jack Wagner is to blame for her alleged overdosing on prescription drugs, I have a different take on this issue. I believe that no one can push us over the edge if we aren’t already on the rim. Substance abuse is a Band-Aid some people think will dull their pain. But using substances is not at the heart of the problem; it goes much deeper.

Years ago, while writing an article on celebrity successes, I interviewed Heather. She was open, grounded, and together. So what might have happened between that time and today? No doubt, the superficial Hollywood life can take a toll. In a culture of inflated boobs and egos and masks of every kind, many stars I counsel have lost their value for what is important. And when all that’s important is being the star, what happens to those growing older, whose radiance begins to dim? I think this is Heather’s issue now. And all the rehab in the world will not help this gorgeous woman until she comes to grips with values that really count. Accepting change gracefully is a lesson we all must learn.

Khloe, Who’s Your Daddy?

Dr. Gilda Carle

Relationship Expert to the Stars

What devastating news it is for anyone to discover the man she thought was her father is not! Whether this is the truth, it has to be unnerving for 27-year-old Khloe Kardashian to now have to deal with such an identity issue. Frankly, do you or I care who sired this girl?

Many people are turned off by all the press the Kardashians have garnered, and consequently, this family’s ratings are plummeting. But let’s not also cripple an innocent girl’s self-image while we shut out her family!

Speak to Dr. Gilda here.

New Year, New Life!

2012-01-12T09:20:00.000-08:00

Hi!

Happy, Heavenly, and Healthy New Year to you! May this year bring you everything you want, but also what you haven't even yet thought to want!

I started the new year as a new life. See my latest TV appearance on Leah Guy's new show, Who's On Deck, distributed around the country: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KldzeUzBCBQ

I was scheduled to be in LA at this time developing my new TV show. But an ankle injury from an auto accident needs to be addressed, and I have to remain in NY for another month. Meanwhile, my team in LA are working hard in my absence.

But I must share with you that God's timing is always perfect. BECAUSE I was in NY, I was able to attend many meetings and events that I would have missed had I been in LA. And I believe that several of these may change my life! I'll fill you in on what's going on as soon as things develop further...

Whenever plans go awry, I first say, "Bummer!" But I always follow that word with the question, "What am I supposed to learn from the new situation?" The answer is always, "PLENTY!"

Have you had some course changes that ultimately altered your life for the better? I'd love to hear about them!!

Happy, Heavenly, and Healthy New Life!
Love,
Dr. Gilda
www.DrGilda.com

Dr. Gilda's Verdict on JLo & Marc

2012-01-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

Dr. Gilda gives her verdict on Jennifer and Marc’s bizarre behavior

www.Celebzter.com

Dr. Gilda, The World’s Most Famous Relationship Expert, writes:

JLo and Marc Are STILL Connected!

Dr. Gilda Carle

Have you seen JLo’s relationship with a 24-year-old boy toy, and now her ex Marc’s relationship with a 24-year-old model? Isn’t the number “24” a bit too coincidental? It seems that these 40-something parents have turned their once-contentious marriage into a competition for who can get the hotter and younger partner. Of course, as adults, they can do whatever they like. But their children are unconsciously learning the lesson that the role of parents is to compete with one another. The irony of it all is that the more each tries to outdo the other, the more this couple is really staying connected! Who do they think they’re fooling?

I think parenthood should require a license that demands courses in child development and self-esteem. What do you think?

Love,
Dr. Gilda
Relationship Expert to the Stars
www.DrGilda.com

Abused Boyfriend

2012-01-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

Abused Boyfriend

Dr.Gilda Carle

www.DrGilda.com

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine  

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396

This single dad wonders whichdecision he might regret more: getting a tattoo of his girlfriend's name toappease her — or refusing, and letting her walk out of his life. Here's my takeon it.

Dear Dr. Gilda,

I have been in an eight-year relationship and it isverbally abusive. I am a single dad with two kids. In front of my kids, shecalls me "stupid" and "idiot." Now she tells me if I don'tget a tattoo with her name on it, she will leave me and move out. I know Ishouldn't get the tattoo, but I know I will miss her if she leaves. Please helpme!

– Unhappy, But...

Dear Unhappy,

What's the "But..." about in your sign-off? Isit that you're "Unhappy," but not unhappy enough to leave? Is it that you're"Unhappy," but not unhappy enough to be alone? Is it thatyou're "Unhappy," but not unhappy enough to tell your girlfriend thather name-calling, particularly in front of your kids, is off limits? This ishow life works: We only remain in relationships in which we're deriving rewards.Every one of our life experiences provides us with a payoff of some kind.Sometimes these payoffs are pleasurable, and sometimes they're painful.Overall, people stay in painful situations because they fear being in asituation without any payoffs at all. This is probably what you're experiencingnow.

Your girlfriend doesn't treat you well and now she'strying to bully you into getting a tattoo inscribed with her name, which yousay you don't want. This tattoo may be her way of branding you as her property.So what's the payoff for you? See if any of these possibilities ring true:

1. You grew up in a household where your mom or anotherfemale figure was bossy, domineering, and abusive in some way, so therelationship you're in now feels like "home."

2. You learned that being without a love interest makes youfeel lonely, so you've decided to settle for a bad relationship instead ofhaving no love at all.

3. You've gotten so accustomed to having this woman aroundthat she's become like an old shoe that's already broken in. You fear . . .

Continuereading at

http://tinyurl.com/777zryy

XXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is theinternationally known Relationship Expert to the Stars. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA”advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professorof psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,”a test question on “Jeopardy,” NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptionsfor Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats,and many more. Shewas the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas,"featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that hismom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA isthe Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide toDating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developingher own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her InstantAdvice!

HEF & EX BATTLE OVER CUSTODY OF DOG!

2011-12-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

Hugh Hefner & Ex-Fiancee Fight

for Custody of Dog!

PLEASE!

When a couple battles over custody of apet, it’s just another ploy to keep the pair together. AFTER6 MONTHS (!), someone in this mix is having separation anxiety overpermanently parting. I doubt if it’sHef’s 25-year-old ex!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

BREATHE EASY

2011-12-26T08:31:00.000-08:00

BREATHE EASY

Creating healthier environments with plants

Chris Karl

I recently met with an architect who designs healthcare facilities. He ranted about how he absolutely detests the use of live plants in the properties he designs. "I don't like that I can't control the life cycle of the plant and how it continually changes its look," he said with obvious disdain. I believe this obviously sedentary and obese architect has become, like many people in this country, so far removed from nature and healthy living that he has forgotten the benefits of greenery.

Green is good. More and more companies today are reducing or eliminating plants in the workplace to save money. They fail to realize, however, that this cost-cutting measure is short-term thinking that will compromise their employees' well-being. A growing body of research demonstrates that access to a natural environment indoors, where we all spend the majority of our waking hours, may improve health and well-being.

Being around plants reduces stress and engenders a feeling of well-being and improved energy in most people —a benefit that is even more acute if correct lighting is in place. Because plants have a large surface area and exchange water and gases with their surroundings, they have a unique ability to tackle and improve many environmental problems.

"A pleasing and positive workplace that is presented as a spiritually satisfying sanctuary with natural light and greenery is enormously beneficial for a person's well-being," said Dr. Gilda Carle (www.DrGilda.com), psychotherapist, author and professor. "Being able to access and enjoy surroundings that reduce stress and engage the senses is highly therapeutic for people."

Here are my selections for the top five plants, which not only heighten and satisfy our senses with their funky and trendy style, but also help to keep our workplace environments happier and healthier:

1. Ficus Pandurata. The Ficus Pandurata or fiddleleaf fig grows best in a high to medium-high light environment and is an interesting variation on the standard, well-known Ficus Elastica rubber plant. The large leaves can add a striking accent to the home or office.

2. Polyscias fabian. A native of Brazil, polyscias or geranium-leaf aralia or arilia fabian is an evergreen shrub or small tree with a compact habit. While it is widely used as hedges in the tropics, in the United States we use it as a beautiful, eco-friendly border as well as a captivating stand-alone "look at me" tree.

3. Dracaena Janet Craig Compacta Dracaena is a genus of 40 species of subtropical, evergreen, woody plants grown for their statuesque form and ornamental foliage. They are sometimes mistakenly identified as palms but are actually more closely related to lilies. The name Dracaena is derived from the Greek word "drakaina," a female dragon. The link between plant and beast is the resinous red gum produced when the stem is cut, which, when thickened, is supposed to resemble dragon's blood. It is used as a varnish and in photo engraving.

4. Philodendron Red Congo. Red Congo is a new and distinct cultivar of philodendron. It is a product of the cross between Philodendron 'Imperial Red' as the female parent and an unidentified cultivar of the Philodendron tatei. This plant grows vigorously in an upright but spreading or open manner. New Red Congo leaves are brownish maroon to almost red in color while the large mature ones are dark green in color with a touch of red.

5. Dracaena Marginita Character. Originally from Madagascar, Dracaena are known for their visually arresting ornamental foliage. An increasingly popular indoor plant in the modern workplace, the plant, which can grow up to 15 feet in height, is supported by an aged and knobby trunk which gives it a unique character.

Big impact. It isn't necessary to fill every available space with a plant to achieve a healthful atmosphere; just a few good-quality specimens located in select rooms, and where employees work or take their rest breaks, can be sufficient.

"The reasons why this has a beneficial effect are a subtle but complex mixture of the physiological (improved humidity, reduced noise, etc.) and psychological," said Kenneth Freeman, international technical director at Ambius who has led many research initiatives on the benefits of plants in the workplace. "Being around plants certainly seems to reduce stress and engender a feeling of well-being in most people, a benefit that is even more acute if correct lighting is in place. The fact that a workplace has been prepared to spend money on something that has no obvious function than to make the environment more attractive may also be a contributing factor, by sending a signal to staff that management cares about its employees and visitors.

"There is now general agreement within the scientific community that plants improve the indoor environment, and are useful weapons in the fight against the modern phenomenon known as sick building syndrome (SBS)," continued Freeman. "No specific cause of SBS has been identified, but poor air quality, excessive background noise and inadequate temperature and light control are thought to be important factors. Because plants have a large surface area and exchange water and gases with their surroundings, they have a unique ability to tackle many environmental problems."

In particular, plants can reduce levels of carbon dioxide, which can accumulate in buildings from the breathing of its occupants and the by-products of heating systems and electrical equipment. Plants also increase the relative humidity, which should be between 40-60 percent relative humidity for maximum human comfort. Plants reduce levels of certain pollutant gases, such as formaldehyde, benzene and nitrogen dioxide as well as airborne dust levels. Plants also reduce air temperatures and background noise levels.

Chris Karl is a design specialist for Ambius, a division of Rentokil Initial, which offers services to enhance the interior space for commercial industries.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

2011-12-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

May this holy day of Christ's birth bless you with peace, love, health, energy, and happiness. The greatest wealth we have is within us. All we must do is love ourselves enough to access it.
God Bless You,
Dr. Gilda
www.DrGilda.com

HOW CAN I MAKE HIM FORGIVE ME??

2011-12-16T12:50:00.001-08:00

ASK DR. GILDA

How Can I Make Him ForgiveMe?

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

www.DrGilda.com

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine  

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396

Dear Dr. Gilda,

My husband left me three months ago. We were married fora year and a half. The night he moved out he was really angry and told methings that I did not even know he was feeling until then, like that he was nothappy with the relationship because I'm very pushy at times, controlling, argumentative, I didn't appreciate him enough, and thatour wants and needs were too different to stay together.

Since then, I've realized that everything he said was true.I love him so much and am willing to change so we can make things work. Afterthree months, we still call and text each other frequently, see each otherweekends, and he still hasn't told his out-of-state family that we are nolonger together. I told him that I am changing to be a better person andwilling to fight for our relationship; when asked, he says that he still hasfeelings for me, but he does not want to get back together because he stronglybelieves that we are better off as friends and getting married was a mistake.

Please give me some advice on how to make my ex forgiveme and end this separation before he files for divorce and it's over for good!

SuddenlySeeing the Light

Dear Suddenly Seeing the Light,

What "light" are you actually seeing, honey?The "light" of your husband's criticism? The "light" ofsudden solitude? The "light" of asking for forgiveness for beingyourself? Your husband knew what your personality was like when he married you.And he still admits that he has feelings for you, despite your being"pushy," "controlling," and "argumentative." Sowhat's this really about?

You are facilitating Hubby's one-foot-in, one-foot-outstance. You "still call and text each other frequently, see each otherweekends, and he still hasn't told his out-of-state family that [you] are nolonger together"— despite his insistence that your marriage was a mistake.So what's wrong with you, Suddenly? This in-and-out shuffling is perpetuatingyour pain. Either get professional help to fix what's broken or end your miseryby divorcing. I assume you're intimate when you see each other on weekends. Yethe has made it clear that "he does not want to get back together..."What about that statement don't you understand? Why are you staying whereyou're not wanted?

Darling, you've conceded that "everything"Hubby criticized about you "is true." Everything? Are yousure? Twisting yourself into a pretzel to win his love will only makeyou unrecognizable to yourself. And even then, there's noguarantee your spouse will be happy with what you become. Examine closely whathe really wants from you now. If he didn't feel appreciated while you weretogether, I'm sure he's feeling mighty now that you're begging him to return.Do you want a marriage based on the constant pressure to prove your love?When will you see how exhausting all this jockeying is? If an adjustment inyour behavior really needs to be made, get counseling to guide you in making aproductive self-change.

It takes two people to make or break a relationship. Idon't like that you beg for forgiveness while Hubby exits with barbs. Ask thesequestions:

1. What role did EACH OF US play in our marital demise?

2. If we're still good communicators with feelings for eachother, why aren't we seeking help to right our marital wrongs?

3. Where does my husband see the future going with ouralleged "friendship?"

4. Would I be okay with the status quo if our separationcontinued indefinitely?

5. How would I handle my husband telling me he's foundsomeone new?

Currently, there is no discussion of what derailed yourmarriage, there is no acknowledgment of your husband's role in it, and there isno plan for your own self-improvement. Marital repair is never a one-sided job.Then again, Hubby isn't interested in repairing it, anyway! So, decide whyyou're willing to remain in limbo.

This is what you must do:

1. Run — don't walk — to a therapist. You definitely needto find clarity.

2. As my Gilda-Gram advises, "Abandon your heroworship for your husband. Even heroes get warts."

3. Remember that you survived without this man before youmet him, and you are capable of honoring your independence now.

No person should change just because someone tells her she needsto. Identify the behaviors that serve you and those that don't. Then, decidewhat YOU want in life. You may actually conclude that — shock of all shocks —YOU don't want him, either! Self-revelation opens eyes to enormouspossibilities. Do the introspective work now so you can attract a man whoadores you for exactly who you are.

Love,

Dr.Gilda

XXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) isan internationally known psychotherapist, relationship expert, and productspokesperson. She is Match.com’s“ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country MusicDoctor, with her “CountryCures.” She is a motivationalspeaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of thewell-known “Don’t Beton the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” NOW IN ITS SECONDEDITION, 99 Prescriptionsfor Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats,and many more. Shewas the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas,"featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that hismom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA isthe Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide toDating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developingher own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get herInstant Advice!

HAVE SEX, BURN CALORIES!

2011-12-09T17:54:00.001-08:00

Hi, All,
I'm quoted in a fun piece called "Sexy Ways to Burn Calories" -- http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/InsidePage.php?id=2000048085&cid=300

Kissing burns 68 calories per hr. MWAH!
Massaging burns 80 + calories per hr. YUM!!
Sex burns 144+ calories per half hr. WAY TO GO!!

PLEASE let me know what you think after you read the piece.
Love,
Dr. Gilda
www.DrGilda.com

MY HUSBAND WON'T INITIATE SEX

2011-12-05T10:48:00.001-08:00

LOVE DILEMMA:

MY HUSBAND WON'T INITIATE SEX

TODAY.com

Love dilemmas abound, and here, in ourlatest installment of a weekly advice column, a TODAY.com panel answers aquestion from a reader dealing with a frustrating relationship issue.

First, let’s introduce our panelists:

Thewise grandma: Kitty Schindler
At age 87, retired nurse Kitty Schindler is TODAY.com’soldest regular contributor. One of 10 children raised by a Pennsylvania coalminer during the Depression, she offers advice from the perspective of asuccessful long-term relationship — a 61-year marriage.

Therelationship expert: Dr. Gilda Carle
Dr. Gilda Carleat is an internationally known psychotherapist and relationship expert. She isMatch.com’s “Ask Dr. Gilda” advice columnist. She is also author of 15 books,including "Don't Bet on the Prince!"

Thesex therapist: Ian Kerner

IanKerner, Ph.D, is a renowned sex therapist and author of "SheComes First" and "Love in the Time of Colic." Ian's journey tocounseling grew out of his own personal battle with sexual dysfunction and hisdesire to help others.

Q:My issue is that my husband of four years does not initiatesex — never has. I am 39 and he is 35. This is a not a recent problem. I havealways had issues with this. I know that he satisfies himself quite often, aswe have had that discussion several times. I have talked with him multipletimes about how it makes me feel. It's now been 14 months since we had sex andI am almost at the breaking point. I still love him as I did when we weremarried, but emotionally I am lost.

Sexlessand Stumped

Kittysays: Married four years and your sex life is zero! But why areyou surprised, when you say your husband's very low sexual interest has been afactor from day one? It's time to face the fact that you want sex with him andhe doesn't want it with you. And it's also high time to see a therapist — butonly if your husband participates.

You may love each other, but marriageshould be more than friendship. You guys need help now. This is a real problem,despite what he says.

Dr.Gilda says: Long ago, the way in which you set upyour relationship placed you as the aggressor. This has always supported yourparticular brand of love. However, suddenly you are annoyed that your husbanddoesn’t take a more aggressive lead. Why? Are you feeling insecure about yourrelationship? When did this start? I think it has to do with your discoverythat your husband does initiate sexafter all, but it’s with himself. And you insist this initiation be with you.

You’re so angry about what he’s doingduring his alone time that you’ve withdrawn altogether from sex. You can’tcontrol hubby’s masturbation habits any more than you can control his bathroomhabits. Get over it! Instead, encourage your husband to experiment with newmoves, and to bring them to bed with you. Also include his self-pleasuring inyour sexual excitement. This is a way for your routine roles to change, and foryou to find some turn-ons you never knew before!

Iansays: In my opinion low male desire is a silent epidemic thatrarely gets talked about. Men actually grapple with decreased sexual desirejust as much as women, if not more. Those stereotypes about guys and theirraging libidos are just that — stereotypes. If you're a woman with a healthysex drive, it can be beyond frustrating to have a male partner who's less than enthusiasticabout getting it on. Since you’re already talking about the issue, why don’tyou ask him to take a porn break? That might give his libido a neededjump-start and allow him to direct his erotic energy towards you. Of course,you could always ask him to give you a guided tour of his favorite porn sites.Why not turn his self-pleasuring into some mutual pleasuring?

Please don’t give up. I know it’s easyto feel rejected, but right now you’re motivation to change the situation isthe most powerful factor in actually changing it.

Do you agree with the panelists'advice? Do you have your own? Share it in the comments below.

Wantthe TODAY.com panel to answer your relationship questions? Click here to sendthem in!

CAN SENIORS FIND LOVE?

2011-12-04T09:19:00.001-08:00

CAN SENIORS FIND LOVE?

An “ASK DR. GILDA” Column

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

www.DrGilda.com

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine  

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396

Seniors keep asking whether it's too late for them to find love. I say, "Are you kidding? You've got all the time in the world--until rigor mortis sets in!" OK, so how should they go about the hunt?? And is the pursuit of romance any different for seniors than it is for the rest of us?

DearDr. Gilda,

Asa widower, I thought I wouldn’t have much use for a dating site, but my kidshave finally convinced me to try online dating. Yet, after looking at a fewsites, it seems that all of them have similar styles and don’t show thedetailed information a man my age would care about. I’m 69 now and frankly, I’mlonely and the biography of the person is more important than the picture,although I would like to see both. In fact, I can find nothing that givesdetailed information about a person’s goals in her senior years. Importantinformation concerning how and if the woman wants to live with her chosen manare left out to make room for a bunch of boxes to check that have no meaning tome. Who cares about swimming? I’m too old to do anything but laugh at the sectionsabout kids and sports and whatnot. To be honest, I don’t even care about sex.The most important thing to me is companionship and sharing my later years witha loving friend. How does a man my age find like-minded women without wastingtime on these questions that don’t apply to seniors? Or is there a good seniordating site out there I don’t know about? Thank you.

Leonard, Lost

DearLost Leonard,

Yourquestion stomps its foot and screams, “I’m lonely and I want to skip thegetting-to-know-you formalities and find a woman TO LIVE WITH ME NOW!” Hey,Lost Leonard: quick rushes reflect a sense of desperation and worthy women wantto feel special. By not vetting a partner properly, you could end up withsomeone who would cause you heartache. If you think you’re lonely now, yourmisery will expand tenfold with a terrible romantic mismatch!

Iwonder if the reason you say you’re “Lost” is because you’re depressed withoutyour wife. Depressed people are depressing people to be around.Perhaps you’d benefit from counseling to change your “Lost” mindset to one thatis “Found” — and, incidentally, far more attractive to the opposite sex.

Datinginvolves meeting and greeting potential long-term mates. I’m sorry that you’llhave to put yourself out there that way, but it seems your only concern is yourneed for a quick love fix, even if it’s just friendship. You’ve got to show awoman you care about her and her interests.

Soyou actually need those (seemingly meaningless) “bunch of boxes” on the datingprofiles you detest. They categorize people so you can find a partner whoshares your favorite pastimes and outlook on life. While you might not enjoyswimming, someone else who does would appreciate knowing this information inadvance. What do you think the “companionship” you’re seeking is based on? It’smutual interests, Lost Leonard — mutual interests that you can bothenjoy together! The “bunch of boxes” to which you object is where singlesindicate these interests — and it would be a good idea for you to explore them.

Andyou don’t need a woman’s entire detailed biography to identify interestingpartners. Online, singles offer generalities to eliminate security concerns andalso to optimize the potential for dating adventure. Yes, dating IS an adventurewhere you can explore many possibilities, share your lifestyle preferences andjudge who fits you best romantically.

Thisis what I recommend you do now:

•. Define what YOU consider to be good “companionship” activities.Is it playing cards together, going to movies, taking walks, traveling, orwhat? Describe these activities in your profile.

•. Consider the meaning of the word “fun” and make it part of your entireattitude.

•. Post your profile on a large and popular dating site that offersplenty of different women to choose from while you’re looking for possiblematches.

•. Fill in those categorical boxes you hate knowing they are meantto assist you in finding not just any person, but the RIGHT person foryou.

•. Steer clear of telling women what you don’t like,regardless of whether it’s swimming or sex. Negativity is a turn-off to seniorsanxious to optimize their golden years. Instead, enumerate what you DO enjoy soyou can attract like-minded ladies.

Thedating interests seniors have may be different from those of younger people,obviously. But the key to any successful romance lies in using a great deal ofscrutiny during the selection process. As my Gilda-Gram advises, “Don’t pursuehappiness. LIVE IT!” What you project, your dates will reflect. Bediscriminating at the start and wisely select the RIGHT partner for you. That’sthe fun of dating!

Love,

Dr. Gilda

XXX

PASSION CAN LAST

2011-11-30T15:42:00.001-08:00

PASSION CAN LAST:

NEW FINDINGS

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

http://www.DrGilda.com

The heat doesn't always cool down with time. Here's how to keep things sizzling!

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396

Carlo was an attractive man who had been married for 20years. His kids were out of the house, so he could no longer use them as anexcuse for remaining in his unhappy marriage. He forever complained that hiswife was a hopeless bore, but he stayed — and had affairs. I asked him,"If you're so miserable, why don't you get divorced and marry the mistress you've had for the last eight years?" His responsewas not surprising: "Dr. Gilda, I know that if I married my mistress,she'd turn into another dull wife; our sneaking around keeps our passiongoing." I agreed that many people have illicit affairs and they remainmarried. Despite the obvious reasons for keeping a marriage intact, I wonderedwhy people really continue to stay.

Helen Fisher's groundbreaking book, Anatomy of Love,was published in 1992. It taught us that romantic love can only last from 18months to three years, at best. From the time her book came out, I've quotedthese findings in my writing, my speeches, and my media appearances. Butrecently, I interviewed the author for another article I was doing. In ourdiscussion, I recounted the 18-month to three-year limit she placed on romanticlove. What a shock to hear her excitedly describe her latest findings thatrefute her former research!

The link between love and addiction

Fisher's team from the Department of Anthropology at theRutgers Center for Human Evolutionary Studies scanned images of the brains ofyoung couples who were madly in love and had been together for six months.Since more than 100,000 chemical brain reactions fire up each second, the groupsought to determine how lovers' brains reacted to seeing a photo of theirbeloved compared to one of a stranger. In fact, the lovers' brains showedactivity in the same region as the brains of people who were using addictivedrugs, so the team likened romantic love to an addiction. Moreover, thisaddictive brain activity matched that of someone who had been dumped. So thiswould explain a rejected party going haywire in attempts to regain a lost love.

How long-term relationships affect brainchemistry

OK, so these were findings for the young loversstudied. Next, the researchers examined the brain activity for couples aged 40to 65 who had been married for at least 20 years and were still wild about eachother. After viewing their spouse's photo, each older person's brainshowed vibrancy in the same region as the younger subjects had in the previousstudy. In addition, there were increased levels of the chemicals serotonin andvasopressin present. (Serotonin maintains happiness and serenity, andvasopressin affects monogamy.) So the major difference between the young loversand the older ones was that the regions of the older subjects' brainsassociated with love anxiety were no longer active! The passion was stillthere, but accompanying that now was a sense of calm. The researchers concludedthat when the obsessive suspense of new infatuation is removed, couples cancontinue to enjoy passion, alongside the vital ingredient of trust. Fisher'sfindings suggest that true, dependable love can last forever — but shewarns that people must first select the right partner.

Preserving "positiveillusions" about your partner

So is the habitual cheater, Carlo, correct in predictinga future of boredom with a new, different wife? Fisher cites researchpublished in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology conductedby psychologist Marcel Zentner at the University of Geneva in Switzerland, whofound that there is only one personality trait that will lead to a couple beingable to enjoy the kind of sustained romance that Fisher's team observed: theability to enjoy "positive illusions" about each other. Certainly,we've all heard long-married people characterize each other in such glowingterms that we wonder whom they're describing; this is the "loveblindness" Zentner mentions in his study. Fisher deems this condition tobe a gift from nature that enables partners to ride the waves of relationshipcrises together. Clearly Carlo lacks that "love blindness" in his ownmarriage, since he perceives his wife to beunappealing, boring and dull. On the other hand, my friend Bobbi describes herhusband of 14 years this way: "Everything about him as a man excites me."To outside observers, Bobbi's husband drips food from his mouth when he eats,is 40 pounds overweight and he's often been let go from jobs because of histemper… but none of these traits faze Bobbi. After several years together, thecouple's shelf life remains solid.

How to choose the right partner foryou...

CLICK:

http://tinyurl.com/8xgh2pc

XXX

IS JLO MOVING TOO FAST?

2011-11-29T10:01:00.001-08:00

Jennifer cozies up to new love Casper in Hawaii, but is she moving too fast?

www.Celebzter.com

Her marriage to Marc Anthony only ended in July, and she's already flaunting her new relationship with a much younger man.

After weeks of whispers that she was dating dancer Casper Smart,
Jennifer Lopez's public display of affection this past weekend in
Hawaii confirmed that, indeed, they were a couple. But at 42, we had to wonder if Jennifer is rushing into romance with the 24-year-old.

Here, Dr. Gilda Carle, The World's Most Famous Relationship Expert, gives her verdict. She writes.....

IS JLO MOVING TOO FAST?

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

As Neil Sedaka sang, “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.” Isn’t it ever!!
But finding a quick replacement for a lost love is never the way to
go. J-Lo went from a substantial marriage and family with Marc
Anthony to a new boy-toy--in less than a nanosecond!

So what can this couple imagine their future will be? It matters less that she’s 42 and her “man-child” is 24. It matters less that she’s the predominant wage earner and he must take orders from her. Sure, these could become deterrents if the two of them were trying to walk into a real future. But for now, JLo’s need is apparently for a sexy place-holder and loneliness buffer. Unfortunately, founded on such neediness, these traits dull after a while.

What most concerns me is that JLo did not take the needed time to
examine what went wrong in her marriage, and what changes she must make to be a better partner in the future. Jumping from one
relationship to another is not a healthy relationship tactic. She
needs to give herself time—and that means being alone.

Some people fear being alone, so they end up playing a game of musical beds, always unhappy, and always looking for MORE. MORE is never OUT THERE; MORE comes from within ourselves. But we must remain quiet after a breakup to figure out how to find it. There’s no getting around us all having to do this work. If JLo wants to provide a positive role model for her kids, and develop into better partnership material for the next time around, this is the only way. Otherwise, she will continue to seek one replacement after another, until the options begin to dry up.

To read more of Dr. Gilda's thoughts, click http://drgilda.com/

AFTER INFIDELITY

2011-11-29T07:24:00.001-08:00

After infidelity:

How to move forward when a partner cheats

By Jessica Padykula

CanadianLiving.com

Not a week goes by without a celebrity cheating scandal being splashed across tabloid magazines at our local grocery stores. They’re gripping to read about, but what happens when it’s your relationship that’s embroiled in an affair?

On top of the utter devastation infidelity causes, there are feelings of hurt, confusion and betrayal to contend with. On top of that, there are also many heart-wrenching decisions to make about the future of your relationship -- from ending things to seeking counselling to taking a time out.

We asked Dr. Gilda Carle, relationship expert and author of Don’t Bet on the Prince: How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself (www.DrGilda.com), about the course of action you should take when your partner strays. She maintains that cheating may actually have a silver lining: “Cheating can sometimes be the best thing to happen to a shaky relationship because it means that a couple will finally be forced to decide either to mend their love -- or end their love.” Carle offers some more insight into how to handle a cheating partner and how to move forward in a way that works for you.

1. Why do people cheat?

People cheat for a variety of reasons -- it simply depends on the person and the couple. Some of the most common reasons a person becomes unfaithful are:

• They feel disconnected from their partner on an emotional and physical level.
• There’s little to no physical or emotional intimacy.
• They are angry with their spouse and don’t know how else to deal with it.
• Their sex life has become non-existent.
• They are bored.
• They are looking for positive attention that they don’t feel they’re getting from their spouse.

Regardless of the reason behind the infidelity, one thing is certain: Cheating means your relationship is in need of serious repair. No matter why someone strays, cheating has a big impact on a relationship. “Infidelity affects a relationship because the person you’re supposed to be giving your attention to is missing out on that intimacy,” Carle explains. “No relationship can survive without intimacy.”

2. What action should you take if your partner cheats?
You may be tempted to lash out in a rage upon discovering infidelity -- which is understandable -- but there is a better way to handle things, says Carle. “If you discover your partner has cheated, neither hold in your emotions nor create drama,” says Carle.

After you make the discovery, you need some time to process the information, so confide in a trusted friend or family member. She suggests finding a quiet, neutral spot outside of your home and talking about what is really happening in the relationship. Beyond that, you might want to seek professional advice before you engage in a conversation with your spouse.

Sometimes, infidelity can cause a couple to examine the flaws that already existed in the relationship prior to the infidelity. Doing so can spur a couple to be proactive when it comes to their relationship, says Carle. “At that point they can decide whether to end the marriage or mend it,” she says. “My best tip for how to deal with infidelity is to recognize whether your relationship should be salvaged.”

To make the decision less stressful, write down on a piece of paper what you truly have going for each other. If the list is short, that will suggest you have little in common anymore. But if it’s long, you may decide to repair your problems.

3. How do you repair the relationship and move forward?
If you decide that you want to forgive your partner and stay together, both parties have to equally want to make some changes for the sake of their union, says Carle. If it boils down to just pointing fingers rather than taking responsibility, a couple will not survive.

“It is wrong to solely blame and accuse your spouse of wrongdoing. Instead, understand that you are part of the equation," she says. Owning up to your share of the burden takes courage and guts, but it can go a long way in rebuilding your relationship.

Getting back on solid ground after someone cheats requires hard work and the rebuilding of trust, Carle explains. “Being open and honest is the only thing that can bring back trust,” she says. “Trust takes a long time to build, and when it’s broken, only honesty and openness will get it back.”

Even then, repairing your relationship will take time and it is a good idea to work with a counsellor for guidance. The counsellor will steer you away from the secrecy that has derailed the relationship and toward more open communication.

Infidelity will always wreak havoc on a relationship. But by being honest with yourself and with your partner you may be able to find a solution that works -- whether it’s moving on or moving forward together.

ATTRACT WHAT YOU WANT!

2011-11-25T03:57:00.001-08:00

THE IMAGE YOU PROJECT

ATTRACTS WHAT YOU GET

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

www.DrGilda.com

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine  

DearDr. Gilda,

Iam a single mom in her 50s with a teenage son spending half the time with me,mostly summers and holidays. Reading men’s profiles, it seems I have more thanone challenge to overcome; that is, my age, my status as a single mom, and thefact that I’m looking for someone to share my life with that’d be okay with thefact that I can’t have more children. I have tried several dating services andmet a few men, but there was no chemistry. I am attractive and look muchyounger than my age, I’m educated, professional, and independent with variedinterests. I want someone who is like-minded and wants to settle down (and Isay that in my profile — is that a turn-off?). Also, I have posted pictures ofmyself with my son at events — do you think these men are threatened by theidea of having to help parent a teenage boy? I’d rather use my profile to talkabout myself and not my part-time custody arrangement in detail, but he is inmy life and I’d rather that not be a surprise, either, since I’m looking tomarry again. Any advice you can give me is much appreciated.

Remarriage-Ready Rita

DearRemarriage-Ready Rita,

Ifyou believe that raising a teenage son part of the time is a “challenge,”that’s exactly the vibe you will transmit to your dates. No man with all of hisfaculties wants a woman with burdens attached. Adjust your negative mindset andproject the picture of a life that you are managing and enjoying to potentialsuitors. Since you can’t fake the feeling of being in control, get the help ofa therapist to plot your path to positivity.

Thenext “challenge” you believe you’re up against is your age. According to you,people 50 and older are all dried up, unappealing and unmatchable. So why don’twe just annihilate that sector of the population? And while we’re at it, wecould also throw in extra points for knocking off single moms in that agecategory. Finally, the fact that you can’t have children any longer should putyour entire existence out to pasture! Do you hear how foolish this all sounds?You say, “I am attractive and look much younger than my age, am educated, professional,and independent with varied interests.” Oh, really? Unfortunately, theone trait overshadowing all the others is your awful lack of dating self-worth.If you don’t feel worthy of a guy’s effort, no guy will make the effort.Girl, get ahold of your shattered self-esteem at once!

Yousay you want to settle down and wonder if broadcasting that is a turn-off.Darling, you can’t think about permanence when your self-image is so shaky. Asmy Gilda-Gram says, “Healthy love first requires sturdy self-esteem.” So youhave homework to do now before considering building a future with anyman later.

Thisis what I believe would benefit you:

•. Avoid posting photos of you and your son on dating sites. Suchimages CAN be a cold shower to a prospective partner. A guy is not looking todate your son; he’s interested in dating YOU! Post only pictures of yourself.If a man wants to get to know you further, your son will eventually come withthe territory — later, after you and your date have established a meaningfulconnection on your own. Otherwise, it’s not fair to either your child or yourdate to force them into a trio when a romantic duo is what you desire.

•. Your thoughts jump directly to the idea of marriage withoutconsidering the intermediary steps required to get there. What’s the rush?S-l-o-w down! You have to get to know someone first, build a solid union,introduce your son into the mix, and then test how everyone gets along.

•. There is nothing wrong in telling a man you’d like to eventuallymarry again — but don’t share these intentions during your first communicationswith someone! Note the difference between “Hi, my name is Remarriage-ReadyRita” and “Hi, my name is Rita, and I’d like to learn what you’re about anddiscover what we have in common.” Which of these two statements do you thinkwould be more successful when introducing yourself to potential dates? Exactly.

Datingis a waterfall of droplets that seeks its rhythm and pace without intrusion. Ifyou let go, perhaps your 51st birthday present will arrive in the form of apartner worth keeping.

Love,

Dr. Gilda

Thanks for Giving Me So Much!

2011-11-24T11:39:00.001-08:00

Dear Friends & Fans,
Happy Thanksgiving! I am so grateful for so much--for the light I live in, for the friendships and love I continue to receive, and for all of you who think highly enough of me to ingest my words and send me your appreciation. May God Bless You even more than you've ever dreamed.

My angels and I return your love.
Gilda

"FIX" YOUR HONEY? DON'T EVEN TRY!!

2011-11-22T13:24:00.001-08:00

DO YOU TRY TO “FIX”YOUR HONEY?

Have you ever fallen inlove with someone's "potential," hoping to help this person? Itsounds noble, but here's why fixing attempts might do more harm than good.

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

www.DrGilda.com

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine  

When they met, Kara and Charlie were both unhappilymarried to other people. Charlie was the lightning bolt that sent Kara todivorce court, expecting her lover would follow. But now, seven years later,Charlie is wracked with guilt — and he's still waffling about leaving home,while Kara is merely his shoulder to cry on. Why hasn't he moved to permanentlycement their bond?

At a conference, Kara heard me say: "Don't try tofix someone without that person's consent." Deciding to examine herromance, Kara admitted that she had beentrying to "fix" Charlie. Now she wondered whether that's what she haddone with all the men she'd ever known, and whether that was the reason forevery breakup. She begged me for clarity.

My research finds that our genders vehemently disagreeon whom needs fixing and when. These are the 6 mate-fixing trends I uncovered:

1. At the beginning of a new relationship,a woman thinks that she should redesign her man.

Ted was out of the military for 10 years, but hecontinued to wear his hair cropped short. Every woman he knew asked him to growout his locks, but he stood his army ground… until he met her. Ted fellso deeply in love that he agreed to do what no other female could get him to doabout his hairstyle. Happily consenting to the makeover, he grew his hair outand was elated when his coworkers complimented his handsome new look. However,Ted's intimacy issues sent him fleeing from this love of his life. In an act ofdefiance against all women he thought might try to control him, he quickly cuthis hair back into military mode. Moral:The only male you should consider changing is the one you're diapering.

2. The redesign work a womanattempts may be interior or exterior in nature.

Kara placed demands on Charlie to stop smoking, dressbetter, eat healthier, and stop calling his mother so often. His wife at homeaccepted him for who he was, with all his flaws, and without pressuring him. Nowonder Charlie chose to stay married!

3. When a man finds a new love, hewants that woman to remain as she was when they met each other.

Men often tell me the woman they married has let herappearance go. Fred said that his wife had gained so much weight and had becomeso sloppy that he didn't want to have sex with her anymore. But since he stillloved her, Fred enrolled her in a fat farm. Rather than thanking him, however,she blew her stack for what she considered to be a demeaning act on Fred'spart.

4. A man may deliberately seek awoman he can fix, such as a damsel in financial distress or a lady who's beenemotionally hurt.

Enjoying the role of provider and protector, Johnimmediately elevated himself to the position of savior when he helped Melissaget out of bankruptcy. Melissa, in turn, showed John her love — until she gotback on her feet. Then, she began to perceive all the niceties she'd onceappreciated as "controlling behavior" instead. John was in shock whenshe suddenly exited their relationship. As my Gilda-Gram says: "Hear whenthe music changes, and adapt your dance steps." No relationship remains the same forever.

5. After a couple has been togetherfor a while, when a woman relays an issue she's having to her man, hetransforms into Mr. Fix-It and tells his lady what to do.

Marge was furious whenever her husband Mel tried to tellher how to solve each office problem she shared with him. Most women just wanttheir partner to lend an ear to listen to their troubles; they don’t want acontrolling hand!

6. If a long-term relationship hitsa speed bump, the woman believes it's her job to fix the problem herself or toenroll the pair in counseling.

Jane felt disrespected that her boyfriend Jim would notpick up his dirty clothes when lounging at home. Shetried to reason with him, but he was adamant that in his domain, he hadthe right to enjoy his mess. Exasperated, Jane sought me out to intervene. WhenI asked Jim what the problem was, he said there wasn't one. I told this couplethat we could not resolve an issue unless they both agreed in the first placethat they had one. I counseled Jane to stop nagging, accept John as he was, orleave. This couple is still together, continuing their drama — which Iwon't even try to fix!

Since Kara was at the end of her rope, I assigned herthe task of going on an unusual shopping expedition. Her task was to buy agarment that was hanging on a clearance rack marked "as-is." Thegarment might have some holes, pulls, or stains, but she would really have tolike it — and purchase it despite its imperfections.

Kara landed a designer knit sweater with a few pulls onthe bottom that she admitted didn't matter to her. She said that she reallyloved the sweater. Now I asked her to follow the same reasoning about Charlie:What did she love about him, as is? She listed six wonderful traits.Then I asked her to list his flaws, and what she was trying to fix. Her list ofCharlie's flaws surprised her. She wrote: 1) I want him to finally leave hiswife; 2) I want to make him more assertive with his boss; 3) I want to get himto become a better lover; 4) I want to make him into a more generous man; 5) Iwant to get him to participate in some of my hobbies; 6) I want to convince himto start a family with me.

Until she saw this list, Kara did not know she wasunhappy with more than just Charlie's unwillingness to leave his marital home.For 6 years, she had hidden the man Charlie really was under herpersonal "Fix-Him" agenda. Now that the real Charlie was in fullview, she wondered, "If he actually did leave his wife, would I wanthim?" Kara realized that instead oftrying to fix her lover, it was time for her to fix herself.

Overall,most people don't want to be fixed by you because it suggests that you findthem to be inadequate. Further, who wants to be smothered by a partner'spompous and presumptuous directives? Yet, if you're burning to offer your honeysome helpful direction, be sure to also convey the things about him orher that you love. It's also important to let your partner know that if nochanges were made, it would be OK with you. In love, your job is to preserve your sweetheart's sense of self, notcrush it.

Fixers like Kara are so intent on getting their way that theyoften miss vital issues about the relationship. People like Ted who are atfirst willing to be fixed can only be pushed so far. Can you be happy with yourhoney as is? If you think you want to do some pruning, before you insultyour partner, first ask yourself: "What about me needs the real fix?"

XXX

DEMI & ASHTON IN THREESOMES?

2011-11-22T09:53:00.001-08:00

If Demi Moore Really Had Threesomes, They Destroyed Her Marriage, Experts Say

Even though Demi Moore allegedly agreed to letting other women in the bedroom with her and Ashton, experts told Hollywoodlife.com exclusively that threesomes are NOT a good idea! Do you agree?

Whether or not Demi Moore, 49, actually insisted on including other women in her and Ashton Kutcher‘s sex life remains unclear, but one thing is for sure: threesomes can be destructive to a marriage or relationship. Hollywoodlife.com spoke exclusively to top relationship experts who unanimously advised us to stay away from threesomes if you want your marriage or relationship to last.

“In my experience I have never seen a situation where it has helped a marriage and to make matters more horrible, I have experienced couples who have been terribly hurt by it [threesomes] and have broken up it because of it,” says psychotherapist Dr. Gilda Carle of Dr.Gilda.com, and author of Don’t Bet on the Prince!

Chelsea Handler recently reiterated rumors that Demi was in fact into threesomes with her 33-year-old ex-hubby on the the Nov. 17 episode of Piers Morgan Tonight, saying, “I think they had a lot of good times with some other women. Clearly they probably had a lot of threesomes that led to twosomes without Demi, and that leads to divorce.”

And even IF Demi was down with threesomes, it’s very likely her jealousy became a problem in the twisted trios.

“When there is a possibility of jealousy cropping up, what can occur after the fact is difficult to handle for most people,” Dr. Gilda says.

So why would Demi — a beautiful, successful and worldly woman — agree to sharing her man?

“If it is true that Demi and Ashton participated in threesomes, it is only because this was Demi’s desperate attempt to hold onto him,” says Dr. Carole Lieberman, psychiatrist and author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets. “When there is a large age gap, Cougars like Demi, live in fear of losing their man to a younger woman. So they make concessions, such as having threesomes, and pretend that they are okay with it because they believe losing the man is worse.”
But this — not surprisingly — makes matters worse. And her compromises to fill her insecurities of their age gap could have been the demise of their marriage.

But whatever her reasoning may be, bringing someone else into the bedroom is a risk to the relationship — and probably not a good idea.

“Threesomes are destructive to most relationships, because they loosen the bonds of commitment and trust and build resentment and fear,” Dr. Lieberman explains. “Threesomes would have made it easier for Ashton to step over the line and go from having a threesome to having sex with another woman without Demi there.”

DEMI & ASHTON'S BIG MISTAKE

2011-11-21T16:39:00.001-08:00

Demi & Ashton's BIG mistake

Celebzter.com

If reports are true, that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher had an open relationship, then their marriage never really stood a chance.

Here World Famous Relationship Expert, Dr Gilda Carle explains why a marriage based on these foundations is destined to fail.
In the wake of their split, all sorts of allegations have come to
light about the workings of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's marriage--the most shocking being, that they had an open relationship.

We consulted Dr Gilda Carle as to why women should always avoid falling into this trap, so take note, ladies....it won't work out well. Here's her piece:

CAN OPEN MARRIAGE WORK?

By

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

Now we hear that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage that allowed for each others’ dalliances. It is rumored that Demi is bisexual and her needs could not be met by Ashton. So they made a pact to privately and discretely pursue their lustful fantasies. What they hadn’t figured on was that their privacy would become very public.

Over the years, during my counseling, whenever I hear about a fantasy to have an open marriage, I share what I know. Simply, I have never seen open marriage work. Why? Because we are human beings with feelings. And in addition to love, those feelings also involve possessiveness and jealousy. When one partner becomes overly attached to a lust object, or the lust object spills the beans, rules never laid down before suddenly must be addressed. What happens when the cat is out of the bag? In the case of Demi and Ashton, perhaps they believed that in their very public life, they could still keep some secrets. True to life, secrets are never secret for long, especially in our world of social media. The public humiliation Demi felt was understandable, especially amid the smoke and mirrors on which Hollywood is based. No matter what their sexual appetite, this couple must now independently come clean about who they really are. No relationship can sustain itself when it is built on camouflage!

To read more about Dr Gilda's thoughts, click here: www.DrGilda.com

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO MY FAT HUSBAND

2011-11-20T06:55:00.001-08:00

Love dilemmas: I’m not attracted to my fat husband

TODAY.com’s panel of experts answers readers’relationship questions

Love dilemmas abound,and here, in our second installment of a weekly advice column, a TODAY.companel answers questions from a reader dealing with a weighty relationshipissue. Have your own question? Submitit here.

First, let’sintroduce our panelists:

The wisegrandma: Kitty Schindler
At age 87, retirednurse Kitty Schindler is TODAY.com’s oldest regular contributor. One of 10children raised by a Pennsylvania coal miner during the Depression, she offersadvice from the perspective of a successful long-term relationship — a 61-yearmarriage.

Therelationship expert: Dr. Gilda Carle

Dr.Gilda Carle is an internationally known psychotherapist andrelationship expert. She is Match.com’s “Ask Dr. Gilda” advice columnist. Sheis also author of 15 books, including "Don't Bet on the Prince!"

The sextherapist: Ian Kerner

IanKerner, Ph.D, is a reknown sex therapist and author of "SheComes First" and "Love in the Time of Colic." Ian's journey tocounseling grew out of his own personal battle with sexual dysfunction and hisdesire to help others.

Q: WhenI first met my husband we were both fit and active. Since then marriage andkids have taken a toll on both of our bodies. I have maintained a slightlyoverweight body weight for over five years now (since the birth of ourdaughter), but my husband has been steadily gaining weight for the last fiveyears as well. He is now well over 300 pounds on a 6-foot frame. Aside from thehealth problems, it has also taken a huge toll on our sex life. I find that Iam just not attracted to his current body type. Even though I am slightlyoverweight, is it fair for me to hold his weight against our sex life? He saysthat he loves me the way that I am, and wished I did the same for him. I amalso concerned about the example we are setting for our daughter. We both havea desire to lose weight and get healthier, but have no idea where to begin. —Rachelle

Kitty says: Good health is necessary for good sex and obesitycan be a real turn-off. Face the fact that inactivity and dangerous weight gain(especially your husband's) are your main problem. On TV, in magazines andonline, we're bombarded with good information about how to get and maintain ahealthy weight and lifestyle. Pay attention and decide which kind of program isfor you. Once you make the decision to do something, I'm betting your husbandwill be inspired too. The bottom line is that losing weight and getting moreactive require determination and will power. It helps if you have a partner onthat journey, so why not enlist your husband?

Put your health(and your husband's) first: That's setting a great example for your children.And when you and your husband share this challenge — and its rewards — thatwill lead to greater intimacy between you. And to great sex!

Dr. Gilda says: As is the case of many long marrieds, the two ofyou have gotten into some sloppy physical habits. When you were singles seekinga mate, you knew you needed to maintain your appeal. But after marriage, your“I do” was followed by “I don’t”, as in “I don’t have to care for my looksanymore because I already snatched my catch.” Girlfriend, this is skewedthinking. Caring about yourself has to be a selfish act. Yes, it’s selfishbecause it necessitates self-love. Unfortunately, when you look at your300-pounder, you’re turned off not so much because you’re not attracted to his“current body type,” but because his current body type reflects your ownout-of-condition sex appeal. And this reminder is painful.

But there’s goodnews! As my Gilda-Gram says, “If you had the heat once, you can always get itback.” Since you say the two of you were “fit and active” when you met, let’sreturn you to that point in time. Join a gym together, become each other’ssupportive coaches, and make your workouts part of new and exciting maritalgoals.

Ian says: First of all, it’s really normal for marriedcouples to gain weight together. This phenomenon is known as “synchronouseating” and in a recent study of 2,000 people aged between 16 and 55, a directcorrelation was found between marriage and weight gain, whereas single peoplewere likely to be slimmer. In terms of your sex life, I would encourage you tostill make an effort to be intimate. In my experience, sex ruts can quicklyundermine a marriage. Of course, you still need to feel a level of attraction,but sexual desire is about more than just the physical connection – it’s aboutan emotional connection, and having the sort of overall relationship that makesyou want to have sex. Don’t let the emotional connection fall to the wayside.Know that the brain is the biggest sex organ and there are all sorts of ways tostimulate desire: you can share fantasies with each other, enjoy eroticmaterials together, even look through old photos that remind you of your formerattraction. Also, it’s okay to turn off the lights and have sex in the dark.Once you get your fingers walking, your hands groping and your lips touching,I’ll wager that desire, gratification and a loving connection will soon follow.

Do you agree withthe panelists' advice? Want the TODAY.companel to answer your relationship questions? Click here to send them in!

WHY ACCUSE JUSTIN BIEBER OF FATHERHOOD?

2011-11-18T10:04:00.001-08:00

Why Mariah Yeater Accused Justin Bieber Of Fathering Her Baby

Was it a desperate need for attention? Is she so obsessed with Justin that she’s created a fantasy life with him or does she just want to be famous?

Psychologists interviewed by Hollywoodlife.com tell us exclusively that Mariah Yeater 20, is a young woman with serious psychological issues.

“She needs lots and lots of help,” says psychotherapist Dr. Gilda Carle of Dr.Gilda.com, and author of Don’t Bet on the Prince! ”She is crying out for love. ‘Give me attention, give me attention, give me attention, all translates to gives me love, give me love.’”

And if the latest news that Mariah sent text messages to her ex-boyfriend Robbie, asking him to erase messages from her MOM saying that he was the father of her baby — this would make Justin the THIRD guy she’s claimed to be the father. Because we know that before Mariah claimed Justin was the father of baby Tristyn, she also accused her ex-boyfriend John Terranova. Psychiatrist Dr. Lieberman says this whole nightmare could be Mariah’s way of getting back at her ex-boyfriends!

“She was rejected by her two exes who obviously don’t want to be with her or they would have used this excuse to be with her. In a way, it’s getting back at these exes to try and show them ‘but you didn’t want me but Justin Bieber wanted me he wanted to have sex me ,” says Dr. Carole Lieberman, psychiatrist and author of f Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets . “She obviously needs validation that men find her desirable and as well as wanting attention from them to prove that and that shows that.”

Whatever the reason may be, one thing is very clear — Mariah is a troubled woman and needs professional help.

DURING LOCKOUT, LOVE REPLACES HOOPS

2011-11-17T11:03:00.001-08:00

Love in the Time of Lockout:

Date Nights Replace Hoops

Some saythe cancellation of games is giving them more time with significant others

By Merisa Fink

TODAY.com

If Mariah Freda’sexperience is any indication, the NBA lockout may be giving women across thecountry more chance for romance.

Freda and boyfriendDan Speigal have been going to the movies or making dinner together during timeslots that were previously reserved for Speigal’s seasonal wife: basketball.“Dan is more likely to stay with me at my apartment if he doesn't feel likehe'd be missing a basketball game,” said Freda, a 27-year-old acting student inNew York.

She adds that she is“secretly excited that the NBA might not come back.”

After negotiationsbetween basketball players and NBA officials tanked, it was announced Wednesdaythat games through Dec. 15 have been canceled — a total of 324 games that won’thappen. And though the two sides may still reach an agreement and start theseason late (perhaps as late as February, as they did back in 1999), one thingis certain: The absence of professional basketball on television leaves a voidfor many.

While the lockout isdevastating for basketball fans, it is a welcome respite for others. And byothers, we mean the people that like to spend time with otherwise-occupiedbasketball fans.

The response frommany fans' significant others? Thank you, NBA.

More hangingout
Laura Govan, star of the VH1 series “Basketball Wives L.A.” and fiancee of NBA player Gilbert Arenas, says thather 10-year relationship with Arenas has been noticeably different fromprevious NBA seasons.

"When he's playing basketball, I only use him for sex," shejoked. "Now, we're doing a lot of hanging out with the children andspending a lot of time together. We go to dinners and movies, cuddle and get alot of one-on-one time." She even gets to play the role of teammate,nowadays. "We play basketball at the Y together."

Even male basketball fans seem to be enjoying the extra time with theirsignificant others — if only for the moment.

"The lockout will probably lead to us spending a bit more timetogether and talking more in the evenings,” said Albert Mayer, a 29-year-oldlawyer in Washington, D.C., referring to his girlfriend Leah Bressack, a29-year-old law clerk. “We have ordered the 'NHL Center Ice' package — my idea— and Leah has obtained DVDs covering several seasons of ‘The Wire’ from thelibrary, so we're coping just fine at the moment."

When asked if the lockout will mean sacrificing precious time that wouldotherwise be spent with girlfriends or alone, Bressack answered, "Thatremains to be seen. It all depends on how Albert replaces the NBA in his life,”she said. “For example, if he replaces it by finally getting around toring-shopping, then we won't have any problems."

If your basketball-loving partnerisn't spending time with you the way you want, you just have to be patient,says relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle.

"With the NBA lockout, honeysare being returned to their women almost as it used to be. But he may haveforgotten his romantic role over time," she explained. "Be patientwith him as he re-learns the art of romance and love. And optimize your timetogether now, getting him to remember the benefits of your closeness."

A new danger: Football
While many couples have been taking advantage of the lockout’s silverlining, there are indications that the bonding experience may already befleeting.

"The other day (Dan) insisted on watching the football game, which hehas never really been into,” said Freda. “That was an unpleasantsurprise."

And although she's happy that the lockout has allowed Arenas to help outmore around the house and with their four kids, Govan notes that all that extratime isn't always a good thing. "Sometimes I think to myself, ‘Damn, you need a job. You’re always here!’”

If you want to keep the spark aliveonce games resume, Carle advises making sure your partner doesn't forget about thecloseness you've been experiencing.

"While it would bedisrespectful to turn off the tube while he’s watching, you might want toparade by him wearing your skimpiest lingerie — showing him what’s in it forhim to be more emotionally present sure beats nagging him for moreyou-time," she said.

Only time will tell how the NBA season plays out, and how it ultimatelyaffects relationships. Will fans get thinner? After all, there is a correlationbetween obesity and time spent watching television. Will there be a fertilityboom, similar to what happens during low-severityweather events?

Dan Speigal worries that the lockout may end up having some negativeimpact on his relationship.

“I will have more time for my girlfriend, but I will be less inspired on adaily basis by my heroes in the NBA,” he said, joking that “this will likelyinfluence my sexual performance.”

However, the sexual setback is balanced by one major concession onSpeigal’s part. “I will probablywatch even more ‘Say Yes tothe Dress,’ ” he admitted.

KAT, DID YOU THINK JESSE WOULD CHANGE?

2011-11-17T10:22:00.001-08:00

Open Letter to Kat Von D:

Did You Really Think Jesse Would Change?

16 Nov 2011

www.Celebzter.com

The old adage that a leopard doesn't change its spot has never rung truer when it comes to Jesse James. Our resident Relationship Expert, the World Famous Dr. Gilda weighs in on Kat's recent

confession that Jesse cheated not once, not twice, but 19 times! Is anyone surprised? We're not! But here, World Famous Relationship Expert, Dr. Gilda weighs in with this letter to Kat.

Letter to Kat Von D

From

DR. GILDA CARLE

Hey, Kat,
When someone cheats WITH you, he’ll probably cheat ON you. You have finally learned that you can never change a mate. The way you get him is the way you’ve got him. Lovers are like those “As Is” dresses on the clearance rack. They may be a little soiled, but if you’re willing to take them home the way they are, you’ll find that the stains will not come out.

Did you think for a moment that Jesse James would be true to you when he couldn’t keep it in his pants for his wife, Sandra Bullock? No one will ever be able to satiate this man-child. The issue is not how beautiful, sexy, or accomplished any of his women are, but how needy this guy is. Needy people need more, more, more—and more is never enough. For Jesse, women are his drug. And drug addicts continue to need their fix.

In the future, as my book title advises, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” I’m not saying not to love the prince. Just don’t bet on him for being more than he is. You knew you were getting a soiled dress! Judging from what you wrote on your Facebook post, you’ve learned a valuable lesson that in the future, the only one to bet on is yourself. The next time you fall, be sure it’s someone you can live with as you found him.
Love,
Dr. Gilda

Follow Dr Gilda at www.DrGilda.com

HIS VIOLENCE SCARES ME!

2011-11-14T06:16:00.001-08:00

HISVIOLENCE SCARES ME!

“ASK DR.GILDA”

DR. GILDACARLE (Ph.D.)

It's no fun to have to walk on eggshells with an angry partner you allegedly love. (I've been there, and I will never be there again!) Here's what I told this woman to do...

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine  

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396

DearDr. Gilda,

Ineed to end things with my boyfriend permanently. I don't know how, and I'mvery shaken up as I type this. We just had a blowout fight and he agreed to goto his parents' house. When I was driving him over, he asked if we werebreaking up for good. When I said "maybe," he grabbed the steeringwheel, screaming that if I dumped him he'd kill himself and we might as well dietogether. He tried to ram the car into a telephone pole, but I managed to avoidcrashing. Afterward, I agreed to give him another chance and to let him comehome after a couple of days. I'm scared to let him back in, and equally scaredof what he might do if I don't.

Dr.Gilda, this boyfriend has a history of mental illness. I am exhausted fromdealing with his depression and lack of affection towards me. He has no car andonly works part-time. He was institutionalized briefly before we started datingand has harmed himself before, but I didn't learn any of that until almost ayear after we started dating. Before that, he was funny, smart, charming… butthen his personal issues took over the relationship. I've brought up movingback in with his parents, but after talking briefly with his mother, sherefused — they can't take the stress of living with him, as his dad has a heartcondition and is about to undergo surgery. They are in their mid-60s; we areboth in our late 20s.

Dr.Gilda, what do I do? I feel sorry for him, but I can't continue to be withsomeone who lies to me and scares me this way. I can't get a restraining order(the police say he must be documented making threats towards me or that we musthave a history of domestic violence first). He knows the alarm code and haskeys to my condo. The police also told me that since he lives there, I have togrant him access to his belongings for at least 30 days, so I can't change thelocks to keep him out. I don't know how to deal with breaking up with thisperson without putting either of us in harm's way. Help!

Terrified Teresa

DearTerrified,

Youcan't be in a loving relationship with someone you're terrified of or whom youfeel sorry for! After he commandeered the car into a near crash, your mistakewas to take your boyfriend back.

Endthis torment immediately! Tell him you will be taking a time-out from therelationship for a while. The idea of a separation for a while may seemless threatening to his unstable mind than hearing about a permanent breakup. Ideliberately use the words "will be taking a time-out" becausethis powerful statement leaves no room for negotiation. Further, it's not yourjob to help this guy find a place to stay. Why were you the one to ask hisparents if he could move in with them? You seem to have been babying him whilealso accepting his poor treatment. As myGilda-Gram says, "Being scared NOT to comply is never a reason TOcomply."

Foryour own safety's sake (and to observe the law), stay with a friend while yourboyfriend gets his belongings out of your place. Or, have someone join youwhile he's collecting his stuff. As soon as he's out, get a locksmith to changethe locks and immediately alter the alarm code. If he makes threats againstyou, definitely file a police report, and as soon as you can, get a restrainingorder. This guy's scary behavior can never be allowed to continue to affect you as it hasin the past. You're seeing this as an unhealthy relationship, and I'm glad yourecognize that you deserve more.

Duringthe year you knew him and then lived together, were you frightened by his depressionand angry outbursts? Did you wonder whether to address them with him? Or didyou consciously choose to ignore them? Most folks who pay no heed to signs oftrouble do so because they fear the consequences of a confrontation. But thepeople who finally do confront these issues often do so because they are nolonger willing to put up with the lying, deceit and little bits of affectionthat you received.

Thisis what you must do now:

1. List the things you loved about this man.

2. List the things about him that frightened you.

3. List the ways you dealt with his dysfunctional behavior.

4. List the reasons you chose not to address your boyfriend'sissues.

5. List the reasons you are willing to address them now, and cometo terms with what defined your breaking point.

Now review the list you just completed. The qualities you loved about this guyare probably the same ones you'll want to seek in a healthier mate. Thequalities that frightened you should become your personal red flags to avoid inyour next few dates. Hopefully, you'll ask plenty of questions the next timearound.

Especiallystudy the ways you dealt with your boyfriend's actions. As my Gilda-Gram directs, "Each relationship teaches us somethingto apply in the future." If you have a problem with confrontation,take an assertiveness training class so you feel empowered to speak up before apotential threat becomes magnified.

Whileyou may be frightened right now, it is a sign of growth to recognize that youmust leave this unhealthy union. Congratulations for taking the first step inwriting to me for help. Once you have pulled the plug, your boyfriend's threatsof self-destruction will not affect you as they do now. Look forward to morepositive days because you have, indeed, grown.

Love,

Dr. Gilda

XXX

DIARY OF AN ABUSED GUY

2011-11-12T13:49:00.001-08:00

“ASK DR.GILDA” COLUMN

DIARY OF AN ABUSED GUY

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

www.DrGilda.com

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine  

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12707

DearDr. Gilda,

Ihave been in an 8-year relationship and it is verbally abusive. I am a singledad with two kids. In front of my kids, she calls me “stupid” and “idiot.” Nowshe tells me if I don’t get a tattoo with her name on it, she will leave me andmove out. I know I shouldn’t get the tattoo, but I know I will miss her if sheleaves. Please help me!

Unhappy,But...

Dear Unhappy,

What’sthe “But...” about in your sign-off? Is it that you’re “Unhappy,” but notunhappy enough to leave? Is it that you’re “Unhappy,” but not unhappy enoughto be alone? Is it that you’re “Unhappy,” but not unhappy enough to tell yourgirlfriend that her name-calling, particularly in front of your kids, is offlimits? This is how life works: We only remain in relationships in which we’rederiving rewards. Every one of our life experiences provides us with a payoffof some kind. Sometimes these payoffs are pleasurable, and sometimes they’repainful. Overall, people stay in painful situations because they fear being ina situation without any payoffs at all. This is probably what you’reexperiencing now.

Yourgirlfriend doesn’t treat you well and now she’s trying to bully you intogetting a tattoo inscribed with her name, which you say you don’t want. Thistattoo may be her way of branding you as her property. So what’s the payoff foryou? See if any of these possibilities ring true:

•. You grew up in a household where your mom or another femalefigure was bossy, domineering, and abusive in some way, so the relationshipyou’re in now feels like “home.”

•. You learned that being without a love interest makes you feellonely, so you’ve decided to settle for a bad relationship instead of having nolove at all.

•. You’ve gotten so accustomed to having this woman around thatshe’s become like an old shoe that’s already broken in. You fear that any newshoe you put on might give you calluses — a chance you’d rather not risk. Doany of these scenarios feel right to you?

Letme explain each of them:

•. If you grew up with an abusive, female-dominated family, chancesare, you’d feel comfortable in that sort of environment as an adult. Thesefeelings would be unconscious, so now that we’re bringing them into the open(if they do exist), you can identify them for what they are and choose ahealthier means of comfort in the future.

•. Occasional feelings of loneliness are common for everyone.Sometimes single parents feel so isolated that they’ll seek any port in thestorm, tell themselves that they are in love, and stay in a relationship thatis not in their best interest. To onlookers, it would seem that having a femalepartner might make your child-rearing easier. However, when that partner onlybrings you down, you could feel guilty for introducing her into the mix withyour children. Those same feelings can keep you enmeshed with the wrongpartner.

•. There is something to be said for hanging on to old shoesdespite their worn spots. However, sticking with footwear that’s filled withholes can get uncomfortable when it rains — and it’s raining right now.Now you’ve got to decide if the payoffs you have are actually the ones that youwant.

Youoriginally believed you’d have someone to help with your life when you invitedthis woman into your heart. But instead, you got someone you need to protectyourself from! Repeat this Gilda-Gram often: “I deserve respect.” This kind ofself-talk is important to do, because you’ve been accepting what I call “lessthan” treatment from this woman for a long time.

It’snatural to fear losing what you’ve come to know with this woman. But if youdiscard Miss Potty Mouth, all you’ll be missing will be the painful payoffsyou’ve been conditioned to accept. Ask yourself whether living with someone whodisrespects you is worth the effort. If you’re not sure, ask your kids. Out ofthe mouths of these babes will come your most candid answer — but you alreadyknow what that is!

Love,

Dr. Gilda

XXX

WHEN "HAPPILY EVER AFTER" LASTS JUST DAYS...

2011-11-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

When ‘happily ever after’ lasts days, not years

By Vidya Rao

TODAY.com

11/3/2011

Walking down the aisle in a lavish ceremony, with a gorgeous dress and the man of her dreams, Natasha Nelson never imagined that six weeks after her May wedding she’d be filing for divorce.

The 35-year-old public relations executive says she found out her new husband had been carrying on a relationship with his ex-girlfriend — all throughout their 10-month courtship, engagement and even after the wedding.

And as if dealing with the betrayal wasn’t painful enough, Nelson had to explain to relatives and friends — who had traveled to the wedding from all over the U.S. and Europe and showered her with expensive gifts — why the union ended so quickly.

“It was really embarrassing,” said the San Diego, Calif. resident. “It took me a long time to get over the fear of judgment.”

Honesty is the best policyWith the end of Kim Kardashian’s 72-day stint as a married woman has come a wave of fury about short marriages and lack of respect for the institution. While the public questions the legitimacy of Kardashian’s relationship with Kris Humphries to begin with, the fact remains that ordinary women find themselves in similar positions every day: wanting to divorce shortly after the nuptials for a variety of reasons.

While their situations are unique, a few common dilemmas face most of them — deciding how to break the news, what to do with the gifts and ring, and how to ask for support from friends.

When it comes to sharing the bad news, unlike Kim Kardashian, most women don’t have publicists to do the job. “Honesty is the best policy, and you look much better if you just admit that a mistake was made,” advises relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle.

It took Nelson four weeks to decide how and what she’d say. “Being in PR, I was thinking of ways I could spin the story so that I didn’t look like the fool he made me,” she said. “I finally got the guts to be forthright and send a tasteful email message to my guests, saying that I was sorry to disappoint them with the unfortunate news.”

Nelson even offered to return whatever unused gifts she could and money she’d received — but all of her guests told her to keep them. And that gesture, says etiquette expert Harriette Cole, goes a long way. “The old-school rule is to offer to give back the gifts if the marriage ends within a couple of months, she said. “If you can’t give it back or don’t have it to give back, then the honorable thing to do is to send a card or letter to guests, expressing your deep regret and asking for their love and support.” For her part, Kardashian announced that she will be donating to charity the gifts from her $172,000 registry.

Who gets the ring?
After dealing with guests comes the issue of what to do with the ring. Traditional protocol, Cole says, is to return the ring if the union has lasted less than a year, particularly if it is the groom’s family heirloom. The rules relax if infidelity is involved, as in Nelson’s case. “Keeping the ring is not the best thing to do, but it’s understandable if vows were broken.”

While etiquette rules and California law side with Nelson keeping the ring, she decided to give it back. “I didn’t want it as a reminder,” she said. “It was a symbol of a commitment that wasn’t kept.”

Kathy Thomson, a 53-year-old retiree in Florida, says that similar to Kardashian, she got caught up in the idea of a fairytale wedding when she got married in 1977. When she confided doubts to her family, they were brushed off as pre-wedding jitters. But four months later, the realities of marriage were more than she bargained for and she chose to end her marriage, despite the social pressure to stay with her husband.

Thomson decided to keep her ring. “My ex wanted the ring back, but legally, it was mine,” she said. “At the time, my parents paid for the whole wedding, so I kept it.” Thomson, who was 20 years old when she wed and divorced, had it reset and used it as her engagement ring for her second marriage — which has thus far lasted 31 years.

Don’t say ‘I told you so’
So if you are a friend or family member of someone who has a short-lived marriage, how should you react? The best thing to do is to let the party involved know that you are there for her, experts say. “The best thing you can do is listen,” said Carle. “The typical response is saying, ‘You should do this or that,’ and that’s the last thing anyone wants to hear. All you have to say is, ‘Look, I’m here for you if you want to talk,’ then drop the subject. You have no idea how powerful and appreciated that will be.”

For Nelson, the response from friends and family was overwhelming as she received calls from them telling her exactly that.

At the time, I really wanted my closest friends to tell me he was a jerk and bash him,” she said. “But now I’m so thankful they didn’t do that — they just listened and let me cry. I got such reassurance that they were there for me no matter what.”

Under no circumstances should you pull out the “I told you so” card — even if, like Kardashian’s sisters, you had doubts about your friend’s marriage from the get-go.

“You really have to decide whether you want to support your friendship or sap your friendship,” said Carle. “If you start reminding your girlfriend how brilliant you are and how stupid she is, that’s sapping the relationship.”

Nelson says that the experience of a failed marriage has been so traumatic for her that she will avoid having a big wedding in the future. But for her, the silver lining of the experience has been discovering the rock-solid nature of her friendships.

“They rallied around me so greatly that it really gave me the strength to come out and tell the story of how horrible it all was,” she said. “That’s been a huge part in helping me move on with my life.”

KIM & KRIS: WHY DID YOU BOTHER?

2011-11-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

Dr Gilda Asks, "Why Did Kim & Kris Bother Marrying"

2 Nov 2011

www.Celebzter.com

Nobody expected it to last, but the real shock value comes in that Kim Kardashian could only keep up appearances of being a married woman for 72 days. Dr. Gilda, The World’s Most Famous Relationship Expert, gives her verdict below:

Kim & Kris: Why Did You Bother?

DR. GILDA CARLE

The gossip is flying! This couple hardly knew each other, became
engaged, and never even discussed where they would live! Now we find that Kris wanted to move to his origin, Minnesota, which would have been homicidal for Kim’s career. Kim says in retrospect that she hoped the marriage would last forever. Oh, really? How would that have been possible, when these two don’t even know what the meaning of marriage?

The Kim/Kris union was a circus from the start, with Kim’s mom as circus conductor. Not unlike a lot of couples today, more effort went into planning a bacchanalia ball than was invested in developing a loving future. Any time the focus is on the wedding as a spectacle instead of souls that are spiritual, there is no hope for survival.

As I wrote in an earlier piece on this site, Kim and Kris didn’t need
a divorce attorney; they needed to learn to navigate their
communications. Two people are brought together to grow as a stronger pair than they were as separate entities. What do you think these two learned? My bet is nothing!

As a result of no growth from the experience, Kim and Kris will resume their separate lives, take the same baggage into subsequent
relationships, and repeat their behaviors. A breakup must create a
new starting point. For those readers still “Keeping Up with the
Kardashians,” understand that marriage is more sacred than what you just observed.

Follow Dr Gilda by clicking on this link: www.DrGilda.com

DEMI VS. BRUCE

2011-10-31T06:13:00.000-07:00

Bruce is About to be a Dad for the 4TH Time.

Could the Timing be Any Worse for Demi?

27 Oct 2011

www.Celebzter.com

Demi Moore is already showing the strain of her current beau Ashton Kutcher's reported infidelities, so her ex-husband's news could not have come at a worse time.

Demi Moore has always retained a close relationship with her ex Bruce Willis, who, it was just revealed, is about to be a father again.

We consulted The World's Most Famous Relationship Expert, Dr. Gilda Carle to see how Bruce's joy could become Demi's misery. She writes:

DEMI VS. BRUCE

DR. GILDA CARLE

It must be tough for Demi Moore to watch her ex-husband, Bruce Willis, celebrate his new wife’s pregnancy at this time. Not that she wouldn’t be happy that Bruce is happy. But Demi’s own issues with cheating husband Ashton Kutcher would make her naturally want to contrast her personal sorrows with Bruce’s upcoming excitement. For years, before Bruce married, he hung out with Demi, their 3 daughters, and Ashton as part of a seemingly contented and comfortable friendship. Because this group got along so well, they became the role model for compatible former spouses. So now, it would only be natural to compare the lives of these two exes-turned-platonic-friends. Not so fast!

Message to Demi (and Other Suffering Souls): Because we each walk our own path, we can never compare our life with that of another. Each of our journeys takes us to where we uniquely need to be. Rejoicing with Bruce will not only make him happy and enrich your friendship; it will also allow you to bury your own issues for a time. Everyone, without exception, experiences life’s ebb and flow. Giving means to be there for others in whatever capacity you can. Actually, it might also give you some temporary relief. So it is a gift to remove yourself from yourself, in favor of others’ needs.

I remember one cold and lonely New Years Eve right after my divorce. Tired of feeling sorry for myself, I donated my time to the homeless. Because of that, by the time New Years Day rolled around, I was truly refreshed for a NEW year on a new page. Giving can be rewarding and healing. I hope you’ll try this, Demi.
Love,
Dr. Gilda

To follow Dr Gilda Carle, visit here: www.DrGilda.com