tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65274383991793776142024-03-05T06:41:00.247-05:00Dr. Gilda CarleDr. Gilda Carle is a relationship strategist, professor, author, and keynote speaker.DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-60939794209463690612023-12-28T18:36:00.022-05:002023-12-30T13:27:21.305-05:00Relationship Expert from Boardroom to Bedroom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/haooMoCZqVU" width="320" youtube-src-id="haooMoCZqVU"></iframe></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Get connected with Dr. Gilda on <u><a href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/drgilda/" target="_blank">LinkedIn</a></u>! </span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br />Explore my collection of insightful books on Amazon. </span><span style="color: #0e4df5; font-family: verdana;"><u><a href="https://www.amazon.com/stores/Dr.-Gilda-Carle/author/B00IX5APHC?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true" target="_blank">Click here</a></u></span></p><p></p><div><span></span><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-85768521606669966122020-05-29T11:08:00.002-04:002020-05-29T20:21:19.416-04:00Dr. Gilda’s Fair Fighting Formula <span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda Carle shares the 3 F's you need to know to keep your relationship together.</span>
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</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-29597387497951079572020-02-03T15:30:00.001-05:002020-02-03T15:30:22.119-05:00Dr. Gilda's EDM Flirting Technique<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-16581268612150799552020-01-30T11:22:00.001-05:002020-01-30T11:26:13.160-05:00The Royals <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-18747665489650279032020-01-26T14:51:00.001-05:002020-01-26T14:51:24.158-05:002020 Dating Trends<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-53065704250781658002020-01-13T11:55:00.001-05:002020-01-13T12:27:06.672-05:00Dr. Gilda in Good Morning Arizona<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Watch as Dr. Gilda Carle talks about the New Year's Kiss!</h4>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-44573512544086548772019-11-17T20:21:00.000-05:002019-11-17T20:21:15.330-05:00Dr. Gilda In USA Today<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Social Sites Turn Strangers Into Travel Companions</span></h2>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Roger Leary wanted to travel, and he preferred to not do it alone. The 56-year-old DJ from Massachusetts was in search of fun, hassle-free travel experiences with like-minded individuals. After experiencing some pretty horrific dates, he decided to turn to social media and eventually used it to find companions of a different sort — those who were willing and available to join him on his excursions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Since joining Meetup.com in 2007, Leary founded <a href="https://www.meetup.com/HikeBikeSocialClub/"><span style="color: #416ed2; font-kerning: none;">South Shore Hike, Bike & Social Club</span></a>, which has nearly 4,000 members (about 500 are active). He’s led four trips to places that include Belize and Costa Rica, and he’s currently planning one to Ireland. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Leary’s experience is part of a trend of perfect strangers who consider connecting online the perfect way to find companions. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #416ed2; font-kerning: none;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/pg/BLTSNYC/posts/">Black & Latino Traveling Singles</a></span><span style="font-kerning: none;">, which was founded in March and caters to those age 30 and older, currently has more than 750 members interested in meetups in New York City and group travel. “Want to take a trip or do something interesting in NYC or around the world ... but you don’t want to do it alone ... this is the place for you,” reads the group’s Facebook page.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">More than 1,500 users have joined the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/WeFlyFar/"><span style="color: #416ed2; font-kerning: none;">Travel Buddies Facebook</span></a> group, launched from Oxford, England, in 2016. “We are a community set up to link fellow (travelers) who want some company on an upcoming holiday,” the page reads. “The idea is that you will post your idea or information for your holiday and, hopefully, find a travel mate to share your adventure with.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Many of these “social travelers” prefer sojourning with strangers to avoid the potential pressure that can come with traveling with family, friends or romantic partners.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: yellow;"><i><b>“People would rather travel with strangers than people they know because, with someone new, they can take on any new fantasy identity they want,” says relationship expert and author Gilda Carle. “Why interact with someone who already knows your warts — and may even criticize you for them? Instead, new people equal brand new behaviors and interactions, and we never know what these new connections can evolve into.”</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">For many, connecting online with strangers to share a traveling experience is considerably easier.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">However, Leary advises caution when meeting strangers for trips. He screens potential travel mates before they go: “Those that drink too much or seem picky or like they might be difficult, I don’t go out of my way to encourage.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Beforehand, decisions are made about how bills will be paid and which expenses will be shared. In some cases, money may be deposited into an account to pay for housing or transportation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">For some, embarking on such adventures with total strangers might be a difficult decision, but for Leary, it made perfect sense. “I just wanted to find like-minded people who wanted to enjoy nature, be healthy, get outside and have some fun,” he says.</span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Published By USA Today: Nov. 16, 2019</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Link: <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2019/11/16/social-sites-strangers-travel-companions/2562964001/">https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2019/11/16/social-sites-strangers-travel-companions/2562964001/</a></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-52094706728827317122019-11-15T11:07:00.003-05:002019-11-15T11:18:35.240-05:00Dr. Gilda In Reader's Digest<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">7 Pieces of Advice to Take from Your Grandparents </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">and 5 to Forget</span></span></h2>
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Author: <a href="https://www.rd.com/author/staceyfeintuch/" target="_blank"><span style="text-align: start;">Stacey Feintuch</span> </a></div>
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Your grandparents are very right about some things…and very wrong about others. This handy guide sorts out the good advice from the bad.<br />
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Many people relish advice from their grandparents, and for good reason. After all, older relatives only want the best for you, and they’ve likely garnered some pearls of wisdom over the years. That said, not all of their advice is golden. Sometimes it doesn’t keep up with the times or it’s simply bad advice. How can you tell the difference? We talked to the experts to discuss the most common grandparent-given advice about life, money, and relationships, and sussed out which tips you should follow—and which you should ignore.<br />
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<b>Advice to keep: Laugh…and then laugh some more</b><br />
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Laughter is the best medicine for stress and pain. It can quickly improve your mood, as well as increase intimacy, happiness, and understanding, helping you bond with others. And a <a href="http://news.ku.edu/2017/02/08/relationship-success-tied-not-joking-shared-sense-humor">pa</a><a href="http://news.ku.edu/2017/02/08/relationship-success-tied-not-joking-shared-sense-humor">per</a> from University of Kansas professor Jeffrey Hall gives data-backed validity to something else that your grandparents probably mentioned: Couples who laugh together, stay together. “In my opinion, the purpose of life is having fun,” says Mike Goldstein, founder and lead dating coach at <a href="http://www.ezdatingcoach.com/">EZ Dating Coach</a>. “If you can find time to do that with your partner, you’re headed in the right direction.” And that advice shouldn’t stop at romantic relationships. Incorporate laughter whenever possible in your life, trying to see the humor even in difficult situations. It can make the difference between a good day and a bad day for you—and for those around you. If you need some inspiration, check out these <a href="https://www.rd.com/funny-stuff/love-marriage-cartoons/">love and marriage cartoons that are hilariously accurate</a>.<br />
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<b>Advice to keep: Don’t burn bridges</b><br />
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This world is smaller than you think. That’s why you should always try to maintain good—or at least civil—relationships with people from all parts of your life, whether you like them or not. You never know when you’ll encounter them again, socially or professionally. Plus, harboring grudges can take a toll on you. “In our hyper-connected world, our degree of separation has been reduced to about 1.5 degrees,” says <a href="https://www.drhokemeyer.com/">Paul</a><a href="https://www.drhokemeyer.com/"> Hokemeyer</a>, PhD, a clinical and consulting psychotherapist and the author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Fragile-Power-Everything-Lessons-Treating/dp/1616497645/?tag=readerwp-20">Fragile Power: Why Ha</a><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Fragile-Power-Everything-Lessons-Treating/dp/1616497645/?tag=readerwp-20">ving Everything Is Never Enough</a>. “Regardless of the degrees of separation, maintaining dignity in our relationships is important because it’s the right thing to do. In the long run, it just feels better. Cultivating compassion for and understanding other people, especially those we get cross with, makes for a happier and healthier life.”<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.rd.com/true-stories/inspiring/chh-nano-corona?trkid=nativo-lifeext-nanocorona"><img src="" /></a>Advice to keep: Don’t marry for money</b><br />
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Whether your grandparents had a happy marriage or an unhappy one, they likely know a thing or two about love and money. They’ve seen what can happen when financial situations change and when relationships get rocky for any number of reasons. Money doesn’t necessarily last, and it certainly won’t comfort you in trying times. But if you truly love being with the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with, you’ll be happier on a daily basis as well as internally rich—the right kind of wealthy. “We’ve been acculturated to believe that money buys happiness, but it doesn’t,” says Hokemeyer. “What it buys is obligations, duties, and heavy responsibilities. These are the opposite of what we need to be fulfilled and happy in our romantic relationships. In our love lives, we need to be free to be our authentic selves and vulnerable in our fundamental truths.” These are <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/marriage-advice-for-newlyweds">10 more things every newlywed couple should know</a>.<br />
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<b>Advice to keep: Save money for rainy days</b><br />
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All grandparents seem to preach this adage. Still, many Americans don’t prepare for a potential financial downturn. A <a href="https://www.bankrate.com/banking/savings/financial-security-june-2019/">study by Bankrate</a> found that more than a quarter of consumers don’t have an emergency cash reserve. And while one in four do have some money set aside for worst-case scenarios, that money wouldn’t even cover three months of living expenses. It may seem impossible to squirrel away even a little bit of money, but you really do need to figure out a plan. After all, you never know when your roof will leak, your car will break down, or your company will downsize. “Though life is unpredictable, you can predict that there will be times that something unexpected will happen,” says <a href="http://www.smarthealthpsych.com/">Marni Amsellem,</a> PhD, a licensed psychologist who practices in Connecticut and New York. “Having access to a safety net or a backup plan, or having a support network in place that can rise up should you need them, is some great advice. While we can certainly live in the moment, anticipating needs in some form will be time and energy well-spent.”<br />
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<b>Advice to keep: Enjoy your kids because time flies</b><br />
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You may lose your mind if your toddler has yet another temper tantrum. And you just can’t argue with your teenage daughter again about what she’s wearing. But as hard as it might be, don’t wish these points in time away, and try to see the good moments that are also there, even when things are difficult. Why? Because that toddler will soon be off to kindergarten, and that teen will be out of the house for good. They’ll have kids of their own in the blink of an eye. Your grandparents know this all too well. Being present enough to truly enjoy your kids can be extra tricky when life is pulling you in a million different directions. But—as your grandparents realize now—the time you spend with them is incredibly important, as is cultivating the right relationship. “If the balance of career and quality time is the issue, remember that your connection with your kids often means a lot more than whether you can buy them the newest gadget,” says <a href="http://www.drlynnsaladino.com/">Lynn Saladino</a>, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who practices in New York City. “It’s often the moments (or lack thereof) that will make the biggest impression. It can be tempting to say you’ll spend time with them after the next project, promotion, or work trip. But be careful not to delay too long or you risk missing some of the most important years of their life.” And no matter how hard things might seem, make sure you never say these <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/worst-things-say-to-kids/">worst things you can say to your kids</a>.<br />
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<b>Advice to keep: Make sure your partner feels needed</b><br />
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“No one wants to feel disposable in your presence, as if you’d be no better or worse off without them,” says <a href="http://amyspencer.com/">Amy Spencer</a>, author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Your-Half-Orange-Utterly-Optimism/dp/0762440686/?tag=readerwp-20">Meeting Your Half-Orange</a>. “We enjoy feeling necessary, useful, and needed. And that is rooted in basic human behavior. We want to feel significant and that we have purpose beyond ourselves.”<br />
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One <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797614531799">study</a> even found that having a sense of purpose actually helped people live longer. “Giving your partner the opportunity to help you is healthy for them and it increases your bond,” Spencer explains. “Even if you don’t ‘need’ your partner’s help, you’d surely like it now and then.” To do this, choose an area that your partner feels uniquely trained or capable in. For example, ask a strong person to help carry something heavy, or ask someone who is good with emotional insight how to approach a problem with a friend. “Lean on them so they feel necessary in your presence,” Spencer says. What else do happy couples do? They engage in these <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/daily-habits-of-healthy-relationships/">11 healthy relationship habits</a> every day.<br />
Advice to keep: Don’t air your dirty laundry in public<br />
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While our grandparents weren’t talking about Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram when they doled out this very wise advice, we can and should apply it to this aspect of our lives. Why? Because people often forget just how public social media is. It’s not a secret space or a diary, and you shouldn’t be sharing your latest disagreement with your significant other there. Friends, family, and random Facebook acquaintances don’t have to be privy to everything about your life or relationship, especially arguments. Otherwise, it makes it harder to forgive and forget, and it can also create hurt feelings since partners may be embarrassed by this oversharing. Feelings can even be hurt inadvertently. Of course you shouldn’t reveal something important that your partner told you in confidence, but you also shouldn’t screenshot and post a text that sounds seductive. “A relationship is a bond,” says Spencer. “And to keep that bond strong, you need to hold some things special, like a vault for which only you two hold the key. Think twice before you give away everything in your relationship like it’s a commodity. It may help your relationship to keep some special secrets in the vault for just the two of you.” Keeping some things to yourself is definitely one of the <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/etiquette-rules-should-never-abandon/">etiquette rules we never should have abandoned</a>.<br />
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<b>Advice to forget: The woman is always right</b><br />
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Yes, it can be tough to say, “I was wrong.” But in a relationship, it has to be done sometimes. And even better advice: Instead of figuring out who is right, figure out how to make things work. “When fighting about small things with your significant other, try to let them go,” says <a href="http://www.bonniewinstonmatchmaker.com/">Bonnie Winston</a>, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert. “Of course, the issues that mean the most and are important to you can be argued over, but in a mature way.” How do you do that? By taking the time to come up with exactly what you want to say—in the best, calmest, and most productive manner possible. “Candidates in a debate don’t raise their voices and spew out unrehearsed words,” says Winston. “The ones who are the most effective have a well-thought-out viewpoint.” Focus on the root of what’s really causing conflict, and don’t bring up other issues or go off on a tangent; otherwise, hurt and resentment can bubble to the surface, causing a desire for separation.<br />
Advice to forget: Don’t have screaming fights or you’ll end up divorced<br />
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“Volatiles” have been flagged by relationship experts and married couple John and Julie Gottman, founders of the <a href="https://www.gottman.com/">Gottman Institute</a>, as one of three types of “happy-stable” relationships. The average happy volatile couple has at least a five-to-one positive-to-negative ratio during conflict—meaning they have five times more positive interactions than negative ones—which John Gottman has found to be the marker of a healthy relationship. In contrast, couples who end up headed for divorce court have a ratio of 0.8 to one. Though happy volatile couples can have intense fights, they balance arguments with kindness and attentiveness. So while there is a kernel of truth to this, it really comes down to the entire tone of a marriage.<br />
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<span style="background-color: yellow;"><b>Advice to forget: Your partner isn’t a mind reader</b><br /><br />Open communication is an essential tool for a happy relationship—our grandparents are right about that. But the Gottmans have found that successful couples also understand each other’s feelings and needs without having to be told all the time. One of John Gottman’s studies found a link between satisfying marriages and a husband’s ability to interpret his wife’s nonverbal cues. “The best relationships are those that involve two emotionally present partners,” says <a href="http://www.linkedin.com/in/drgilda" target="_blank">Gilda Carle</a>, PhD, relationship expert and author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Tips-Understand-Opposite-Relationship-Book-ebook-dp-B07323LBNB/dp/B07323LBNB/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=1573833807" target="_blank">8 Tips to Understand the Opposite Sex</a>. “When a partner is emotionally present, he’ll be able to sense nonverbal cues about the wants and needs of the person with whom he’s living. He’ll feel the emotional pulse of his partner and then ask how he can help, support, or offer advice.” The bottom line: Pay attention to your partner, because there are plenty of cues that you should be picking up on.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: yellow;">Advice to forget: Opposites attract<br /><br />The idea that one partner’s strengths compensate for the other’s weaknesses and vice versa sounds good at first. But the Gottmans say that their research finds no support for this commonly held belief. You can be opposites on some smaller subjects (for example, you love to read a book at the beach and he’d rather hit the waves). But it when it comes down to core issues like money management or disciplining the kids, it’s best to be similar. “Two people with totally different interests and desires will find that opposites dis-tract,” says Carle. “When two people are at opposite ends of an issue, they may end up arguing to convince their partner to change to their side. This could have been avoided if they chose a partner who was more aligned with their own belief systems.” Here are <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/early-signs-relationship-isnt-going-last/">15 more early signs your relationship isn’t going to last</a>.</span><br />
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<b>Advice to forget: Talk things out until you agree with each other</b><br />
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We hate to break the news to you, but sometimes it’s just not going to happen. (Sorry, Grandma.) The good news is that this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Sixty-nine percent of marriage problems are managed rather than solved, according to John Gottman’s research. The key is to avoid a “gridlocked conflict,” in which you can’t make headway in a recurring fight. At the bottom of these issues, the Gottmans have found, are core-value differences that take couples by surprise. For instance, a fight about finances isn’t just about the cash; it’s also about the meaning of money, power, freedom, and security. You might not be able to find the perfect compromise in every situation, but by creating an open dialogue, you can discuss the issue without hurting feelings. “It would be nearly impossible to agree with your partner on every topic,” says Saladino. “The key is remaining respectful in your conversations and limiting resentment for things that aren’t discussed. Doing the hard work of finding a compromise on tough topics keeps you on the same page and your relationship healthy.” Your grandparents aren’t the only ones with plenty of great and not-so-great advice—this is <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/advice-from-your-in-laws/">the advice you should and shouldn’t follow from your in-laws</a>.<br />
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Published By Reader's Digest</div>
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Link: <a href="https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/grandparent-advice-take-forget/">https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/grandparent-advice-take-forget/</a></div>
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</header><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-228829727473378732019-11-08T11:53:00.000-05:002019-11-08T12:17:33.652-05:00Couples Living Apart<h3 style="text-align: center;">
Living Apart Together or LAT may be a trending relationship format, but is it right for YOU?</h3>
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</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-33826642928983232082019-08-07T10:14:00.000-04:002019-08-07T10:17:01.126-04:00Wednesday Wisdom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: #e8e8e8; caret-color: rgb(26, 26, 26); color: #1a1a1a; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "segoe ui", roboto, oxygen, cantarell, "helvetica neue", ubuntu, sans-serif;">Photo by </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; caret-color: rgb(26, 26, 26); color: #1a1a1a; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "segoe ui", roboto, oxygen, cantarell, "helvetica neue", ubuntu, sans-serif; font-weight: 600; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="https://www.pexels.com/@raulkingr?utm_content=attributionCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pexels" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-decoration: none;">RAUL REYNOSO </a></span><span style="background-color: #e8e8e8; caret-color: rgb(26, 26, 26); color: #1a1a1a; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "segoe ui", roboto, oxygen, cantarell, "helvetica neue", ubuntu, sans-serif;">from </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; caret-color: rgb(26, 26, 26); color: #1a1a1a; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "segoe ui", roboto, oxygen, cantarell, "helvetica neue", ubuntu, sans-serif; font-weight: 600; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-and-woman-walking-on-street-while-holding-hands-1695917/?utm_content=attributionCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pexels" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-decoration: none;">Pexels</a></span></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-1424571295477920032019-01-22T18:30:00.003-05:002019-01-22T18:30:41.802-05:00Should I Break Up My Long Distance Relationship?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been with my current girlfriend for the past 4 years. We have had issues now and then and even came close to splitting a couple of times, but we never did. We moved nearer to each other and even had some couples counseling. Recently, she took a new job out of State. I am still at my current job and will have to stay here for the next year or so, but she knew that. We had discussions about being apart and we figured that we could get through it.<br /><br />She visited me for the weekend and things were going well, but she didn't seem as excited to see me, as I was to see her. After she confessed her feelings, this bothered both of us. She went back home, but since she left, I have found myself falling for someone here. The new person recently broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years, but it had been going downhill for a while. Since she broke up with him, we have been hanging out more and becoming closer, and I find myself falling for her. Everything missing from my current relationship is what the new person has. I have told her about the problems with my current relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My questions are: 1) If I decide to pursue this woman, what would be the best way to end it with the current person (which would be hard because we have been together for so long and are long-distance), 2) What would be the best way to start with the new person (making sure she doesn't still have feelings for her old flame), and 3) How can I make sure this would work? I am getting older now, and I would only want to be with the new person if I knew for sure it would be long-term. Otherwise, I would stay in my current relationship because of how much I have already invested there. I would love to hear your advice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Betwixt and Between<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Betwixt and Between,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Let me answer your email with this email I received from a 16-year-old girl:<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have a boyfriend named Danny. We have been dating for less than a month, and everything is good. I just recently met his friend, LJ, and I really like him a lot. LJ and I talk on the phone, on the computer, everything. We both are attracted to each other. LJ is in a relationship though. I want Danny to be my boyfriend, but at the same time, I want to hang out with LJ and kiss him and hug him and all that stuff. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Danny doesn't know, and neither does LJ's girlfriend. I don't want to tell Danny because he would get upset and break up with me, which I don’t want. Am I selfish for wanting 2 guys? Is cheating bad? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">I see people cheat all the time and they don't get caught. I mean, it's not like Danny and I are contemplating marriage. We're both only 16. Can you please guide me on what the right thing to do is? I don't want to forget about either of them. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Thanks,<br />Confused Girl<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hey, Betwixt and Between, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While Confused Girl is only 16, and you have years on her, what difference is there between both your questions? Both of you want what you want—with guarantees. Neither of you is willing to admit your self-absorption. The way to make sure any relationship works is to be emotionally present for your mate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you’re looking, however, for your mate to just fill a void so you’re not alone, your story is only about you, not your partner. The 16-year-old “Confused Girl” figures that as long as she doesn’t get caught, what’s the harm in cheating? Obviously, you agree with that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I don’t believe you should be involved with anyone at this time. Your lack of giving would eventually derail whatever you think you currently have. I suggest you learn how it feels to be alone right now, because that’s the condition you’ll be in once your new girlfriend discovers you are not really there for her anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<script src="//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-9306857796804691562019-01-05T06:00:00.000-05:002019-01-05T06:00:11.409-05:00Better Friends Than Lovers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been seeing this man for 9 months. There is a large age disparity between us, and at first, he said he was okay with it. He is extremely busy, and he travels often. He was married for a number of years before divorcing over 2 years ago. We've been friends for the better part of a decade. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The problem is, he seems to run hot and cold. I hear from him often some weeks, and others, I may not hear from him at all. I seem to be a low priority on his list, even though he is the one that initiated this romance. He doesn't seem to want to communicate his feelings, even though he is a somewhat affectionate person. I've tried to communicate my feelings with him, and tell him I want to see him more. He agreed, but not much action has been taken. Should I give up, or try another tactic? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sleepless in Sarasota<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Sleepless in Sarasota,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sometimes your partner won’t hear you because he doesn’t want to. Other times, it may be because you’re just not hearing what he’s saying. This guy’s behavior has spoken loud and clear—and your gut filled you in. You’re a “low priority” for him. Period! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Being an “affectionate person” can refer to his readiness for sex, not his longing for committed love. Sure, he initiated the “romance” because being the pursuer is usually what men enjoy. But now he’s showing you that he wants only a casual relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Fortunately, you’ve enjoyed a platonic friendship for over 10 years. You should be able to draw on that to level with him about what you’re sensing and how you’re feeling about it. Then hear him out. But even his words will run shallow compared to the behavior he demonstrates. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Gilda-Gram®<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Truth lies not in words, but in behavior.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">You may decide in time that the two of you make better friends than lovers. But glean from this experience that you deserve more than a partner who is emotionally out to lunch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-5472925454629066062019-01-04T06:00:00.000-05:002019-01-04T06:00:02.919-05:00Sex With My Ex-Husband<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid-4ifq-QssaQYm25V8HdgupR_Coi6G5Tr-LK5WVfdGf8xZdlkOHBl_yqGYGOogRQu7TwU8brGS1P6yvk-n2dPTXp-n3cjqbsSiGRmmfRBINM7aylPk_Ecw0RfT5-tHhKoa6lk3eD6Gsk/s1600/AsianCouple.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="237" data-original-width="320" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid-4ifq-QssaQYm25V8HdgupR_Coi6G5Tr-LK5WVfdGf8xZdlkOHBl_yqGYGOogRQu7TwU8brGS1P6yvk-n2dPTXp-n3cjqbsSiGRmmfRBINM7aylPk_Ecw0RfT5-tHhKoa6lk3eD6Gsk/s400/AsianCouple.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;">Q.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My ex-husband and I divorced 5 years ago, but we never stopped being a couple, and I thought we got along well. Last summer I was working 3 jobs to pay for our youngest child’s college education, because my ex-husband had recently lost his job. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While I was busy working, he decided I didn't have enough time for him, and he took up with another woman. They have been seeing each other now for 4 months. He says he has deep feeling for her, but he still wants to spend time with me, too. He tells me he loves me. He and I secretly get together 5 or 6 times a week for sex, and to talk and spend time together.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is really tearing me up. I know I shouldn't put up with this treatment. I am a good person. I don't deserve to be treated this way, and I told him so. And I don't feel like I did anything to cause him to start going out with this other woman. I am so hurt and confused.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why do you think he seems reluctant to cut ties with me, but at the same time, risk losing what he says he has with this other woman? I don't know what the right thing to do is. It would be easier if I didn't love the jerk.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Torn</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;">A.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Torn,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">You’re asking the wrong question. It’s not why this “jerk” is still involved with you, but why YOU are still involved with this “jerk.” OK, you have a child in common and you had a life you shared together when you were married. But you’re not married any longer. Why are you still so attached to him? Why won’t you let go? If things had been so sensational between the two of you, you would never have gotten divorced. Deal with the realities and assess what you really have. Is the sex and companionship worth being so torn up and upset? When the pain becomes greater than the rewards, you will redefine your expectations and choose a set-up either with your ex or without him that makes you feel better. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If someone is keeping you a secret, he doesn’t deserve to be in your life! Every lover deserves to be out in the open where her honey can display how proud of her he is!</span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-18735519814417237052019-01-03T11:13:00.001-05:002019-01-03T16:24:44.148-05:00Cheating Closet Swinger<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-nuEll6MhcbD2uheoA2WYJM8D4ybC2I15NGxi3bjFGrnLIiPa1GY0J-6TJ2Yk32vBzEsop1blnil36TsF_oXunQTZBN8Bbb-jD-GYp_CHhWP756bUiQAJYbwu0zNsykVvtOwVNY3RoF0/s1600/Couple3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="252" data-original-width="552" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-nuEll6MhcbD2uheoA2WYJM8D4ybC2I15NGxi3bjFGrnLIiPa1GY0J-6TJ2Yk32vBzEsop1blnil36TsF_oXunQTZBN8Bbb-jD-GYp_CHhWP756bUiQAJYbwu0zNsykVvtOwVNY3RoF0/s400/Couple3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My boyfriend of 2 years and I have gone through a few emotional crises during our relationship. He's lied to me about things and I've forgiven him. This past weekend everything became worse after I checked his text messages. I saw messages and pictures that I never thought I'd see. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I confronted him, he denied everything and said that they were messages he received years ago. I continued to push the issue and discovered he has been with numerous husband/wife couples for sex. Once that was out, I asked if I now knew everything. He assured me that I did, but that wasn’t the case. I just couldn't let it go because of the lying in the past. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">After asking him almost a dozen times, a few hours later, he admitted he received oral sex from the husbands. Again, I asked if that was all I needed to know, and despite being told yes, I still didn't believe him. As it turns out, he has met 2 couples for sex since we've been together, and he has been searching online for more. He also made plans to meet with a couple a few days before our feuding began. The only thing that prevented him from meeting is that I was with him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm so hurt! I thought he was the man I'd marry. He refuses to let our relationship end </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">and insists that as of this past Saturday, he is committed to our relationship. I see that as a slap in the face. I feel like the time spent with him was a complete waste. He wants to "get help," but the problem is too deep. He's completely destroyed any trust in him I could have.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Am I wrong to tell him he needs to move on and let me live in peace? Trust is important, and when a person has cheated on you and keeps you in the dark about his sexual orientation, isn’t it time to go?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hurt and Furious</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Hurt and Furious,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It is a shock to discover that your long-time lover has a secret life separate from you. If this guy’s sexual predilections were the same as yours, at least you could enjoy them together. After all, you’re adults. But the fact that you find his sexual orientation distasteful is an immediate red flag to leave. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And, as you suspect, more important than even the differences you have in sexual tastes, the fact that he lied to you and lived a secret life after 2 years is a trumpeting signal that says you must end things now. You’re right about trust being so important. You would have a tough time trusting him now after finding out about all this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Of course you’re hurt and furious! Who in this situation wouldn’t be? But instead of continuing to feel this way, consider this a business deal gone bad. Cut your losses and move on. Jo Dee Messina’s song, “My Give A Damn’s Busted” is the perfect song for you to be singing now! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But always remember the things you learned from this experience so you can mark your growth by not repeating your patterns again. As a parting gift to yourself, get tested for STDs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s bad enough to lie about your sexual preferences. But worse than that is to go off on your own and find independent gratification without your mate after years of being in a purportedly committed relationship. After such a breach of trust, it would be nearly impossible for someone to try to re-build what s/he thought s/he had all along. I continue to cite the basic business model that advises people in trouble for a long time to finally cut their losses and move to greener pastures. <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-73542461790780305632019-01-02T13:13:00.000-05:002019-01-03T16:26:44.961-05:00Baby Boomer Love Triangle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnm1RlXt_MfkWnpoXvM5IrySlyoF6x3PIJe9Tv_qKnohkDJpVdbUX427iKR1SfKFivq593mzWhJT-ROn1zuWzuzZs5ILPvej9Kq6SjMZGpRzPVo_WuVlrHqwM_X_toROS1Jg6I8EI8YrQ/s1600/gcouple.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="219" data-original-width="358" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnm1RlXt_MfkWnpoXvM5IrySlyoF6x3PIJe9Tv_qKnohkDJpVdbUX427iKR1SfKFivq593mzWhJT-ROn1zuWzuzZs5ILPvej9Kq6SjMZGpRzPVo_WuVlrHqwM_X_toROS1Jg6I8EI8YrQ/s400/gcouple.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;">Q.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been seeing this man for 5 years and his ex is still very important to him. He keeps me a secret from her and all his friends. He tells me how very much he loves me and that I am the only woman he wants in his life. But if there is any celebration with his grandkids, I can’t go because she will be there. They have no kids together, but they were together for 10 years, and have been divorced for 15. He says that the last time she found out about his being with someone, it broke her heart, and he can’t bear to do that again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was invited to his brother’s wedding in a few months, but he now tells me that his mother (who I have not met) will be going to the wedding. Since his mother and his ex know each other, he doesn’t want me to go. But he said it would be ok for me to go if his ex doesn’t go. He said that if I make him choose between her and me, I would lose.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I love him a lot but this is just starting to get to me. I don’t want to be a secret in anyone’s life. We are not kids. We are both over 50. What should I do? Please help me with your wisdom. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Wanting More<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit;">A.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Wanting More,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">What healthy woman would want to be locked away in a closet after 5 years of being with someone? The reason this guy is able to get away with such disrespect for you is because you’ve bought into his plan!! Usually, such men are scared little children who feel inadequate inside. Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle. The world saw how they made up for their feelings of inadequacy!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It sounds like you’re this guy’s puppet. No matter how much he tells you he loves you, his actions prove otherwise. Who is he trying to protect from disappointment? Not you!! He even told you that you would lose out in a duel between yourself and his ex. Tell this guy you no longer want to be part of a triangle, and scoot out of there. You say, “I don’t want to be a secret in anyone’s life.” Yet, you’ve accepted, and thereby taught, this dude that you certainly ARE willing to be someone’s secret mistress. From that, he’s gleaned that your words of protest are meaningless, and he continues his antics.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This guy is still married to his ex, even though the paperwork has been finalized. They are obviously playing a game of exes that won’t let go—and you’ve been caught in the middle. There’s no question that what you must do is leave. Sure, you’ll be hurt and lonely for a while, but you won’t be more hurt and lonelier than you already are with a man who is emotionally absent.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda</span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-73239383429896222332019-01-02T10:49:00.000-05:002019-01-03T16:31:50.278-05:00When Trust is Gone, It's Gone!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitjJCXItfpK791Y2s4Pno3-GmYNUlPdpM_RVp5S4eJZwtFkRVMioSjj5tOmR4eyGm4G5WhIKNJ8k90Qh5ndbiQ-sB7c5JsbHIzM-jW88saKH0zqLbUJLWLJ4Hr_8M8Oft9Q9D9TriWjcA/s1600/trust.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="392" data-original-width="589" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitjJCXItfpK791Y2s4Pno3-GmYNUlPdpM_RVp5S4eJZwtFkRVMioSjj5tOmR4eyGm4G5WhIKNJ8k90Qh5ndbiQ-sB7c5JsbHIzM-jW88saKH0zqLbUJLWLJ4Hr_8M8Oft9Q9D9TriWjcA/s400/trust.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Q.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In looking back, I'm not sure how long my husband’s affair went on behind my back, but once I suspected and confronted him, he denied everything. When the trust is gone, it's gone. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My husband fell for the other woman’s "traps," she claimed she got pregnant by him, and she or they made a decision for her to get an abortion. She is a co-worker, 7 years younger, never married, a drama queen playing mind games, and she got the booby prize. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Our split went on for a year, he was having second thoughts about getting a divorce from me, but he never said the words I wanted to hear. Now this year, our divorce became final. I have just found out that they were engaged 2 weeks after our divorce, and they plan to marry next month. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have some questions: If he was planning to marry her all along, why did they go through with an abortion (if it really happened)? Since I was married to him half my adult life, I know how he reacts to emotionally charged ultimatums. I also would like to know how adoptive children behave in relationships, since my ex was adopted 40 years ago. It was a shock and I need to heal from all this and move on with my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Still Shaking</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Still Shaking,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Of course you’re still reverberating from all that you just suffered! You say you were married to this guy for half your adult life. Now give yourself some time to chill.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know you’re trying to understand what actually happened and why. But you’re asking the wrong questions. At this point in your growth, who cares why he decided to marry this woman, and whether and why they had an abortion?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Further, who cares about how his being adopted might have affected his cheataholism? The wisest thing you said was that you “need to heal from all this and move on.” I agree. Your concentration must be on yourself now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Toward that end, I think it would be worthwhile for you to get some counseling to understand your own role in the demise of this relationship. Could you have offered your ex-husband one “emotionally-charged” ultimatum too many? You certainly don’t want to substitute one bad marriage for another. Before you throw yourself into the dating pool, take the time to discover in which waters it is safest for you to swim.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda</span></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-40991490573858840692018-12-31T17:18:00.001-05:002019-01-03T16:36:39.957-05:00Lawyer Is A Master Relationship Manipulator <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha1XKQLRjaAH0wF2dt6lpUGQniNSumyzrEWO7oLy-8RZhjyrwHQGkjqYssZ7tG0fYkaoEuLrJR85QrjoikoHQ6t_Vvuat7tdN8YsSjiHFwA4ZVGfnsMcaj6iH_MdnmhLcuFCU0CDbumBo/s1600/bman.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="935" data-original-width="1490" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha1XKQLRjaAH0wF2dt6lpUGQniNSumyzrEWO7oLy-8RZhjyrwHQGkjqYssZ7tG0fYkaoEuLrJR85QrjoikoHQ6t_Vvuat7tdN8YsSjiHFwA4ZVGfnsMcaj6iH_MdnmhLcuFCU0CDbumBo/s400/bman.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>The next emailer is the epitome of attempted manipulation in an effort to make himself shine. Can you detect how?</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0in;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Q.</span></span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Dr. Gilda, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am a tax attorney, and last year, I remember thinking that it was the summer of my deceased mother-in-law. I had taken on the thankless job of working on her estate until it was settled that summer. The problems were ongoing, and I forever had to remain on top of everything for which I was not being paid. I reasoned that I was doing this for my wife of ten years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">After the paperwork was completed, although my wife did say thank you, it seemed that she accepted all I did as a matter of course, similar to my taking out the garbage. This summer, a similar thing happened. This time it became the summer of my stepdaughter, a college student. She did not do so well in one of her courses, and I took it upon myself to tutor her so she could have a second chance at a final exam. In return for my kindness, yes, she did thank me, but she also criticized my tutoring more than once, and often put her boyfriend before her schoolwork and studying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My wife and I have had a rocky relationship since we were married. During a recent heated argument, I lost my temper and screamed that I would not celebrate her birthday, and I would also not take her on our usual summer vacation. So now my wife has spitefully decided to go on vacation with her daughter, leaving me in the lurch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Robert<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A.</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Robert, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Is there a question somewhere embedded in your marital complaint? It appears that you want to be paid, thanked and loved to compensate for your rocky marriage. This is called “conditional giving,” and it goes against everything I stand for, teach, and write. If things you did for this family in the past had gone unappreciated, why do you continue doing more?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Did you undertake your actions so you could keep reminding them of your supposed benevolence? You say you were thanked by both your wife and her daughter, but you didn’t like the way they thanked you. That seems awfully controlling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">What exactly did you want them to do? In essence, no matter how anyone thanks you, it will never compensate for the fact that your marriage is in trouble and it needs either to be repaired or discarded. You say this discord has continued for 10 miserable years. Why would you prefer to browbeat this family instead of taking a stand to either stay, and make the relationship better, or leave in a dignified manner?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">To be blunt, you stay there as a tormentor because your own self-esteem is shaky, and you need to overpower others to feel better about yourself. Undoubtedly, your wife has shaky self-esteem, too, because she has also been willing to put up with this dance you’re both doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Appreciation must be earned through respectful communication devoid of screams and threats. Your nasty words are bullying tactics that cannot be withdrawn after they’re issued. Obviously, you raged at your wife one too many times, and she finally called your bluff. Actually, this may be a sign that she’s about to take a stand regarding the way things have been. I’m proud of her for taking care of herself, and providing the vacation that you threatened to withhold. Who do you think you are to punish an adult that way? No healthy grownup would allow herself to be tormented that way. At least one party in your marriage is becoming healthier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When you learn the nature of unconditional giving you’ll find how much more you can get in return, without having to growl, scowl, or intimidate. You’re apparently well versed in tax law. Now it’s time to do some graduate work in the law of reciprocity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<script src="//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-32575907119098282762018-12-07T13:35:00.000-05:002018-12-18T11:28:52.533-05:00Friends With Benefits -- If a Guy Isn’t Ready, He Isn’t Ready<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjesz3Da5qEzH3KG69SS-BzD3y7fMrHXbJKqkD405OUtJOKCIERRrdOuuV6T6WG3knqnB7CSqsX_ART2_-2O8JOMrxHIuRIXYegleern47xL93gaEpzTsHI-wR_gz-5Lkqmp5ofZHnJxng/s1600/NotReadyGuy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="670" data-original-width="1200" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjesz3Da5qEzH3KG69SS-BzD3y7fMrHXbJKqkD405OUtJOKCIERRrdOuuV6T6WG3knqnB7CSqsX_ART2_-2O8JOMrxHIuRIXYegleern47xL93gaEpzTsHI-wR_gz-5Lkqmp5ofZHnJxng/s400/NotReadyGuy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Dear Dr. Gilda,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">I am 26 and have been in a weird relationship for over a year. I met Steve when we worked together, before I was transferred out of the company. There was electricity between us, but we were each attached elsewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Months after not speaking, we met again at a club. From then on, we took turns texting each other every night at 1AM, but not going out. He had just ended his 2-year relationship, and I was out of mine. Months later, we bumped into each other again. This time we kissed for the first time. I later asked what he thought of me, and he said that after his long and painful relationship, he didn't want anything serious right now. So I let it slide and we continued texting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">We met up with each other again at a club for the third time and we kissed again. After that, for some reason, he refused to return my calls. I was in agony because I didn't know what I did wrong. Each day, I thought about him and hurt. I finally had my best friend text him, and ask why he stopped talking to me. He said he was angry because when his friend told me he was in the hospital, I laughed. He ended up being very sick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">A month later, he texted to say that despite his anger, he still had feelings for me. We continued to text, kiss at clubs, and he said he cared for me. Yet, he never asked me out! When I asked again what I meant to him, he said, "Why are you rushing this?" So I gave him still more time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">We continued to bump into each other at clubs, and sometimes even hooked-up. I wrote him a long text describing my feelings. After reading it, he finally did ask me out. But now I was angry at him because one night while he was drunk, he tried to pull down my top. I refused to talk to him for a month. He texted me from time to time to ask how I was doing, but I still harbored embarrassment and pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Finally, tired of wondering what I meant to him, I texted and asked him where we stood. He reiterated that he didn't want a girlfriend at this time. He also said I had some nerve not to talk to him for a month and then ask him that question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Later that year, it all began again: we’d bump into each other at a club and hooked-up. This time, he wouldn’t text me for a week at a time, and the conversations would be brief. Then we would hook up again at a club. This is getting on my nerves and I don't know what to think anymore. Is he playing mind games with me?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Ellie<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">A.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Dear Ellie:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">The first part of your email sounds like you care for a vulnerable man who needs time to heal after his breakup. You clearly heard what he told you and you agreed to wait. But then you became impatient, accusing him of mind games. It’s true, he’s sending mixed messages in saying he’s not ready for romance, yet participating in this flirtation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">What I don’t understand is your willingness to play this game. If a guy isn’t ready, he isn’t ready. Hooking-up with you won’t make him more ready for love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Steve has repeatedly told you he doesn’t want to get serious now, and his behavior supports his words. Are you so self-involved to think that you can change his mind?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Your pushiness is not only creating permanent damage for anything that might be possible in the future, but it may also be slowing Steve’s healing. You continue to offer him sex, and you continue to ask him where you stand. It upsets you that he hasn’t come around despite your seductiveness. You want to know he cares for you, yet, if you had his feelings at heart, you would follow his wishes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">How Steve treated you with your top is a blaring sign about where you stand, which is, sorry to say, nowhere. A man who cares for a woman doesn’t disrespect her with drunkenness and foul play. You thought that by showing your anger, you’d manipulate him into your heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">He’s right that you had some nerve not to talk to him and then to ask again where you stood. And you say that he’s the one playing games? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Get real! Steve is not interested in you as you’d like him to be. If you aren’t happy with the arrangement, find someone else. But if you continue to play similar games with a new guy, he will leave skid marks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">For now, you and Steve need a breather. Let him go and grow. Maybe someday, the two of you will meet again, ready for romance. But for now, it’s just electricity without the necessary sparks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Dr. Gilda<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<script src="//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-48445163268113580292018-10-18T18:53:00.000-04:002018-12-18T11:28:03.937-05:00At The End Of My Rope<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">Q.</span></div>
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Dear Dr. Gilda,</div>
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Everyone always seems to take advantage of my good nature. It’s as if I’m wearing a T-shirt inscribed with “Kick Me.” My kids are out of control, I can’t keep a nanny, and my sloppy, overweight ex-husband was having an affair until I kicked him out. I have my own business, but so many of my customers didn’t pay their bills, I had to recently declare bankruptcy. I’m at the end of my rope. What can I do?<br />
<br />
Cindy</div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">A.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Dear Cindy,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />As hard-hearted as this sounds, you are exactly where you want to be. You must examine what payoffs you’re reaping from each of your predicaments. Your inability to keep a nanny puts you in the position of having to play Super Mom, and thereby feel needed and in control. Your ex’s cheating got you off the hook to be a loving wife to a man you no longer find attractive. Your company’s bankruptcy made you financially more dependent on the alimony checks your ex would send, which is a way to get back at him for his infidelity.<br /><br />As you can see, each of these situations serves a purpose with an unusual payoff. When you decide that the pain you feel outweighs the payoff, you’ll be ready to change your circumstances.<br /><br />Dr. Gilda<br /><br />Do you agree with Dr. Gilda’s advice? Do you have your own? Share it in the comments below.</span></div>
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<script src="//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-50309739856214505082018-09-10T11:56:00.000-04:002018-09-10T12:15:48.974-04:00The Blueprint for the Interviewer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">There are 6 stages in the interview process. Learn to optimize each to derive maximum benefits.</span></b></div>
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Most people take interviewing skills for granted. Actually, the process is a dance initiated by one partner and followed by another, each taking turns as leader and follower. A successful employment interview requires refining the interactions of the communicators with careful preparations and protocols. The objective is for you and your applicant to arrive at a level of rapport that can glide into a mutually beneficial working relationship. Success for the applicant means getting the desired job offer; success for you means finding the most qualified candidate for the position.</div>
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It is to everyone’s benefit for a “fit” to occur among the applicant, the organization, and you. This fit should encompass 3 areas:</div>
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1. The candidate’s specific job-related skills and experience</div>
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2. His/Her general intelligence and aptitude</div>
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3. His/Her personality and attitude</div>
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Once the objectives are established, the interview can begin. The process consists of 6 specific stages, each evolving from the one before it. It is your responsibility as interviewer to orchestrate and control the setting, rhythm, pace, and timing of each stage.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Stage 1: Preparation</span></b></div>
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Josh was a well-qualified job applicant, one his interviewer wanted to court. He had traveled two hours to make this appointment, so he was naturally turned off by the interviewer’s casual question, “So…tell me about yourself” during this final interview after three previous successful ones. It was obvious the interviewer had not taken the time to peruse Josh’s resume before they met face-to-face. Now it seemed he wanted to engage in meaningless small talk to camouflage his lack of preparation. Although the interview got better over the next half hour, Josh vowed never to step foot into that company again. Everyone lost out.</div>
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Whenever you invite an applicant for an interview, consider him/her an honored guest. You have an obligation to prepare for that meeting and to make your guest feel welcome.</div>
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<i><b>Gilda-Gram® </b></i></div>
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<i><b>Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.</b></i></div>
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<i><b>Don’t waste everyone’s valuable time—and reputation—</b></i></div>
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<i><b>if your intention is not whole-hearted.</b></i></div>
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Preparation requires designing specific questions in advance, based on the candidate’s written credentials, to target appropriate information. Not only will such preparation save time, it will also impress the candidate about how you and your company value the people you work with.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Types of Questions to Ask</span></b></div>
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The questions you design may consist of either closed-ended or open-ended formats. Close-ended questions begin with words like, “Who?,” “When?,” “Where?,” “Which?,” “Are?,” and “Did?” These invite short or one-word responses, and therefore end an interaction before it begins. At that point, you may find yourself straining for other questions to prompt further discussion—which creates an uncomfortable and unprofessional atmosphere.</div>
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To keep conversation moving, prepare open-ended formats using, “How?,” “Why?,” and “In what way?” These encourage discussion and explanation. The more the candidate talks, the more you will learn about his/her talents and personality—and the better you will be able to make a judgment about him/her. Use the “two ears to one mouth” ratio: Listen to the candidate speak more than you do. Then formulate insights not only from the words s/he offers, but also from the feelings behind the words.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Plan specific questions around 3 types:</span></b></div>
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1) The Direct Question: This requests specific information in a straightforward manner.</div>
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<li>“How did your academic credentials at Carnegie Mellon prepare you for your last job as a civil engineer?”</li>
<li>“Which of your personal strengths do you think will be the most beneficial to the position you seek in our company?”</li>
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Open-ended formats are chosen to get the applicant to communicate freely. However, if the candidate rambles on for too long, interrupt with a closed-ended design, calling for a yes or no response.</div>
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2) The Indirect Question: Although it does not demand a direct answer, this is a statement that implies a question and encourages discussion.</div>
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<li>“I’m interested to know how your last position at Citibank prepared you for this position at our company.”</li>
<li>“You must have had little personal time while working during the day and attending graduate school at night.”</li>
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3) The Leading Question: This is a direct question indicating that a specific answer is preferred. But be careful! Because the respondent may be aware that you prefer only one right answer, his/her effort to preserve the relationship may preclude total honesty.</div>
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“Wouldn’t going to graduate school for 7 years motivate a person to finally get his degree?”</div>
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“Isn’t it unusual for a woman, so early in her career, to have had 3 major positions as Vice President?”</div>
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Always avoid the double question where two questions are asked in immediate succession. The double question confuses the applicant because one question is usually open, while the other is usually closed.</div>
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<li>“Where was your office? Was it far from here?”</li>
<li>“How would you handle a hostile employee? Would you let him get by for a while, or immediately confront his behavior?”</li>
<li>“Describe your boss’s functions. What was her title?”</li>
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While probing questions can reveal a candidate’s value to a company, avoid topics that violate the laws of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Subjects like religion, age, sex, and marital or family status, physical handicaps, arrest record, and financial affairs are taboo. Candidates these days are knowledgeable about the law, and could report you and your company for disobeying it.</div>
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When you set up the process with thoroughly prepared questions, the tone of the interview begins with seriousness and respect. Then the 5 steps that follow can flow naturally and productively.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Stage 2: Building Rapport During the First Few Minutes</span></b></div>
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Interviews are usually anxiety producing for most job applicants. You will get a better “read”’ of your guest’s employment potential by quickly putting him/her at ease and establishing rapport as soon as possible. This involves using simple social amenities through casual “schmoozing.”</div>
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Schmoozing is an art. It delicately determines how much further an interaction should go, while also setting the stage for the meat of the interview that follows. Small talk is not for the impatient interviewer; it takes time to pace your candidate through this seemingly inconsequential banter. But when your candidate is relaxed and at ease, your reward will be “free information” that reveals the true person you are conversing with, and his/her potential to fit into your organization. What you must do during this process is listen very carefully, to what is said, but especially to what is omitted.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">The small talk process involves 3 steps:</span></b></div>
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1) Exchange impersonal pleasantries about such topics as the weather or traffic. Avoid politics, religion, or sex, since they could lead to disagreement, thereby diverting the original reason for the interaction.</div>
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2) Pool common interests by discussing similar backgrounds and hobbies. You can easily establish this commonality after combing the applicant’s resume.</div>
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3) Open channels for further communication relevant to the interview. Be sure the topics include only three: you, the applicant, or the situation.</div>
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Talking about yourself rarely stimulates conversation. An applicant, nervous to begin with, will probably be at a loss as to how to respond to the stranger who is also an evaluator. In the same vein, initially discussing the applicant is likely to put him/her on the defensive, an uncomfortable way to begin. Therefore, the least anxiety-provoking topic for small talk is the position being applied for.</div>
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In discussing the position, once again choose from 3 approaches:</div>
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a) Voice an opinion.</div>
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b) State a fact.</div>
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c) Ask a question.</div>
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The first two possibilities, voicing an opinion or stating a fact, are just one-way communication, requiring no feedback from the applicant, and thereby providing you with no information. So the best way to stimulate conversation is the last possibility: ask a question. Just be sure that your question asking is purposeful. Consciously and specifically select from either closed-ended or open-ended formats to derive the information you need.</div>
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For example, these closed-ended formats, “Did you save your company money?” and “When did you institute your new system?” rapidly derived main facts from Alice who was interviewing for the job of Sales Manager. But that was as far as they went. Her response to the first question was “Yes,” and her response to the second was “Three years ago.” Period. In contrast, these open-ended formats, “How did you save your last company money?” and “Why did you institute a new system of cold calling?” filled the interviewer in on background details that had not been discussed earlier, while it also stimulated additional conversation.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Stage 3: Set the Structure of the Meeting</span></b></div>
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You, as orchestrator of this interview process, must let the applicant know the roadmap you will be following. When describing the structure of the interview, use the candidate’s name to sharpen rapport: “Pat (Do you mind if I use your first name?), our meeting this morning will last 45 minutes. It will be divided into two parts. In the first part, I want to learn about your work experience, academic credentials, and the personal strengths you can offer our company. In the second part, I would like to hear about your interest in our company and answer your questions. I hope you don’t mind that I will be taking notes on relevant details for my own records.” This preface shows the candidate that you have a specific blueprint that you’re following, and it also lets him/her know that you have already invested time in getting to know him/her, at least on paper through his/her resume.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Stage 4: Information-Gathering</span></b></div>
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Now that you have targeted specific questions during the preparatory steps, it is time to gather the details you need.</div>
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Too many interviewers talk more than they listen, and they come away with too little information on which to base a fair decision. You may use any or all of the methods of questioning described above, provided the focus remains on the candidate and not you. You need to ensure the applicant’s full involvement in the process. Involving him/her requires the use of the 80/20 Rule, talking only 20 percent of the time, while listening 80 percent. While applying this Rule, choose from any or all of the following 4 strategies for Active Listening:</div>
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1) The Mm-Hm Response: This regulates the give-and-take of conversation as you signal that the applicant still has the floor. Your response may be nonverbal (head nodding) or verbal (“Mm-hm, I see;” “That’s interesting;” “Really?”). Research has shown that interviewers who ask questions that last 5 or 6 seconds usually get responses in the 30- to 40-second range. But those who use the Mm-Hm Response increase candidates’ replies to 50 to 60 seconds.</div>
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The Mm-Hm Response not only encourages increased candidate reaction; it also gives you additional time to consider the response before deciding to probe more before continuing to the next question.</div>
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2) Restatement of the Content: Repeat or summarize statements expressed by the respondent. This Restatement confirms your understanding of what the speaker said, while also inviting him/her to clarify misperceived information.</div>
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3) Reflection of Feelings: Verbalize your perception of the emotions expressed by the applicant: “It seems, Robert, that when you speak about your last position, you become upset.” Or, “You appear to have enjoyed your last management position.” This Active Listening strategy invites the candidate to expand on what s/he said, and/or clarify your perceptions.</div>
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4) Use of Silence: It is up to you as the interview orchestrator not to fill each moment of silence with idle chatter. The respondent needs time to process your questions and to organize thoughts to frame an answer. Even after s/he has responded to your last question, allow about 6 seconds for him/her to digest the content.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Stage 5: Sell the Position, Sell the Company</span></b></div>
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Once your candidate has demonstrated potential as a future employee, you will want to promote the organization to entice him/her to work there. One of your candidate’s outstanding qualities will probably be his/her obvious effort made before the interview to discover the company’s strong points. Continue your role as gracious host by asking if s/he has further questions about the company that have not already been answered. Review the advantages the company offers, and invite him/her to tour the operation and to meet with and talk to people who may be future colleagues. Also provide a packet of materials about the company to give him/her. Because you have Actively Listened to your candidate’s needs and motives, shape your sales pitch to what you think is important to him/her.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Stage 6: The Close</span></b></div>
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This last stage should end on a note of good will. If the candidate is not right for the job, still finish the interview on a positive note. An applicant treated equitably may recommend another applicant better suited for the position. Or, at least, s/he will not speak ill of the organization or you. Believe it or not, you may find yourself in a similar position of job seeking somewhere down the road, and may need to draw on your good reputation built years earlier.</div>
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Tom had experienced a very difficult interview process from a man who seemed to dislike him from the moment he walked in the door. The interviewer was less than gracious, and his snide personal remarks caused Tom to end the interview abruptly, nonetheless leaning over and extending his hand, as he said, “Thank you for your time. I don’t think this is the job for me.” Then he left. That might have been the end of the story, but about 6 years later, Tom, now a Vice President of a huge conglomerate, was in the position of interviewing candidates himself for one of his assistants. He almost fell over when the nasty man who had interviewed him years earlier walked into his office as one of the applicants. Although Mr. Nasty’s credentials on paper were impeccable, the memory of the experience Tom had had with him killed any hope of the pair engaging in a future together.</div>
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As your candidate prepares to leave, map out the next steps that will be taken, and how soon your company will contact him/her.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #990000;">The Real Meaning Behind the Interview</span></b></div>
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The aim of the interview is to get at crucial information as quickly as possible to determine a candidate’s employment potential at your firm.</div>
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<i><b>Gilda-Gram® </b></i></div>
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<i><b>Interviews are merely formalized conversations.</b></i></div>
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The better equipped you are at probing for key data, the more adept you will be as a communicator. Communication is a skill that must be continuously developed and sharpened. Most importantly, it is a skill that cuts across all aspects of your life to reward you beyond just the interview process.</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-69787422497021536872018-09-09T17:26:00.000-04:002018-12-18T11:29:30.954-05:00Hurt & Crying<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 0in;">Dear Dr. Gilda, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 0in;">After 2 years of being alone, I met a man online. We hit it off right away, and laughed and talked every day. He told me upfront, "I'm married, so don't expect anything." I respected him for putting it out there right away, and not leading me on. We spoke for about 2 months online, each day’s conversations getting longer and longer. Finally, I asked if we could talk on the phone. He gave me his work number, and I called him at lunch and we spoke there. Our conversations lengthened. When he got home from work, we'd talk for hours.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One day we arranged to meet. Things heated up immediately, and we ended up sleeping together. I felt terrible and guilty. He told me how unhappy he was in his marriage, which I had figured out earlier, since he spent most of his time chatting with me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> I tried to help, telling him to seek counseling, and suggesting that he and his wife go on a romantic vacation. He said he had been married for 12 years, since he was 20 years old. I suggested he just leave instead of pretending. He agreed. At the time, I was interested in another guy, and even considered moving to be closer to him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This guy said he was falling in love with me. When I told him of the possibility that I may be moving to be closer to this other man, he said he wanted a "chance." I said, "If you just want to have sex with no strings, let’s do that.” He insisted, “No, I want to date."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While we dated, he separated from his wife, and a month before he moved out, he asked me to move in. He said, "I want you here. I even have a space for your computer next to mine." He introduced me to his mother. We spent a great week together, and then he drove me home.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Five days later, out of the blue, he suddenly announced, "I need space. I feel like I got out of one marriage, and now I'm in another." That killed me. Even worse, he said, "I knew I was going to do this." Stunned and heartbroken, I asked, "Did you ever love me?" He seemed choked up when he answered, "Yes, that's what makes this so hard."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That was the last we ever spoke. Why did he do this? I'm so confused. I never pushed for the relationship; HE did. I never asked to move in; HE insisted. What happened?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: 0in;"><i>Hurt & Crying</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Hurt & Crying,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">You were alone for 2 years and feeling lonely. Your vulnerability clearly showed—and was unconsciously detected by your new guy who was similarly lonely in his marriage. You were surely not thinking straight to imagine this guy would seamlessly waltz out of his marriage and into la-la land with you. He, too, was not thinking straight. Two lonely people who react emotionally, rather than rationally, end up tangled and in trouble. </span></div>
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<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Gilda-Gram®</span></b></u></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">We attract who we are. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you’re unconscious, </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">you’ll attract unconscious partners.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For the future, plot your desires and fulfill your own personal goals, so you won’t feel the need to react to words of love that temporarily fill a void. It was surely a painful way to get there, but you’re wiser now. Vow that your next love will be with someone well grounded, and that it will be based on more than superficial and empty promises. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dr. Gilda</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #343434; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #343434; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Do you agree with Dr. Gilda’s advice? Do you have your own? Share it in the comments below.</span></span></span></div>
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<script src="//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-46249193848297744102018-08-19T21:35:00.002-04:002018-09-09T21:34:41.527-04:003 Musts for Stress-Free Work<div style="text-align: center;">
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While speaking before a woman’s forum, I was handed this saying: “A woman is like a teabag—you never know how strong she is until you get her in hot water.” Women have the reputation of being steel magnolias. But actually, if we are really so strong, why are we the major consumers of antacids? Why don’t we admit to being “angry,” instead of politely saying we’re “depressed” or “hurt”? <br />
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Depression is anger turned inward, directed at us by ourselves. That’s not strength at all; it’s passivity. The result of not achieving the success you long for causes stress—which can ultimately kill you. <br />
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Women are not alone in needing help in handling stress. More and more men are seeking me out for stress management techniques. At work, men and women alike are told that to get ahead is to get along. They think they should swallow their tongue, and swallow their Tums. Swallow and wallow. <br />
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At home, many people follow the same routine. According to the University of Michigan School of Public Health, swallowing your emotions can be dangerous. Their study found that swallowing anger toward a mate can double a person’s risk of premature death. <br />
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The “Don’t make waves” mantra at the office causes most people to follow the formula for peacemaking, pleasing, and placating. But that notion denies and defies their individuality. Ignoring who you are is painful and stressful. We don’t need the advice of self-help gurus and shrinks to tell us that most of us have difficulty confronting. For years, Oprah Winfrey admitted confrontation is one of her own greatest flaws. <br />
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How can we mortals get our emotions out, clear our thoughts, cleanse our consciences, and win respect? Follow the 3 Musts for a Stress-Free Life. This prescription mandates that we must respond to life’s crises, rather than react to them. It won’t happen automatically all the time, but it certainly will happen when you remember what the necessary ingredients are. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Must #1 </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">I SHALL EMPOWER MYSELF.</span></b></div>
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Many years ago, Gloria Steinem said that people waste too much time waiting for someone to take charge of their lives. While I was running a Management Optimization Seminar attended by mostly male executives, the managers bemoaned their boss for not promoting them and giving them raises. <br />
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When I asked whether their boss knew about their discontent, they said, “He should know!” <br />
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In reality, not one of them had shared their goals and aspirations with this superior. Time is life. Don’t wait for someone to come along and give you a job, a raise, a promotion, or a break. Take the reins yourself. <br />
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We all have natural power. Look the part, feel the part, and be willing to discuss what you want. Project a Power Image™, which is the name of a very popular workshop I have conducted around the country. Empowered people demonstrate control over their lives—and attract people who help them achieve it. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Must #2 </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">I WILL NEVER BE LIKED</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">IF I CAN’T RISK BEING DISLIKED.</span></b></div>
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Most people want respect, but have trouble giving up their need to be liked. Multitasking aside, most of us can only do one thing effectively at a time. If you’re trying to accomplish a particular goal, forget whether people will approve or disapprove. Pursue the goal on your own, and gain respect for having achieved it when it’s done. <br />
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The success sequence mandates respect first, and liking later. Risk being disliked, and state what makes you happy. You are entitled to your own feelings. If you require support, tell people honestly, “I need . . .,” “I want . . .,” “I feel . . ..” <br />
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It’s not a diminution of self to request backup. Whichever people in your life won’t honor your goals are actually doing you a big favor, because they’re clearly letting you know you can’t count on them. And you can gracefully move on. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Must #3 </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">WHAT I ACCEPT, I TEACH.</span></b></div>
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If you accept poor treatment from a boss or colleagues, you teach these people that it’s okay to continue disregarding you. Confront adversity as soon as it strikes. As writer Somerset Maugham said, “When we refuse to accept anything but the very best, we very often get it.” <br />
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Power is as power does. Power does as power feels. Power feels as power thinks. THINK these 3 musts, and ingrain them in your conscious mind. Then watch how your thoughts affect others’ actions toward you. <br />
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What you give out, you’ll get back. As you garner more recognition for your hard work, your stress will lessen, and you’ll extend your life! What greater reward could you ask for? <br />
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<script src="//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-56543493267553798402018-08-16T14:30:00.000-04:002018-12-18T11:30:11.231-05:00Help! I Haven't Dated in 5 Years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Q.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />This is so embarrassing! My divorce was in 2013, and life got in the way of me building a relationship. I've never had a date since then. I don’t want to live alone, but I feel I have been out of the game for too long to jump back in. Help! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">—Old Dog Needing New Tricks</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">A.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Dear Old Dog,<br /><br />What’s so embarrassing about taking a break from love? What’s so shameful about attending to life’s demands?<br /><br />Girl, let’s change your sign-off to “Sleeping Beauty.” Your slumber lasted only 5 years, while the princess in the fairy tale slept for a century! Her story teaches that it’s never too late to find a patient prince. My book cautions, <a href="https://amzn.to/2MsiU2U" target="_blank">“Don’t Bet on the Prince!”<img alt="" border="0" height="0" id="amznPsBmPixel_8817628" src="https://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?source=bk&t=drgildaweb18-20&bm-id=default&l=ktl&linkId=1be7ff15af9c487a154ce40cf85037e2&_cb=1534444075751" style="border: none !important; height: 0px !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important; width: 0px !important;" width="0" /></a> to whom you surrender your soul, but definitely, still seek one to love. Your hiatus gave you time for interior design, and now you’re romance-ready.<br /><br />Mingle! The one who cares the least has the power, so flaunt your wares without a care. This is your first shell-hatching exercise. It will scare you a little—but excite you a lot. All you need do is reflect that excitement, and you’ll be a magnet for suitors. <br /><br />—Dr. Gilda<br /><br />Do you agree with Dr. Gilda’s advice? Do you have your own? Share it in the comments below.</span><br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-52444639086714164812018-08-01T14:47:00.001-04:002018-08-16T15:42:02.960-04:00Dr. Gilda's 10 Relationship Red Flags<br />
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Because so many people have asked for this, I have devised a Cheataholic Checklist that consists of 10 unusual Relationship Red Flags that can signal oncoming danger. This Checklist ignites your brain’s 120-millisecond mechanism that warns that you have fallen for one of these Relationship Red Flags in the past. All you need to do is listen to what your brain tells you!</div>
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Of course, relationships are comprised of people, and people change their behavior and their wishes often. So warning signs that apply to every situation and every personality every time won’t be the same for everyone. However, there are some general guidelines that people can follow to determine a ready-to-betray mate. Even if that person is already your partner, examining these guidelines can foster understanding and discussion towards graceful conflict resolution. I believe in taking restorative healing steps before the opportunity to apply them disappears.<br />
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It’s easier to leave a cheataholic in the short term than to become more deeply involved with one over a long and painful haul, only having to exit later. Similarly, it’s easier to re-ignite the sparks of passion gone astray than it is to wend your way back from a devastating betrayal.<br />
Whether or not they choose to act on what they discover, partners can easily detect the signs of a cheataholic—if they only open their eyes.<br />
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Some signs are blatant, but a partner must still be willing to acknowledge that something is out of whack. Obvious signs consist of the mundane: the passenger seat in the car moved out of its usual position, evidence of a new post office box, hairs of a different color found on clothing, the smell of cigarette smoke or perfume, and hushed telephone calls and secret emails. If you feel your partner has pulled away even somewhat, the next step is to investigate why. While these obvious signs just mentioned are pretty common, there are other Red Flags that may or may not be so clear.<br />
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The following Cheataholic Checklist consists of 10 not-so-obvious Relationship Red Flags. This list will alert you to some warning traits you might not so readily observe. As you will see, these 10 were derived from burning questions from my clients and readers. When you recognize how your poor treatment is affecting your emotional well being, you will begin to acknowledge many other Red Flags.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;"><u>
Relationship Red Flags</u></span></h3>
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1. Your Partner Keeps You and Your Relationship a Secret<br />
2. Your Partner is Emotionally Absent<br />
3. Your Partner Savors “Exotic” Sex, But Never Shares These Fantasies with You<br />
4. Your Partner’s Family and Friends Have a History of Cheating<br />
5. Your Partner Wants You with No Strings Attached<br />
6. Your Partner Admits to Cheating and Justifies the Betrayal<br />
7. Your Partner has Never Been without a Mate<br />
8. You Partner Craves Constant Attention<br />
9. Your Partner is a Game Player<br />
10. Your Partner Brags about Previous Conquests<br />
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<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "Open Sans"; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;">Do you agree with Dr. Gilda’s advice? Do you have your own? Share it in the comments below.</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com</span></h3>
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<script src="//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6527438399179377614.post-7773893709261110572018-07-31T14:38:00.001-04:002018-08-16T15:42:46.171-04:005 Most Bizarre Ways to Leave Your Lover<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Crimes of passion are rampant, and cuckolded partners don’t
usually leave quietly. Here are five unconventional criminal ways real partners
chose to use the exit door.<br />
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<b>1. Put Your Cheater’s Apparatus Out of Commission</b></h4>
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Oshkosh, Wisconsin: Donessa Taylor was a ladies’ man.
Married to a woman with whom he was already enjoying hot sex wasn’t enough. So
he found gullible prey who’d look the other way when he’d cancel dates, assume
different aliases, become evasive, and lustily admire other bait.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Unfortunately for Donessa, four of his paramours AND his
wife simultaneously discovered his promiscuity. Rather than individually
confront him, the ladies chose to rally the strength of their numbers. One
invited him to a hotel room with the promise of carnal fun. When he arrived,
she blindfolded him and tied him down — which he found hotly appealing. But all
five women suddenly descended into the bedroom with a herd mentality,
confronted the lothario, and applied nail glue to a place that only a graphic representation
could adequately depict.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Moral: Because anger isn’t a lovely display for nice girls,
they are left to craft a shrewder expression of their wrath in the gotcha game
of cheating. Donessa’s ladies wanted to take this cheater out of commission, and
also let him know what he could do with himself. If you stick it to a woman,
she might just stick it to you!<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was the Relationship Expert on the Valentine’s Day Special,
“50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” on Investigation Discovery, where I examined such bizarre lover-leaving tactics.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>2. Have Sex with Your Lover, Then Kill Him</b></h4>
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Mesa, Arizona: As a virtuous Mormon on the outside, then
30-year-old Travis Alexander privately enjoyed a five-month tryst with
32-year-old Jodi Arias. Their relationship intensified as the pair exchanged
82,000 emails, and Jodi converted to the Mormon faith.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But relationships built solely on sex are shaky. Soon Travis
called Jodi a “slut” and “whore,” and accused her of using him as “a dildo with
a heartbeat” — yet they continued having sex. He said “Stay out of my life
forever” — yet they continued having sex.<o:p></o:p></div>
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When Travis began dating another girl, he suspected Jodi was
behind his car’s slashed tires, his Facebook account’s hacking, and his new
girlfriend’s anonymous, harassing emails. Friends of Travis said he complained
Jodi was stalking him, and he even eerily suggested that if he showed up dead,
Jodi should be interrogated.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sometimes, after sex, female black widow spiders violently
kill and eat their mates, which is how they get their name. Although she didn’t
devour him, Jodi is now accused of stabbing him 27 times, slitting his throat
ear to ear, and shooting him in the head. Maybe eating him might have been
kinder!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Moral: The downside of a “friends-with-benefits” arrangement
is reflected in the strength of the bonding hormone, oxytocin. This chemical
draws lovers closer, but there’s also evidence that it promotes suspicion of
outsiders and aggressive behavior. If you choose to enter such a “friendship,”
negotiate in advance the “benefits” you expect to derive. Then hope you
continue to believe it’s all worth it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<h4>
<b>3. Smother Your Man with Mother’s Milk</b></h4>
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Everett, Washington: 50-year-old Donna Lange was 5 foot 6
inches tall and weighed 192 pounds. Her less meaty 51-year-old boyfriend was 5
foot 7 inches tall and weighed 175 pounds. Raging that her boyfriend’s
ex-girlfriend was inside their motor home, and loaded with alcohol and
marijuana, she began a violent fight with her guy, disregarding his heart condition.
Lange threw him down and proceeded to smother him to death with her huge
breasts. She was found passed out on top of him, her chest devouring his face,
while he grasped a fistful of her hair. Authorities surmise he tried to fight
her off him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Moving the woman was difficult because of her size, but at
the hospital to which she was finally taken, she said she loved the victim, was
sorry for his death, and explained that they had been shacking up for only a
month. Lange could face a second-degree manslaughter rap.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Moral: Guys, if you’re a “breast man,” your predilection may
actually become your booby trap!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<h4>
<b>4. Leave Your Wife to Have a Child with Her Friend</b></h4>
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Dallas, North Carolina: Tabatha Johnson and Wade Logeais had
a lot in common when they met: hot sex, foamy beer, speedy NASCAR, and truck
stop trysts. Tabatha was a stripper, which titillated Wade, and the pair became
inseparable as they traveled the country for Wade’s truck deliveries. Soon they
decided to marry and begin having the many children Wade wanted.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Studies show that strippers accentuate their physical
attributes above all else, while their personal relationships suffer. After
giving birth a few times, Tabatha longed to prove she still rocked. She
returned to stripping, but now, Wade The Loyal Husband objected to this
profession for his wife. Tabatha rebelled by going out, staying out, drinking,
drugging, and leaving her husband alone with the kids, which erupted in
ferocious fights.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tabatha tried to repair the damage by bringing strippers
home to Wade. Eighty-five percent of males fantasize a ménage a trois, but only
six percent get their wish. Wade might have been coined a “lucky guy,” but he now
wanted a traditional marriage.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The couple reasoned that another kid would do the trick.
Tabatha negated having one more pregnancy, and since she and Wade were
accustomed to threesomes, they asked Patty, a woman from their trailer park, to
become the baby mama. Like a disposable diaper, Patty agreed to discard the
baby into Tabatha’s care.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Investigation Discovery’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”
shows how this plan backfired when Wade fell in love with the other woman.
Tabatha put an icepick in her husband’s face, left the scene, and Wade and
Patty married. However, like all ill-conceived unions, within a few years,
Patty ran off, and left Wade alone — with the large family he always wanted.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Moral: As the Relationship Expert on this show, I explain my
Gilda-Gram™: “We always carry our battered luggage into our next new home.”
Unload your rusty gear before trying to re-start the same engine!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<h4>
<b>5. Ignite Your Love Nest</b></h4>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
New York City: Forty-five-year-old Wei Chu Wu was furious at
this wife, Yan He Zheng, the mother of his 13-year-old son, whom he believed
was cheating on him. As the two engaged in angry argument, Wu set fire to their
entire apartment building. The five-alarm flames engulfed all the floors,
killed one of the building’s residents, and injured seven firefighters. But the
real object of Wu’s wrath, his wife, escaped with their son.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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A neighbor remarked that his child played with Wu’s child in
the park, and they “seem like a normal family.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Moral: Seemingly “normal” people can snap. Be careful whose
emotions you’re likely to incite, because crimes of passion are irrational and
they can be deadly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are many more than 50 ways to leave a bad situation,
and the thought of getting revenge can be deliciously sweet—at first. But
before deciding on what you want to do to get even with someone who betrayed
you, take a chill pill. As bad as your lover was, a murder rap or an
incarceration will be worse!<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
Do you agree with Dr. Gilda’s advice? Do you have your own? Share it in the comments below.<div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Dr. Gilda is the media’s Go-To-Relationship Expert. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University, & hosts TBN TV shows. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Galderma, etc. She is a keynote speaker, Performance Coach, and author of 17 books. She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner,“Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah.</div>DR. GILDA CARLEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15336401607011675864noreply@blogger.com0