PEN PAL OR DATE?
By
DR. GILDA CARLE
Courtesy of
Match.com’s Happen Magazine
http://www.happenmag.com
“Enough
with the emails, already!! Get off
the proverbial pot and ask me out!!”
Dear
Dr. Gilda,
I
recently started online dating after my 20-year marriage ended. I’ve
corresponded with and met many men, but none that could hold my interest —
until a month ago, when this fellow responded to my profile and we’ve been
emailing since.
I
am very interested in meeting this man, but he has not asked me out yet. I
think it is very unusual not to meet after a month of corresponding. He’s 50,
has never been married, has had three live-in arrangements in 26 years, and
recently came out of a relationship. His profile stated that he is looking for
an independent woman, a friend to meet occasionally because of a very busy
schedule, and that he values “personal space.” He has hidden his profile since
we’ve started chatting. We have had a fabulous email exchange and he sent me
pictures. I’ve questioned whether he’s ready for a relationship, and he
admitted to wanting some time off for now. He said he assumes we’ll meet
sometime when “time allows.”
I
feel that because he has not asked to meet that he’s just not interested, but
why does he even bother to still correspond? Is he still working out some of
his issues, or am I living on another planet? I would like the chance to know
him better. He answers my personal questions honestly, I think, but I don’t
want to push the issue. Besides, I think we should begin slowly as friends. I
want to give him space and time, but I don’t want to be a fool either. How much
time should I allow before asking that we meet?
Need Some Answers
Dear
Need Some Answers,
On
screen, it’s easy for a writer to say anything and for a reader to believe she
is receiving honest responses. But only over time and through face-to-face
interaction will a person discover the truth.
It
seems this guy has issues with permanent commitment. Although he’s lived with
three women over 26 years, he never “sealed the deal” in matrimony. Is this the
reason he “holds your interest?” As my Gilda-Gram says, “People like people
like themselves.” If you are reaching out to a “distancer,” it’s probable that
you want someone who is not emotionally available due to your own “suddenly
single” status and the period of transition you are going through as you adjust
to your new life. This is typical behavior for someone recently out of a
marriage. Yet, while you may prefer somewhat evasive behavior in a date at this
time, you also worry that “he’s just not interested” — it’s also typical to
emerge from a lengthy marriage with insecurities like this.
Know
that your rational mind is assessing this guy just as he is: not ready for a
relationship at this time. He out-and-out told you he wants some time off.
Don’t take it personally. You’re doing that female thing that psychoanalyzes a
guy as possibly still working out his issues. When you’re dating, it’s
important to remember that what you see is what you get.
This
guy may be adept at meaningful modem chatter, but he’s not ready to take his
e-notes live. He implied that, he told you that, and his history suggests he
may never be ready. For now, let it — and him — go! I agree that
after enough back-and-forth writing, the next steps are to speak on the phone
and then meet. In fact, when a person is interested, he will push for a
meeting. Since this man is perfectly content to be your pen pal, you can tell
him that you’d like to get to know him better by meeting him. Say that when his
schedule does allow, he should let you know. In the meantime, as far as this
dude is concerned, your favorite four-letter word should now be, “Next!”
Love,
Dr. Gilda
XXX
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is the
internationally known Relationship Expert to the Stars. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA”
advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor
of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,”
a test question on “Jeopardy,” NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptions
for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats,
and many more. She
was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas,"
featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his
mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is
the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to
Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing
her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her
Instant Advice!
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