CAN SENIORS FIND LOVE?
An “ASK DR. GILDA” Column
By
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)
Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine
http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396
Dear
Dr. Gilda,
As
a widower, I thought I wouldn’t have much use for a dating site, but my kids
have finally convinced me to try online dating. Yet, after looking at a few
sites, it seems that all of them have similar styles and don’t show the
detailed information a man my age would care about. I’m 69 now and frankly, I’m
lonely and the biography of the person is more important than the picture,
although I would like to see both. In fact, I can find nothing that gives
detailed information about a person’s goals in her senior years. Important
information concerning how and if the woman wants to live with her chosen man
are left out to make room for a bunch of boxes to check that have no meaning to
me. Who cares about swimming? I’m too old to do anything but laugh at the sections
about kids and sports and whatnot. To be honest, I don’t even care about sex.
The most important thing to me is companionship and sharing my later years with
a loving friend. How does a man my age find like-minded women without wasting
time on these questions that don’t apply to seniors? Or is there a good senior
dating site out there I don’t know about? Thank you.
Leonard, Lost
Dear
Lost Leonard,
Your
question stomps its foot and screams, “I’m lonely and I want to skip the
getting-to-know-you formalities and find a woman TO LIVE WITH ME NOW!” Hey,
Lost Leonard: quick rushes reflect a sense of desperation and worthy women want
to feel special. By not vetting a partner properly, you could end up with
someone who would cause you heartache. If you think you’re lonely now, your
misery will expand tenfold with a terrible romantic mismatch!
I
wonder if the reason you say you’re “Lost” is because you’re depressed without
your wife. Depressed people are depressing people to be around.
Perhaps you’d benefit from counseling to change your “Lost” mindset to one that
is “Found” — and, incidentally, far more attractive to the opposite sex.
Dating
involves meeting and greeting potential long-term mates. I’m sorry that you’ll
have to put yourself out there that way, but it seems your only concern is your
need for a quick love fix, even if it’s just friendship. You’ve got to show a
woman you care about her and her interests.
So
you actually need those (seemingly meaningless) “bunch of boxes” on the dating
profiles you detest. They categorize people so you can find a partner who
shares your favorite pastimes and outlook on life. While you might not enjoy
swimming, someone else who does would appreciate knowing this information in
advance. What do you think the “companionship” you’re seeking is based on? It’s
mutual interests, Lost Leonard — mutual interests that you can both
enjoy together! The “bunch of boxes” to which you object is where singles
indicate these interests — and it would be a good idea for you to explore them.
And
you don’t need a woman’s entire detailed biography to identify interesting
partners. Online, singles offer generalities to eliminate security concerns and
also to optimize the potential for dating adventure. Yes, dating IS an adventure
where you can explore many possibilities, share your lifestyle preferences and
judge who fits you best romantically.
This
is what I recommend you do now:
•.
Define what YOU consider to be good “companionship” activities.
Is it playing cards together, going to movies, taking walks, traveling, or
what? Describe these activities in your profile.
•.
Consider the meaning of the word “fun” and make it part of your entire
attitude.
•.
Post your profile on a large and popular dating site that offers
plenty of different women to choose from while you’re looking for possible
matches.
•.
Fill in those categorical boxes you hate knowing they are meant
to assist you in finding not just any person, but the RIGHT person for
you.
•.
Steer clear of telling women what you don’t like,
regardless of whether it’s swimming or sex. Negativity is a turn-off to seniors
anxious to optimize their golden years. Instead, enumerate what you DO enjoy so
you can attract like-minded ladies.
The
dating interests seniors have may be different from those of younger people,
obviously. But the key to any successful romance lies in using a great deal of
scrutiny during the selection process. As my Gilda-Gram advises, “Don’t pursue
happiness. LIVE IT!” What you project, your dates will reflect. Be
discriminating at the start and wisely select the RIGHT partner for you. That’s
the fun of dating!
Love,
Dr. Gilda
XXX
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is
an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship expert, and product
spokesperson. She is Match.com’s
“ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music
Doctor, with her “Country
Cures.” She is a motivational
speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the
well-known “Don’t Bet
on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” NOW IN ITS SECOND
EDITION, 99 Prescriptions
for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats,
and many more. She
was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas,"
featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his
mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is
the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to
Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing
her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her
Instant Advice!
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