Why Is He STILL Online and Looking?
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)
Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine
Dear Dr. Gilda,
I met a wonderful man online three months ago. I have since deleted all my dating profiles on different sites, but his profiles are still up and running and not only that, I can tell that he accesses them every day. I have thought of confronting him, but am afraid that if I do, he will leave me.
We have had a wonderful relationship during these 3 months; he has told me that he loves me and is even talking about us moving in together. I asked if he was serious about us, and he said yes. I asked him if we are in a committed relationship, and he said yes. He told me, “You don’t have to worry about me seeing other women. I don’t do that because I know how much it hurts.”
He is spending almost all his free time with me. Now I would like to find a way to ask him to stop going online to chat with other women, but I don’t want to lose him. What should I do?
In Love and Guarded
Dear In Love and Guarded,
There is something fundamentally unhealthy about being in love and being on guard. What kind of love is it where you can’t be yourself, where you need to walk on eggshells, where you can’t share your feelings, or where you doubt whether you can trust your mate? Is this really how you’d like to live and love? It’s certainly not the basis on which to cohabitate.
This guy’s words are what you want to hear, but his actions online (where you can see them) paint a different canvas. Girl, if you’re not prepared to tell him what you found, you’re not ready to be with him. Relationships are about honesty!
It upsets me that you live in fear that this man will leave you. Will you twist yourself into a pretzel so that he’ll stay around? If so, he’ll be missing your authentic self, and he’ll soon tire of the fake you that you’ve become. And you’ll be cheating the union just to hang onto a man. Sorry, but the only road to travel down is Honesty Drive.
Your insecurity is glaring, and frankly, it’s a turnoff. You say, “I asked if he was serious about us, and he said yes. I asked him if we are in a committed relationship, and he said yes.” You’re spending too much effort classifying and categorizing the relationship and begging for love while he’s at least still looking.
This is what I suggest:
1. Slow down the pace. Three months is too short a time to be talking about lasting love and cohabitation. He’s not ready, and you’re too insecure.
2. Change your approach by ending the “Do-You-Love-Me?” lyrics. As my Gilda-Gram says, “Discover the truth about your relationship now rather than cry about your discovery later.”
3. Take a course in assertiveness. Embrace your power, and make the cat-and-mouse games you’ve played earlier an activity of your past.
ReRelationships with others allow us to look at ourselves. Girl, chill out! Consider how much growth you are about to experience as you confront your feelings. Take a deep breath and relax as you embrace this wonderful epiphany. And then, allow the wind to take you where you need to grow.
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship expert, and product spokesperson. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!