IN THE GAME OF LOVE, WHO SHOULD PURSUE?
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)
Hi, Readers & Fans,
I get hundreds of questions on this topic! When you’re interested in someone, how hard should you pursue? Or does that depend on whether you’re male or female? Is dating just a game? I’m anxious to get your responses.
Dating again after a difficult divorce, one woman says she’s always the one to initiate contact! Should she wait for the man to reach out?
Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine
Dear Dr. Gilda,
After a long and hard divorce, I’ve been dating a guy for about three weeks now. We seem very compatible and I enjoy talking to him and being in his company. The problem I’m having is that the first communication of the day always seems to come from me. Should I stop texting him or calling him and let him contact me first? If I text him, he’ll text me back and it starts a conversation between us and then he’ll usually call me, but I’m always the one that initiates it. What should I do? He says he really likes me, but I don’t want to seem desperate.
Ina the Initiator
Hi, Initiating Ina,
In the dating duet, be sure you’re not angling for the job of Chief Communications Officer! Since you’re new to the singles scene, learn now that it’s not your job to singlehandedly keep in touch with all prospective beaus. Do you think men are too digitally challenged to find you by themselves? Give these guys some credit! As my Gilda-Gram says, “Impatient love accelerates its delay.”
What if this man doesn’t initiate contact and you don’t hear from him — for a while, or at all? What would be your loss? After only three weeks of communication, the two of you are first learning each other’s information exchange patterns. This is the time when expectations are set in place. Be careful not to lay any groundwork you already dislike, because these early moves can determine how a “date” will treat you if he becomes your “mate.” By always being the aggressor, you “tell” this potential lover not to pursue you, since you’ll quickly pick up his slack. The problem is that you’re already unhappy with this setup!
Men are hunters. What’s the good of knowing this fact if we don’t apply it to our dating lives? Sure, a guy adores a woman who lets him know that he’s special. Both genders benefit from being stroked. But many of my male clients complain that after awhile, they feel smothered by their women. So admittedly, it’s a strange dance: at the start, a woman can communicate she cares, but she can’t communicate she cares too much! Is this playing games? What do you think?
As a social scientist, I assess pop-culture trends and make recommendations for healthy moves amongst them. When asked about the best dating strategies, I tell everyone to avoid any antics. In my book, Don’t Bet on the Prince! I recommend that women invest their passions back into their own lives. The hunter increasingly appreciates the prize he’s working to win, while a woman who enriches herself is truly a prize! Certainly, contact this guy occasionally if you’d like to do so. But your number-one priority — especially post-divorce — should always be YOU. Self-caring women quash any notion of appearing “desperate,” which is the quality you say you fear.
Although you won’t earn 3 credits for this course, dating is a subject you must study, practice, and ultimately can pass if you want to graduate to the level of a committed, loving relationship. Answers about who should make the first move will unfold organically when you feel secure in your own skin and comfortable about sharing the feelings that are rightfully yours.
For what to do IMMEDIATELY, click http://tinyurl.com/3sfjljp
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of business psychology & communications, the author of the renowned “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy” (NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION), 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!