Tiger Woods surely did his wife and family wrong. Partners the world over want to know how to proceed after they find they’ve been betrayed. "Before He Cheats" is a revenge song, and I promote just the opposite, that the best revenge is doing well. I believe you should watch your cheater SUFFER when s/he gets a whiff of your success! Ahhh, what power that exudes! Carrie Underwood’s song is not ONLY about revenge. It is also a lesson in assertiveness and resolve.
Her video shows her committing destructive acts against her cheater’s car. And she boasts about them as she sings, “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats…” Certainly not a model for anger management that I would ever recommend! But after she gets her kicks, she comes out of her rage with, “Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.” So, for the sake of all sisters everywhere, it could be argued that Underwood is teaching this guy how not to behave with the women who follow her! Thanks, Carrie, that’s good social work on your part! Then she asserts, “…because the next time that he cheats, you know it won’t be on me.” In a healthy state, emerging from her rage, she resolves that she won’t ever find herself in this situation with this dude again! Amen!!
We can’t help but celebrate this lady’s growth. Good for you, girlfriend!! Naturally, the song has become every cuckolded partner’s anthem to get out of Dodge and start a life with someone who is faithful!
Yet, I receive thousands of e-mails from people who were cheated on, and who return to their partners, to the same scene, to the same misery. (In fact, 65% of cheated-on mates remain in their marriages.) Their rationalizations range from, “I don’t want to lose my standard of living, my life style, the house, having someone to care about me…” (You call this caring??) to “But I love him/her.” Oh, puleeeze! What can you love about someone you can’t trust? As my Gilda-Gram™ says, “We attract not who we want, but who we ARE.” While them’s fightin’ words, the truth is that if you find yourself with a cheater, and you remain and complain, it’s ONLY because you feel you deserve NO BETTER! That’s why I love the modeling Carrie has set for all women. Judging from the popularity of this song, I am not alone.
So what should you do now if you discover you haven't been your partner’s one and only? Follow this other Gilda-Gram™: “To change a cheater, change yourself.” Set your boundaries--without going to Carrie Underwood extremes. Instead, level with your partner: “Sorry, bud, but I’m not taking this treatment any more.” As soon as you lay down your limitations, you, too, will sing, " . . . because the next time that he cheats, you know it won’t be on me.”
It’s a great feeling to know that YOU, not your mate, hold the reins to your life and future. And you know what? Your change of heart will leave your dude speechless. Watch the sucker crawl as YOU decide what YOU want to do. Only, this time your actions will evolve from your STRENGTH, not your anger or your fears. I’m rooting for you!
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.) has a private international practice, is a keynote/motivational speaker, and is a professor of psychology, communications, and business at New York's Mercy College. Her best-selling books include "99 Prescriptions for Fidelity" and "How to Win When Your Mate Cheats." Visit www.DrGilda.com for more information.