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Monday, July 21, 2008

How to Use Betrayal as a TOOL for Healing: 10 Must-Knows

by
Dr. Gilda Carle

Author of the E-Book Program: “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats”
Immediately Downloadable at http://drgilda.com/ebook/WhenYourMateCheats.htm/

Fox & Friends (on the Fox News Channel) invited me to be their guest yesterday, Sunday, July 20 to discuss my new E-Book Program. The show hosts and the producers were fascinated that I say cheating is a good thing in a shaky marriage—because it finally pushes the envelope to mend or to end the relationship masquerade.

The show promoted the segment for over 2 hours, and one of the hosts told me it was probably the most promoted segment in the show’s history. When I got on air, I noted how immersed in the topic the 3 married show hosts were. But like all TV shows on which I appear, I had much more to cover that I never got to.

Many of you saw the show, and I’d like to thank you for the thousands of extraordinary and supportive e-mails. Now I’d like to enumerate some of the points I was unable to review in my brief minutes of airtime. These, too, are just a listing, and the real depth is in my E-Book.

For myself, who, as I said on the show, have been there, done that, and burned the Victim T-shirt, this Gilda-Gram sums up my platform: “When a betrayal happens TO you, it really happens FOR you.” Betrayal signals that your relationship has been on shaky ground. You can either avoid this truth, or you can finally do something about it.

You can choose to:
1. Become a “poor me” VICTIM. Depressing!
2. Become a vengeful FIGHTER. Exhausting!
3. Become a take-charge WINNER. Triumphant!!

Obviously, I vote for #3. This is why: I once had a boss who was the most abusive person I’d ever worked with. He made my work environment so awful, I HAD to leave. Now I realize that if not for him, I would never be doing what I do today—which I love. Little does he know that I silently THANK HIM for his abuse now! In the same vein, betrayal in a relationship can move you toward a richer future, IF YOU USE IT AS A TOOL FOR HEALING.

BETRAYAL AS A TOOL FOR HEALING involves 10 Must-Knows:

1. You MUST KNOW the definition of a cheataholic: cheataholic, n. 1. Sl. love junkie. 2. person addicted to hidden passions, secret flirtations, and illicit romances behind the back of an unsuspecting partner. 3. Biochem. person who repeatedly seeks the rush of exhilaration that accompanies falling in love.

2. You MUST KNOW that cheataholics are not motivated by sex alone. They are your average Jack or Jill who entered a committed union with the best of intentions. Acknowledging that the thrill is gone, they are now terrified that they no longer are appealing. They are so desperate to prove their (sexual) worth, they put their own needs above others and engage in unsavory and dangerous activities.


3. You MUST KNOW that the 7-year itch has gotten younger. Like your car, you must give it attention and maintenance from the moment you begin your union. If you slack off, your mate may feel abandoned and act out, particularly if s/he is insecure.


4. You MUST KNOW that despite the screaming headlines of infidelity from Christie Brinkley’s husband, Madonna, A-Rod, former Governor Eliot Spitzer, and more, there are still 2.5 million weddings each year in the U.S. The industry spends $40 - $70 BILLION annually, as people still opt for marriage and monogamy!


5. You MUST KNOW that the one you love is the one you’ll leave. The qualities you found endearing at first can eventually wear on you: the careful money manager is now seen as a tightwad; the powerful mate is now seen as controlling. Recognize what originally turned you on, and continue to embrace it.


6. You MUST KNOW that the fear of lovelessness is real. The only way around that is to love yourself unconditionally so you can project to others how they can love you back.


7. You MUST KNOW that you can unlearn the behaviors that haven’t served you. After a betrayal, 65% of mates stay together, and with guidance, build a stronger union. Of the 35% who split, most question why they waited so long.


8. You must know how to recognize relationship Red Flags when you see them. Leave skid marks near the people who don’t enhance YOU.


9. You must know that there are 4 coping skills for dealing with a betrayer. You can use avoidance, coercion, soothing, and confrontation—the last of which is the ONLY one that can really heal your woes.


10. You MUST KNOW that you have the power to mend or to end your suffering. The only question is whether you are ready and willing. ARE YOU?

XXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.), www.DrGilda.com, is an internationally-known psychotherapist and relationship expert. Her new 4-volume, 400+ page E-Book Program is “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats”: http://drgilda.com/ebook/WhenYourMateCheats.htm, which is Immediately Downloadable.

DR. GILDA is Match.com’s weekly Suddenly Single advice columnist on MSN.com’s Dating & Personals page. She is also a motivational speaker, a professor of psychology & communications, and the author of the best-seller, "Don't Bet on the Prince!" (a test question on "Jeopardy!"), www.drgilda.com/books.htm

She counsels people throughout the world through her Instant Advice at http://www.drgilda.com/instant-advice.htm and her Mentoring programs at http://www.drgilda.com/mentoring-packages.htm . She is VERY GRATEFUL to all those she’s known who have given her a hard time, and pushed her to grow! She hopes that you, too, will employ this life-enhancing path.

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